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JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


A man walking into a hospital notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes over to them and asks, “Can I help? Did you lose something?”
“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a individual health insurance executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

Comments

Be they real German jokes or not (I'd say not), they're *funny*.

I just don't think the jokes are "ernst" enough to count as real German humour

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Zee Gestapo

The Gestapo who?

JUST KIDDING VEE DO NOT KNOCK!!!!

Hi, I'm german. *don'thurtmeplease*
Most of your jokes aren't funny.
But the with the light bulb was really good.
Sorry for my English, but I suppose is it not so poor as your German.

Nicolai

I've seen these "German" jokes before - yet these seem only be half of the original jokes and just translated into English ;-)

There's one about the English: What do the English call a very attractive man? - A tourist.

That's what we laugh about ;-)))

Why did the German cross the road?

Because that's the way it should be done. At one point another older more experienced German told him that that was the way it should be done and to never question anything another older more experienced German tells you to do!

Oh, and tell all the younger less experienced Germans you see to cross the road as well. Especially if you have never met them before and have no business telling them what to do with their lives to begin with because that's the way it should be done. Why? Because another older and more experienced German told me so!

OK, I got it.
German jokes=totally not funny.

Ha ha ha ha ha, I am wetting my pants:)))

See the main point here is that the British need to have a great sense of humour- it really helps when they look into the mirror each morning.

im german and can say that this are no german jokes. ;D

we do not laugh about "jokes" like :
he jumped down the bridge and was dead

believe me , germans are similar to you although they live so far away from you in a world you cant imagine ^^

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool


i still cant believe that you think that this is german humor :D

are you living behind the moon

there are other normal places on the world.
not only england.

Well I personally thought they were funny as fcuk. Don't take it too seriously or anything, it's just a joke. Anyway, for someone called 'dull-man' (we have play on words and everything), I think that's a little rich.

G (English expat in Syria)

So, could we please have some examples of what are considered "Funny" German jokes....I have yet to discover the german sense of humour and UNDERSTAND it....

I don't think it's possible to discover the German sense of humour. Unfortunately no-one can be told what the German sense of humour is, you have to see it for yourself.

I'm English and I live in Germany. Believe me, that IS the German sense of humour. There really is no point trying to understand it. I always sit waiting for the funny part, not knowing they have already finished the joke!

But the real joke is that they truely believe they are funny. They have no idea that their "humour" it not funny in any other part of the world except Germany. But they will argue with you that it is! It must be nice to be oblivious to the truth....

i have a german joke told in class by one of my students. it doesn't translate though:

ein mann und seine frau stehen morgens auf.
die frau geht zum fenster, guckt raus, und sagt zu ihrem mann, "guck mal liebling, es graut der morgen."
der mann erwidert, "nein schatz, es graut dem morgen."

a man and a woman are getting up one morning.
the woman goes to the window, looks out, and says to her husband, "look sweetie, the sun's rising."
the man replies, "no darling, the morning is horrified."

it's a play on words, so it doesn't come through. i still don't really get it. but i told it to another student another day and he thought it was hilarious.

just to say that germans are just like us but they SUCK at wars and they should all die coz they are gay

I was born in Austria, come from a family dating back over 300 years from the Black Forest. I spent some wonderful childhood years in America; then the family moved back to Salzburg. Hell on earth for 15 years. Now that I finally live on U.S. soil again, I kiss the ground here on a daily basis.

I found the German humor in the media non-existent, its only when you get the Austrians or Germans sitting around a table, drinking, that I found them hilarious. Why dont they put some of those inebriated comic wits on television, radio etc? Believe me they are funny, they just dont show it in the media. Hey, just put my aunt from Karlsruhe on T.V., youd have some side splitting humor there! Whats wrong with you Germany? You do have a sense of humor, you just dont show it. All you want to show to everybody are your genitals! (Note: Germany is the nudist colony of the world).

The first time I saw a German woman, I thought she had Bob Marley in a headlock.

:D HAHA

People cant we all just get along? English and Germans are just ordinary human beings! We should be more tolerant and share our common values... such as slagging off the French :-P

PS German humour IS weird


Please. No German jokes. I'm still very sensitive about all this as my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a watch tower.

LOL that's the best german joke I've heard yet!


Why did hitler commit suicide? Because he got the gas bill.

"There were zwei peanuts walking down the Strasse"

"One of zem was assaulted" (a salted..... peanut)

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Here is a German joke:

One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

P.S. Germany has been neutered and is now being strangled. They haven't much to laugh about.

Ein Mann kauft sich Viagra-Tabletten.

Kommt sein Papagei und frit sie alle auf.

Sagt der Mann:
"Oh Gott, oh Gott, was mach ich blo?.... Ab in die Tiefkhltruhe, damit er sich wieder abkhlen kann!!!!"

Stunden spter erinnert er sich endlich an seinen armen Papagei in der Tiefkhltruhe, ffnet sie und findet seinen Papagei vor, schweigebadet...

"Was ist denn mit Dir los? Wieso schwitzt Du so? Du bist seit

Stunden in der Truhe!!!!"

Sagt der Papagei:
"Was meinst Du, wie anstrengend es ist, den tiefgefrorenen Hhnern die Schenkel auseinander zu biegen!"

You only find German jokes not funny because you don't understand them. Unfortunately most of the humour is lost in translation.

Here is another German Joke, just so you see that we do have humour. (its a bit rude though!):

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!!!"

Paddy: "What am I supposed to say...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!!!!!!!!"

The thing about German humour is that it's no laughing matter.

these german jokes suck!!!! get better ones

LMAO!!! The irony is hilarious. Whats even funnier is these germans getting mad at you.

Thanks, you made my day.

By the way, german men are hott.

well, I find German humour absolutely hilarious. more, please.

