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Tonight we sing the old songs..

I'm amazed to learn that this is a real company - FUGAWI Navigation Software For GPS Receivers as in "where the Fugawi?"

So Gentlemen - the Loyal Toast has ben drunk, time to start the songs..
Full Lyrics are available, for adults only, below:
Thanks to 24th Missile Regt R.A and others.

THE WILD WEST SHOW

Chorus:
We're off to see the Wild West Sho-o-ow,
The elephants and the kangaroo-oo-oos.
Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.

Call: Ladies and Gentlemen! In this corner we have the .

Response: The ? Fantastic! Incredible! What the hell is the ?
Tell us about it mother fucker.

Tattooed Lady:
This tattooed lady has "Merry Christmas!" tattooed inside her left
thigh, and "Happy New Year!" tattooed inside her right thigh. She wants
you to come up and see her between the holidays.

The Fukawi Tribe:
A tribe of pygmies from the Grasslands of Africa, the Fukawi grow to a
height of 4 feet tall. They roam through the 5-foot tall grass jumping
up and down shouting "We're the Fukawi! We're the Fukawi!"

The Laughing Hyena:
This animal lives up in the mountains, and once every year he comes down
to eat, once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every
three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has
to fucking laugh about, I don't know.

The Giraffe:
The giraffe is one of the most popular animals in the animal kingdom.
(Why?) Well, every time he goes into a bar he says, "The high balls
are on me."

The Leopard:
he leopard is the only living calendar--he has one spot for every day of
the year. (What about leap year?) Why, just lift up his tail.

The Sabre-Toothed Tiger:
he sabre-toothed tiger is the only 200-pound pussy that eats you.

The Orangutan:
The orangutan has one ball made of brass and the other made of steel,
and when he goes swinging through the trees they go "Orang-a-Tang,
Orang-a-Tang!"

The Elephant:
The elephant has an enormous appetite. Every day it eats 2 tons of hay,
20 buckets of rice...Lady! Please don't stand behind him...Too late.
Bill, go get the shovel and dig her out.

The Oomie-Goollie Bird:
The oomie-goollie bird has balls that hang down 14 inches.
Unfortunately, his legs are only 12 inches long, and whenever he comes
in to land, you can hear him cry, "Oooh, me goollies. Oooh,
me goollies."

The Ooh-Aah Bird:
The male of this species lives at the North Pole, and the female of this
species resides at the South Pole. During their mating season, the
birds fly until they meet at the equator, where you can hear
them going "Oooooh! Aaaaaaah! Oooooh! Aaaaaaah!"

The Winky-Wanky Bird:
The nervous system of this unusual bird has crossed over the links
between his eyelids and his dong. Now, every time he winks, he wanks,
and every time he wanks, he winks. Hey kid! Stop throwing sand in his
eye!

THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
Melody http://www.lepanto.org.br/Musicas/Inglesas/erlymorn.mid

T was on the good ship Venus
Kin oath you should have seen us
The figurehead was Fourskin Ned
Whopping away on his penis.
Chorus :
Frigging in the riging
Wanking in the planking
Masturbating in the grating
Cause there s fuck-all else to do.

The captain s name was Morgan
A homo-sexual gorgon
Three times a day, He used to play
Upon his sexual organ.

The captain s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able
Would lay prostrate , Beneath the mate
On top of the chart room table.

The captain s lovely daughter
Went swimming in the water
Delighted squeals Showed that the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

Chorus
The cabin boy s name was Ripper
Damn sadistic nipper
Stuffed his arse With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The cook s was Mike O Malley
Didn t dillydally
He shot his bolt With such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
Chorus:

The stoker s name was Mugger
Filthy low-down bugger
Wasn t fit To shovel shit
On any bugger s lugger.
Chorus

The parson s name was Farrell
Who wore such strange apparel
They didn t know The arse on show
Was him inside the barrel.

The ship s dog s name was Rover
They often did him over
He moaned and groaned, That faithful hound
From Calais cross to Dover.
The ship s cat s name was Kitty
Oh how her arse was shitty
But shifty or not, It was a twat
And the sailors had no pitty
Chorus

The bosun s name was Hopper
Kin hell, he had whopper
Once round the deck, Twice round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
We sailed to the Azores
And rooted all the whories
We caught the syph, In Tel Avif
And pox in Buenos Aires.
Chorus

THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER
Tune: The Ashgrove

The mayor of Bayswater,
He has a pretty daughter.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

Chorus
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees (pause)
One black one, one white one
And one with a bit of shite on
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

If she was my daughter
I d have them cut shorter
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She went down to Woolongong
Where they told her they were much too long
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

I