I'm dyin' it's too funny.

i love your jokes i need some christmas jokes if u can found them and if u can send them to me that willbr great thanks a lot bye bye plz send me some jokes thank u bye bye froem meryem

Here's a German joke but it doesn't translate well:

Welche garten kannst du nicht umgrauben?
- Kindergarten

In English: What garden can you not dig over?
- Kindergarten

I once said this to a German person when he said that the English have no humour: What do you call a German with a sense of humour?
- HERR-LARIOUS

He wasn't amused

These 'jokes' are really pathetic. Even less interesting than the course I had to do in Medieval German Literature last year as part of my German degree. And that's saying something. I agree translating jokes can be difficult, so if you want to find German jokes that are actually funny, LEARN GERMAN!!!

since i'm a german i can really say that these jokes ain't german at all. i recognized some but told in a strange manner and translated that badly that they lose all wit. i know loads of jokes, and i am able to translate them as well, i'm gonna try to tell u some REAL german jokes...

women are like clouds - when they're away, it's becoming nice.

did u know that beer contains female hormones? drink two or three, and u cannot drive properly anymore and start talking bullshit.

how do u kill a blue elephant? - u take the blue elephant rifle and shoot him.
how do u kill a red elephant? - u paint him blue and shoot him with the blue elephant rifle.
how do u kill a green elephant? - u throw tomatoes at him until he's red, paint him blue and shoot him with the blue elephant rifle.
how do u kill a yellow elephant? - u roll him in the grass until he's green, throw tomatoes at him until he's red, paint him blue and shoot him with the blue elephant rifle.
how do u kill a pink elephant? - u must be drunk, there ain't no pink elephants...

how do elephants disguise themselves? - they paint their balls red and sit into a cherry tree.

ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? no? good camo, eh?

do u know how tarzan died? - by picking cherries.

concerning light bulbs:
how many blondes do u need to change a bulb? five - one holds the bulb, the other four turn the chair she's standing on.
how many windows programmers do u need to change a bulb? 100 - one changes the bulb, 99 are busy clicking away the error messages.

windows95 and a pile of shit are talking to each other. win95: "i am THE operating system!" - p.o.s.: "and i am a fruit cake..."

hiroshima 45... tchernobyl 86... windows95...

do u know why win95 was renamed to win98? the gravity constant is about 9.8 meters per square second. that means: u almost can't crash any quicker on earth...

i'll continue some other day, have a nice day!

Typical-

These germans don't understand the irony of these jokes... poor people.

We know they're not real jokes, mein herr.

They're simply pointing out you aren't good at jokes :)

Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
The germans like to march in the shade.

Greating`s and hi-ya from the U.S. I liked the Tarzan joke lol!! Although the one about grandpa Dying in the camp falling off the watch tower was pretty simple minded and cruel. Ya German beer must be grand from what I hear,~you lucky dogs~ The only pint`s we get around here are rot gut whiskey and cheap wine. Thank the Beer Gods for Budwieser!

Hi!
some of my favorites (i hope the translation is ok):
1)the mother is in the kitchen cooking, when she suddenly hears her baby crying from the bathroom.
she runs there and sees her husband holding the baby into the water at the baby's ears.
she shouts at him "what are you doing??"
his answer:"honey, should i burn my hands?"

2)"mommy,mommy, the milk man, the milk man..."
"i know honey, please let him"
"i did, but he wants again..."

3)schrder,bush and putin walk along the beach.
Putin:"our submarines are so modern, they can stay underwater for 2 months without having to refuel!"
Bush:"our submarines are so modern,they can stay underwater for 2 years!!"
Suddenly a submarine emerges in front of the coast and the captain says:" heil hitler, is there a gas station near?"

4)what do toy railways and boobs have in common?
both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.

5)the princess walks through the garden and finds a frog
"do i have to kiss you and then you'll become a prince?"
"no,that's my brother, you gotta blow ME."

6)child: is it true that the storks bring the babys?
father:yes,of course!
child:so,who fucks the storks??

7)"female sox organ?"
"perpenticularly or horizontally?"
"horizontally"
"then it must be the mouth."

Well, i found out that at least 90% of the jokes are only understandable in german,but perhaps you like these ones


Budweiser is from CZ, dork.

yo yo yo11!!! we find all these german jokes very funny11!!!!!!!!! lol!! in a german lesson atm! ahahahaahah

its just that:
superior people understand inferior jokes, but inferior people dont get superior jokes. and that is the whole secret about germans and the inferior british. har har.

Hi!!
this "jokes" arent from
Germany. OK - some German jokes are not as
funny as British ones. But this shit is not
"German humour".

i think this one is good:

Two men met under the shower. One of them was
black the other white. The white one looked at the black one
and asked him: how did you get such a long "Schwanz"? (dick)
The black man answered: in my homeland we are fixing
heavy weights at our dicks.
The white man: and that works?
The black man: Yeah. Try it
After two weeks they met again under the shower
and the black man a asked the white one:
So, whats up?
The white man: Great tip - ok, my dick is not
longer but its already black.

Excuse my bad English, but i think this one
is surely better....

Eine, that joke was actually pretty funny, but it would make alot of people cring...

number 6 is funny, and i thought the joke about the watchtower was hilarious because it was cruel...
o no...im turning german...

kk, i know that watchtower joke IS cruel. but in germany there r loads of jokes bout jews n hitler, which are totally cruel. but imagine someone telling that sort of joke with you replying "i don't think they r funny, coz my uncle..." etc.

sorry if someone felt offended by that one!


but here's a quite funny list (originally german, of course) of 6 things, you should try in a shopping mall:

1. take 25 packs of condoms and put them in different, other person's trolleys

2. set all alarm clocks in the electronics area so every 5 minutes another one will ring

3. use some tomato juice and make a trail through all sections to the customer's toilet

4. talk to an employee and tell him with a significant voice "we got a code 3 in the household area!"

5. go to the information desk and ask them to reserve a pack of smarties for you

6. take the "danger! wet floor" sign away and put it in the carpet area


aye, they ain't funny =) but at least, they r german =D

yep, those are not funny....but funny is:

If you're bored buy a few cartons of flour and repack them into 5gram bags. Go to the dom in cologne and put up signs saying: ">flour

...

plus: in my oppionion the germans have as much humor as any other nation. we also got stand up comedy, we also got late night shows, german variants of trigger happy tv, smach the pony and whatever....

cheers

Im offended because you took my name

Said by Stevie Wonder: "Rather blind than black." lol


Zwei Microsoft-Programmierer treffen sich im Park. Der Eine hat ein neues Fahrrad dabei. Fragt ihn der andere: "Wo hast du denn das Rad her?"

"Das war kostenlos."

"Ach was, erzhl mal."

Und so erzhlt er:

"Ich bin hier gestern durch den Park gegangen. Da kommt pltzlich eine Frau auf einem Fahrrad an. Sie steigt vor mir ab, zieht sich aus und sagt, da ich alles von ihr haben knne, was ich wolle."

Darauf der zweite: "Gute Wahl. Wer wei ob dir ihre Kleider gepat htten.".

================================================

Two Microsoft programmers meet each other in the park. One has a new bicycle with him. The other one asks him, "Where'd you get the bike?".

"It was free.".

"Really? Tell me about it."

So he does:

"I was walking through park yesterday. Suddenly a woman riding a bicycle comes by. She gets off the bike, takes off her clothes and tells me I can have anything I want."

Says the other: "Good choice. Who know if her clothes would have fit you."

Auf dem Weg zur Arbeit springt einem Programmierer ein Frosch entgegen. "Ich bin eine verzauberte Prinzessin, kuess mich." Der Frosch wird in die Jackentasche gesteckt.

In der Mittagspause quakt es wieder. "Bitte, bitte, kuess mich, ich bin eine verzauberte Prinzessin." Keine Reaktion.

Als er abends in der Kneipe den Frosch vorfuehrt, wird der Programmierer gefragt, warum er den bettelnden Frosch nicht erhoert?

Antwort: "Fuer eine Freundin habe ich keine Zeit, aber einen sprechenden Frosch finde ich cool...".

================================================

On the way to work a frog jumps out in front of a programmer. "I'm an enchanted princess, kiss me". The frog gets stuck into the programmer's jacket pocket.

At lunch the frog croaks again: "Please, please, kiss me. I'm an enchanted princess." No reaction.

When he takes the frog to the bar that evening, someone asks why he doesn't listen to it.

Answer: "I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool...".

In einer Firma werden 5 Kannibalen als Programmierer angestellt.

Bei der Begrssung der Kannibalen sagt der Chef zu ihnen: "Ihr knnt jetzt hier arbeiten, verdient gutes Geld und knnt zum Essen in unsere Kantine gehen. Also. lasst die anderen Mitarbeiter in Ruhe."

Die Kannibalen geloben, keine Kollegen zu belstigen. Nach vier Wochen kommt der Chef wieder zu ihnen und sagt: "Ihr arbeitet sehr gut. Nur, ....... uns fehlt eine Putzfrau, wisst Ihr, was aus der geworden ist?" Die Kannibalen antworten alle mit "Nein" und schwren, mit der Sache nichts zu tun zu haben.

Als der Chef wieder weg ist, fragt der Ober-Kannibale: "Wer von euch Deppen hat die Putzfrau gefressen?" Meldet sich hinten der letzte ganz kleinlaut: "Ich war es."

Sagt der Ober-Kannibale: "Du Idiot, wir ernhren uns seit vier Wochen von Abteilungsleitern, Projekt-Managern, Qualittsverantwortlichen, Organisatoren und Controllern, damit keiner etwas merkt und du Depp musst die Putzfrau fressen !!!"

===============================================

A firm hires five cannibals as programmers.

On their first day, the boss says to them, "You're working here now, and earning good money so you can eat in our cafeteria. Leave your coworkers alone."

The cannibals promise not to bother any of their colleagues. After four weeks the boss meets with them again: "I like your work, but,.... the cleaning lady is missing. Do any of you know what might have happened to her?" The cannibals deny having anything to do with it.

After the boss leaves, the head cannibal says: "Which one of you jerks ate the cleaning lady?" A tiny voice from the back announces: "I did it."

The head cannibal says: "You idiot. For four weeks we've been eating department heads, project managers, QA inspectors, organizers and controllers and nobody noticed anything. And you moron, you had to eat the cleaning lady!!!"

"Herr Ober, nehmen Sie sofort den Daumen aus meiner Suppe!"

- "Entschuldigung, mein Herr, aber ich habe da ein Geschwr. Und der Arzt hat gesagt, da ich es warmhalten soll."

- "Dann stecken Sie sich den Daumen doch in den Arsch!"

- "Tu ich ja, aber ab und zu mu ich ja auch servieren."

=============================================

"Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?"

- "So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm."

- "Well why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

- "I do sir, but I've got to serve customers occasionally..."

the british are just stupid...no wonder the germans kicked their asses....in sports, war and in one-on-one

You sad sad people. Cannot really believe you think this utter rubbish is funny in any way.

I am definatley not German and your jokes are fucking gay as hell. Dont be such douche bags you quier fagbitch.

i liked the jokes, but didn't like the people dissing my people so much. -__-
We have a different since of humor, i can't expect Americans to understand jokes having to do with puns on our language or our countries history....

in conclusion: I like jokes from every country! ... Except Mexico, because i'm racist.
:P

If u can't laugh at yourself, What kind of sense of humor have u got ?


A man goes to a shrink and he says, 'Doctor, I have a serious problem, I think I am a dog'

- 'Since when do you feel this way?'

- 'Since I was a puppy'

Germans are pretty hilarious, but most of the best German humor is either linguistic (word associations, puns) and hence reliant on knowing their language, or very conceptual. Conceptual humor is always only practiced by a small group in any country, which almost makes German humor an elite phenomenon (for instance, Gerhard Schroeder. What a joke). Oddly enough, Nietzsche was hysterical. Half the Nachlass (ol' Fritz' big ass body of notes) had a million jokes in it.

On lower levels though, Germans don't really engage in irony, but then, most non-english speaking countries don't. The French seem to have the hardest time understanding irony, which is odd. The Spanish seem to take irony as a personal affront, from my limited experience. Scandanavians approach irony like a puppy dog- they understand it, but only in the most rudimentory fashion. The Russians like irony, but they seem very agressively happy about it ("see? Is joke I am making! You are to be laughing now!").

The big ironic peoples, I think, are the Australians and the (yes, I am not making this up) Americans. The english pretend to understand irony, but I just think they're being ironic.

A man walks into a bar and shoots the bartender.
He was charged with armed assult.

A man walked into the Department of Motor Vehicles one day.
He left with his drivers liscence.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was dead.

What is a rabbi?
Jewish.

If you have 3 dollars, 2 dollars are in bill form, 1 in quaters, what do you have?
Just that.

Here's some scandanavian humor from my swedish counsins:
What does 1 + 1 = ? a window 1+1 and the equals line go on top and bottom

I heard my other cousin say it swedish tongue twister, it translated to something along the lines of: seven sea sick men and the sea ship shanghai, kidnapped by three beautiful nurses.

I think its funny...No really, I mean I'm a german descendant so i'ts perfectly understandabull!

Ok guys i am GERMAN... THESE JOKES AR'ENT GERMAN JA!OK... RIGHT NOW YOUR JUST INSULTING MY country
ja!


The "German" jokes at the top are excellent. This is because they are meta-jokes: they are not German jokes, they are jokes about absurd stereotypes: stereotypically sophomoric American jokes as interpreted by stereotypical German intellectuals: precisely descriptive, catastrophic, and without punch lines. I've reworked the standard traveling salesman joke as retold by our stereotypical German:

A traveling salesman of medical equipment drives to Krakow and has a successful visit. On his return to Berlin, he stops at the border and picks up a hitchhiking prostitute. She is a college student. Unfortunately, between the border and Berlin, the driver encounters a patch of icy roadway which has not been properly cleared of ice. Traveling at high speed, the car spins out of control, leaves the road, and crashes into a tree. It is a pity that both of the occupants are killed.

Hey, i tried. Please continue posting these.

I'll freely admit we don't have no sense of humour. It's a pity and a damn shame. The only joke we ever had at my family home was one my dad had brought home from the russian campaign '43 - extorted at gunpoint from some unhappy russian intellecutal, who'd hidden it up his arse, no doubt. It had to go around and suffice for all the half dozen of us. Anyway, here goes:

What does a French bride generally tell her French husband on waking up together for the first time in their marital bed? Well, something like "Oh, mon amour, comme c'tait magnifique" etc etc.

What does an Italian woman say in such a situation? "Oh bello mio, ch magnifico, che maravilloso" etc etc.

And what would a British newlywed say to her husband of a single night? "Do you feel better now, Darling?"

those jokes are hillarious, i can't believe the amount of people who don't get the irony

In Germany wie have some gut jookes. You simply can not understand becaus you are infirior race, English pigdogs. Hier is an exampel of a gut jook:

An Englishman, Irishman end a German are sat in a bar. Sie German tells a jook. Nobody laughs.

Ha! Ha! Es ist so gut! But you really must be German to appreciate it! It is deep rooted in German kultur!

Dude...
I'm like.. are these like, jokes? Like.. I just don't get it dude.
In America we have like... some funny fukn, like... jokes, dude. I mean, like, wtf is this?

the idea is that germans dont know what jokes are, its ironic, but then again yanks dont understand that...

all i can say is that i have finally managed to convert a german to the ways of the "englashman" ie he attends english gents clubs, and more importantly, laughs at the lack of sense of humor that germans have.

Man walking past the olympic stadium carrying a long case is collarred by a guard.

"Are you a pole-volter?" the guard asks

The man replies "No, i'm German actually; but how did you know my name was Walter"

for the record, not all Americans are stupid enough to take these jokes at face value. I'm not sitting around trying to figure out why having 1 electrician change a lightbulb is funny, (it is, in context) I'm not puzzling over how Germans can really think this stuff is funny (they don't, I'm not a moron) and I'm not grossly offended by the stereotypes (you're on the internet, any culture that no one makes fun of is left out). Learn from me, fellow country-people.

English humour, as humour in general, is (and has always been) an upper-class phenomenon.
Telling jokes is actually the lowest form of humour. Cultivated people don`t need to dress in borrowed plumes.
An amicable proposal: Instead of letting the scum of English society join your honourable Army and deploying them to Germany - why dont you simply do as your forebears did, bind these brutes in heavy chains, cramp them into ships and ship them off to Australia ?

Yours sincerely

Moritz Baron v. Faber Du Faux
(Goettingen, Germany)


http://german-bash.org/action/top/

http://german-bash.org/action/top/

Here is a dirty German Joke I want to share with you..(Hay no offence I'm no racist, didn't make the joke just repeating it):

A Jewish and a Black are arguing about their religion ..They just cant tolerate each other and so they come up with a bet ..We Shall Jump from the highest building and let God decide..
who's body Shall lands first on the ground shall be the better religion...
..any clue..come on simple physics i learned in 3rd grade guys ...

of course the Black meets the ground first....Shit falls faster then Aches

Ok i will try to translate a joke told by my grandfather please excuse my horroble english. never learned it as good as i should and not even as good as i could

an old man in the winter. he lost his wife, his house, just everyething. hes hungry since days and freezing, cause it`s winter and snow is blowing through the streets. he will die in hours if he cant find a place to stay. well, i will find a secure place in a church, he thinks and enters a house of god. its warm, some candles are glowingn and on the altar he finds a golden cup filled with calamari rings. Thanks God, something to eat, and he eats the calamari rings. Someone tips from behind in his shoulder. Good man asks a priest, what are you doing here?
O father answers the Old Man. i was hungry and freezing. So i came to your church. And please forgive me, but ive eaten your calamari rings.
The priest is surprised. Good man, he answers. Theres a mistake. This is no Church, this is a synagogue. Im no priest, im the Rabbi and this are no Calamares, yesterday we had circumcision

Many years ago--must've been the 80s--I was watching a stand-up comedy show on (U.S.) TV, and they had a German comic (performing in English) who was hilarious. However (as per some of the above comments), he wasn't deploying actual German humor, but riffing on German stereotypes.

He began his routine: "Many people think the Germans are a cold, humorless, rigid, people who lack all spontaneity. I am here to dispel ziss stereotype . . ."

"OK. Joke Number One."

[Laughs--From the Americans who grasped the irony.]

Then:

"Take my wife--I command you!"

(For those who might not get the cultural reference, this was a take-off on the signature joke of the old-skool American "Borscht Belt" comedian, Henny Youngman: "Now, take me wife--Please!")

I forget the rest of the routine but it was funny and I wonder whatever happened to the guy.

An unrelated German joke in the same vein I heard somewhere:

Q.--How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?

A.--First, invade ze kitchen . . .

Very good reading. Peace until next time.
WaltDe

im a german living in america. this is not german humor and unlike many americans and british believe there is german humor. many british and americans are just to racist/nationalist/whatever... to understand that stereotyping is wrong. germany learned that lesson 60 years ago. british humor is barely funny anywhere outside of an english speaking area, german humor is barely funny outside of any german speaking area, and thats the way it is with any nation and language. brits and americans are so extremely snobbish that they believe themselves to be superior in every way to anybody else around the world. so what germans lost two world wars? the britains lost their entire empire and got their ass kicked by the french (american revolution(you will learn in history(in america, not germany))that the french are the only reason americawon that war). and america has george w. bush AND kerry so they can say shit about anyone else. germany, england, and america all had their high times at one point or another, but all are off of it(or, in the case of america, rapedly descending).

so you can all kiss my ass because while i am not racist or nationalist, i am narcissistic.
p.s.:this post is not at anytime throughout it supposed to be funny (this is for you morons out there who still havent figured out that this entire page is one big racist/nationalist dump)

Lol, thank you for the above example of German humor or lack thereof.

It is amazing that nearly every person commenting doesn't understand the context of the jokes.

Posted by: ENGLAND at June 16, 2004 11:05 PM

I was born in Austria, come from a family dating back over 300 years from the Black Forest. I spent some wonderful childhood years in America; then the family moved back to Salzburg. Hell on earth for 15 years. Now that I finally live on U.S. soil again, I kiss the ground here on a daily basis.


Sorry mate, that's just not funny at all.

"i have a german joke told in class by one of my students. it doesn't translate though:

ein mann und seine frau stehen morgens auf.
die frau geht zum fenster, guckt raus, und sagt zu ihrem mann, "guck mal liebling, es graut der morgen."
der mann erwidert, "nein schatz, es graut dem morgen."

a man and a woman are getting up one morning.
the woman goes to the window, looks out, and says to her husband, "look sweetie, the sun's rising."
the man replies, "no darling, the morning is horrified."

it's a play on words, so it doesn't come through. i still don't really get it. but i told it to another student another day and he thought it was hilarious."

I didnt get it at first either, but i think it meant that the guy's wife excitedly told her husband about the sun rise, but the husbands dissed her by saying, "no, the morning is horrified by your ugly face."

why do chickens cross the road

to get away from hitler

why did the chicken cross the road

to run away from hitler

your jokes are totaly wicked

i don't understand how some of you think that these jokes aren't funny. i know they're not german jokes, they actually seem like american jokes, but i find them funny. germans have a sense of humor, whether you understand it or not, just like the english have a sense of humor that americans or germans may not understand.

all in all...jokes = funny, otherwise they wouldn't be jokes.

let's just LAUGH people!

Der Fuchs ist schlau und stellt sich dumm,
beim Englaender ist es andersrum.

Excuse my poor german spelling! Bin livin 4 16 years outside Germany in a former british colony and as far as I can tell ze english suck at telling their own jokes!!!

This jokes are not funny, what is you reason to post them? Sorry for english, but ja. Aufpassen!

I life in Germany and I'm English, and you can believe me, Germans don't have a healthy humor.

They have wit, and witty jokes, but that's about it!

I can tell ancient old English translated jokes and entertain a whole German pup for hours, but not one fucking German joke is funny for anyone outside of Germany or people that do not know the German mentality!

They are simply not compatible with the rest of the worlds humor!

A German would sprain his brain if he would have to think of a good non racist joke that would work anywhere and in any language.

I tell you, the moment a original German non racist joke would be really funny for the world is the moment we'd all be Germans.

Germans don't understand the simple point that they have hardly no humor.

A German would say" Germans flee into a seller to laugh"
A Brit would say: "we locked the German in the seller as it started getting funny"

They are simply to serious about everything, which makes Germans a good and easy topic to make fun of. especially with their Past.

I know a shit load of English jokes, but I don't know 1 good German joke that is not racist. I've been trying to think of one for hours, but they are all crap and at kinder-garden/playschool level.

Just remember:
YU VILL INJOY YORZEFZ, END VE HEVE VAYS OF MAKIN YU, Ze Germans doo heve humor, but only if zey talk like zis and are pisssed out of zeir brainz, vive ze best Deutsche BIER yu can pay for!

I better leave now before "MEIN SCHICHTFÜHRER" (Foreman) will have to ring me out of bed tomorrow morning.

And we dont want to dissapoint my FÜHRER, should we?

I life in Germany and I'm English, and you can believe me, Germans don't have a healthy humor.

They have wit, and witty jokes, but that's about it!

I can tell ancient old English translated jokes and entertain a whole German pup for hours, but not one fucking German joke is funny for anyone outside of Germany or people that do not know the German mentality!

They are simply not compatible with the rest of the worlds humor!

A German would sprain his brain if he would have to think of a good non racist joke that would work anywhere and in any language.

I tell you, the moment a original German non racist joke would be really funny for the world is the moment we'd all be Germans.

Germans don't understand the simple point that they have hardly no humor.

A German would say" Germans flee into a seller to laugh"
A Brit would say: "we locked the German in the seller as it started getting funny"

They are simply to serious about everything, which makes Germans a good and easy topic to make fun of. especially with their Past.

I know a shit load of English jokes, but I don't know 1 good German joke that is not racist. I've been trying to think of one for hours, but they are all crap and at kinder-garden/playschool level.

Just remember:
YU VILL INJOY YORZEFZ, END VE HEVE VAYS OF MAKIN YU, Ze Germans doo heve humor, but only if zey talk like zis and are pisssed out of zeir brainz, vive ze best Deutsche BIER yu can pay for!

I better leave now before "MEIN SCHICHTFÜHRER" (Foreman) will have to ring me out of bed tomorrow morning.

And we dont want to dissapoint my FÜHRER, should we?

I'm German and I think, this is hillarious. Well, obviously not the "jokes" but the way of making jokes this way... ah, darn... even our Grammar is not funny

Jeesh! there are tons of people taking this serious! I am SOOOooo offended! And I am not even trying to make a joke containing the Word "invade" or any "öüäß"ts ;)

Zwei Fische treffen sich. Sagt der eine, "Hi (hai)" und der ander, "Wo!?"

(hahaha...Two fish meet. Says the one, "Hi (shark- pronounced the same)" answers the other, "Where?!". )

A really stupid one:

Eine Kugel rollt um die Ecke und fällt um.
(A ball rolls round the corner and toggles down.)

Really good english :)


The worst German joke ever is ever is called

"Federal Republic of Germany"

Please give me Andreas Mertens email address! he wrote at June 23, 2006 12:51 AM
I would like to tell him some interesting facts about comic Klaus Myers.
Thanks,
Loree

These are the most STUPID UNFUUNY TERRIBLE jokes ever!!!!!

hallo,
I am a german person good und i think what i read is terrible bad to say about the german people. They laugh much und my family at home not say bad jew jokes. My mother even work for jew people sometimes to clean up kaken for the little jews und she alway tell me that the jews are so clean dat da kaken not smell bad like the german kaken. Now I like say joke funny story so all see dat german kann be the funny make to.

in cowboy town was very mean cowboy and no one his friend because he make bang bang when he meet people. only friend he have is my father. so you vonder how my father his father? now i tell story to you. Won day my father visit his town mit his donkey und when he come to saloon, da donkey make big kaka on street. the bad man say to my father to eat da kaka und my father eat the kaka. Den the donkey kaka more und a bad man eat the kaka. Now question how bad man und father friends? Simple answer is that bad man und my father have lunch together! Oh this make me laugh und momma laugh also much. Now you see why german joke funny, nicht, nicht?

Most native english speakers don't know any German and can't be arsed learning it.
That accounts for 80 per cent of the perceived bad jokes -simple really ;)

It's a bit silly how some people are using this as an excuse to just slander other nations, This page is supposed to be satire. Goddammit.
As in, It's not supposed to be taken literally.

Silly people.

(But just remember: Hitler was voted in democratically. So Nurr ;p)

Oh.. And 'Rich'. We won the wars, dumbass.

Come on my teutonic chums, zees are funny!

Come on my teutonic chums, zees are funny!

Allo,

It is rather unfortunate that those of you who do not get the "jokes" are so vocal about it. It seems that the foolish are always speaking.

German humour should be regarded as just that, because you do not understand means that you are truely not Deutsch, not that they are not funny.

It is abundantly clear that Germans have a superior sense of humour, but sharing that with the rest of the world would only lead to blank looks on many faces.

Zo!.. ve shtart now ja? Joke number 1 "Take my wife...I command you!"
Joke number 2..Vat did ze Englishman say when he caught his wife in bed with three men?
Answer....."hello...hello....hello!"

I'm German and don't really know any German jokes...most are jokes involving Germans at other ethnicities expense. I was hoping to find some here but dissapointingly there are few and most are not really funny. Jokes about nazi's are sometimes funny I guess but only because there was nothing funny about nazi's. The only joke I can add is also a nazi joke and a bit infantile as well. Hod did Hitler tie his shoes? In little nazi's (knotsies) Groan!

wonder why the american media always insists on grouping together all of europe. you guys apparently can't get along for squat. and freaking germans, stop apologizing to the british and french for the nazis. white america might grow a conscience and have to pay up to blacks, mexicans, natives, asians, japanese, vietnamese, afghanis, iraqis, iranians, bolivians, venezuelans and colombians

here s a good teutonic joke. whats the difference between the bombing of dresden and a german comedian? you can only laugh about the first bit.

Here's my favourite racist joke :
What is ze difference between a white cow and a black cow ?
the white cow says : Mooo !
the black cow says Hi man ..... Mooo man!

A German told me this and I thought it was funny at the time ...

In German "Ich hätte das Schwein" - literally - "I had the pig" means "I had the good fortune" ...

An English student is over in Germany on an exchange visit, to improve his German. He's staying with a German family and speaks nothing but German with them.

One Friday night he comes back to the house and in the living room with the family is a gorgeous young woman.

"Have you met my daughter ? She's just back from college for the weekend"

"Er ... nein ! Ich habe das Schwein nicht gehabt !"

There were 3 blind mice,
They were put down for their own safety.
.
.
.

Mike was in a pub with his friend John.

Mike: "John, Check this out"

Mike walks up to a stranger,

Mike: "Hi, i bet you I can do a backflip off this table, land on my feet and down my pint."

Stranger: "Ok mate, you're on"

...

John suffered a tragic loss.

Oh Germans, luv them! Deadpan humour is the best, the trick is to tell them with a serious straight face.

I'm quite fond of the self-depreciative British humour too, it's really charming, and when British men are built like stick figures, they'll need the charm to fill them out!

Some original Nazi-Germany-Jokes directly imported from the land of Sauerkraut:

And: These are really old. They have been there since WW2. Yes, told by Germans, even then. Secretly of course. The Nazi-Regime put people in prison for telling those.

I hope you'll like them.


1)
Berliner Krankenhaus 1940: Ein Chirurg begegnet einem Irrenarzt. Der Chirurg sagt "Heil Hitler!", der Irrenarzt sagt "Hoffnungsloser Fall!"

Berlin Hospital 1940: An surgeon meets a psychiatrist. The Surgeon sais "Heil Hitler!", the psychiatrist says "Hopeless case!"

The joke in this is, that "heil" can mean both hail or heal in german. In a variation of the joke, the psychiatrist replies "Heil ihn doch selber!" which one might translate "Try healing him yourself!"


2)
Hitler ist unterwegs. Das Auto rast an einem Bauernhof vorbei. Da springt ein Schwein auf die Straße. Der Fahrer kann nicht mehr bremsen. Das Schwein stirbt. Hitler befiehlt seinem Fahrer, zum Hof zu gehen und es dem Bauern zu sagen. Der Fahrer sagt zum Bauern: "Ich bin der Fahrer unseres Führers! Das Schwein ist tot!"

Hitler is on the road. His car races past a Farm. A pig jumps on the road. The chauffeur cannot stop in time. The pig dies. Hitler orders his chauffeur to go to the farm and tell the farmer. The chauffeur sais to the farmer: "I amm ze drriver of ourr Führrerr! Ze svine iz dead!"

This one doesn't loose much in translation. I tried to put german accent in the translation, in order to make the driver speak "military-style". If you tell the joke to somebody, make the driver "bark" the words.

3)
Wie sieht ein echter Arier aus? Blond wie Hitler, groß wie Goebbels und schlank wie Göring!

How does a real aryan look? As blond as Hitler, as large as Goebbels and as lank as Göring.

Hitler had black hair. Goebbels was rather short and Göring was fat.


4)
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Christentum und Nationalsozialismus? Im Christentum starb einer für alle!

What is the difference between christianity and national socialism? In christianity, one guy died for all the others.

That one came up, when german soldiers in WW2 started realizing they were cannon fodder. The next one, too.

5)
Hitler unterhält sich auf einem Frontbesuch mit einem einfachen Soldaten. Hitler fragt: "Kamerad, was wünscht Du Dir, wenn Du an vorderster Front im Granathagel stehst?" Der Soldat antwortet: "Dass Sie, mein Führer, neben mir stehen!"

Hitler visits the front and talks to a soldier. Hitler asks: "Pal, when you are in the front line under artillery fire, what do you wish for?" The soldier replies: "That you, my Führer, stand next to me!"

6)
Im Sommer 1941 unterhalten sich zwei KZ-Häftlinge über ihren Verhaftungsgrund. Der erste: "Ich sagte am 5. Mai, Heß ist verrückt!" – Der zweite: "Ich sagte am 15. Mai, Heß ist nicht verrückt!"

In summer 1941, two Prisoners at a concentration camp talk about the reason they were there. One says: "On the 5th of may, I said that Heß was insane!" the other one says "On the 15th of may, I said that Heß was not insane!"

To get that one, you must know that Rudolf Heß stole a Messerschmitt Bf 110 and went to Scottland on the 10th of may 1941, in order to negotiate about peace with the Duke of Hamilton (who he believed to be the leader of a secret british group endorsing peace). Heß believed he had to prohibit a war on two fronts, which he believed to be "suicidal for the aryan race". In Great-Britain Heß was taken a prisoner of war. German propaganda then said that he was insane and a traitor.

Heß was definitly an evil Nazi-Bastard. But he was better at strategy than the rest of Hitlers megalomaniac rabble. If the other madmen in Berlin had listened to him, germany might have won the damn war. Be glad they didn't.

And finally:
7)
„Was gibt's für neue Witze?” - „2 Monate Dachau”

The first sentence can be translated "What new jokes are there" but it has a double meaning. If misunderstood properly, it means "What's the penalty for (telling) new jokes?"
The reply is "Two months at Dachau" - in Dachau, near Munich there was a jail and later a concentration camp where many political objectors were imprisoned.

guys,they are different languages and as said before me,most are lost in translation,i live in germany and find the germans funny,but most jokes for like pun jokes and punch liners are lost in translation as are the jokes i know from ireland.english speakers must understand that most germans will not laugh about war jokes were 6 million germans died.i don't look down on the germans when it comes to humour and as an irish man i find the english jokes about the irish not funny,we have been the butt end of their jokes for centurys.what i find a joke is your slutty women on holidays shagging any man with a pulse and a tan.oh tell the fat ones to wear some clothes,i find them slags repulsive.

Ok, my favourite German joke: How does a German open a can of sardines? - "KNOCK!KNOCK!KNOCK! OPEN UP!"
I think it is not really surprising how many Brits think that there is no humour in Germany - how would they know? 99% of all Brits I know don´t know a word of German, even after years of German lessons at school. Who cares? I think it is really very German of all you Germans who contributed here that you try so desperately to show them how humorous you are. Who gives a flying fuck?
I´ve even read some posts of Germans going along the lines of "Oh, you´re right, we´ve got no sense of humour,only after years and years of training I can now proudly stand among Englishmen and laugh about Germans not being funny...", I mean, really, guys, that is truly pityful. Shame on you. You think the Brits will respect you for that? Tell you what, they´ll only say that Churchill was right about us Germans: Either they have us at their throat or at their feet. Grow up! Tell ´em that they´re totally right, that our idea of a good laugh is a carpet-bombing and a Panzer assault. Complain to them about how you´ve been to Coventry and what a shitty place that is, what with all these ugly fifties buildings and not a decent old church in sight...no, I´m not going to explain this one, sorry.

Friedrich, here's an old church in Coventry. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/65/155152253_238cd98d31.jpg?v=0 Couldn't find much from Dresden though :)

An Englishman and a German are sitting in a bar. The Englishman tells a German a joke. When he delivers the punchline, the German does not laugh.

The Englishman says, "What's the matter with you; haven't you got a sense of humour?" The German replies, "No".

I don't like german comedy shows and stuff like that. it's not funny ;D But when somebody tries to be funny i laugh at him. dunno why but i think it's really amusing xD

Germans not funny?? No one heard of Otto Waalkes?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Herr doctor.

Come in.

Here is a German joke,

Why did the English Soldier come home in a coffin - Because he was shot in Afghanistan.

Why was his mother crying? - Because she got a phone call he died.


Here is a teutonic joke in response to hattyr's one about Dresden.

Where would you find 96 people turning blue and choking on their vomit - Hillsborough.

Getting a little heated there!

A Bavarian hunter once told me that only a sausage has two ends. (Probably sounded funnier after several beers and having worked out the translation in my head).
A little light German humour to end on, I hope!

The following is not something I do lightly, as it is a link to a Guardian article! However, that aside, it contains some very good German jokes and- if you are interested- also explains the differences with English humour. Not a bad effort for the Guardian. They should stick to this type of article.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/may/23/germany.features11

PS. It must be time for some Gordon Brown jokes.

I really liked the meta-joke on the top. Many people don't get the concept of making jokes about jokes, sadly.

In Germany there exists a whole class of jokes called "Anti-Witze" (non-jokes?) that are intentionally not funny or don't make any sense at all. Those are typically told between other "real" jokes to catch the audience off guard. Like this one:

--
"Sitzen zwei Hochhäuser im Keller und pokern, was ist falsch daran? (small pause) Bananen haben gar keine Gräten!"
"Two skyscrapers are sitting in the cellar and play Poker, what's wrong with that picture? (small pause) Bananas don't have any fishbones!"
--

Of course, there exist many jokes people might find offending, like this "classic" jew-joke. If you ever hear it, you can react to it with the joke about grandpa who fell from the watchtower (posted by someone before me) - which then even gets people who usually don't like this type of jokes to laugh:

--
Wie bekommt man 100 Juden in einen VW? - 2 Vorne, 3 Hinten, 95 im Aschenbecher.
How can you put 100 jews into a VW (Volkswagen)? - 2 at the front seats, 3 at the back seats, 95 in the ashtray.
--

Another type of these jokes are "Blondinenwitze" (blond jokes), that means, jokes about blond women, who stereotypically are considered especially stupid. These are usually told many at once. One of my favourites:

--
Eine Blondine und eine Brünette springen zur selben Zeit von einem Hochhaus. Welche schlägt zuerst auf? Die Brünette, weil die Blondine unterwegs erst nach dem Weg fragen musste.
A blond and a brunette jump off a building at the same time, which one hits the ground first? (small pause) The brunette, of course. The blond had to ask for directions on her way down.
--

It is important to understand that these "german" jokes are usually treated as jokes about racism or stereotypes, not as being racist or stereotypical (again, making a joke on the meta-level). People in Germany (well, at least the vast majority) don't find killing jews (or anybody else) funny.

I also find it interesting how many Germans don't understand Monty Python-like humor, although it is has very similar concepts (being funny by being not funny, by making no sense at all or by intentionally trying too hard to be funny). *g*

I know a guy from Germany who thought this was funny....

Holgi was visiting the USA and tried duck hunting. He shot a duck and it came down near a farm. The farmer said "that duck landed on my farm, so it is my duck". Holgi said "I shot the duck, so it is mine." The farmer said "We'll have to settle this like men. Each of us will kick the other in the groin, and whoever recovers more quickly gets the duck." Holgi agrees and says "I'll kick first." Holgi runs up and kicks the farmer in the crotch, and the farmer turns white and rolls on the ground for a few minutes. The farmer finally gets to his feet and says "my turn." Holgi says "You can keep the duck."

The Funniest Joke In The World.
A universal joke From Monty Python
funny in all languages.


During World War II... Ernest Scribbler... a British "manufacturer of jokes" created the funniest joke in the world and promptly died laughing. His mother read the joke... at first believing it to be a suicide note... also died laughing. A Scotland Yard inspector retrieved the joke...and despite the playing of somber music on gramophone records and the chanting of laments by fellow policemen to create a depressing mood he also died laughing.

The British Army tested the joke on Salisbury Plains... then translated it into German. Each translator only translated one word of the joke... so as not to be killed by reading the whole joke. One of them saw two words of the joke and had to spend a few weeks in hospital. The German version is said to be over 60,000 times more powerful than Britain's joke. This German translation was used for the first time on 8 July 1944 in the Ardennes... causing German soldiers to fall down dead from laughter.

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(This German contains a number of nonsense words... and does not translate into anything meaningful.)

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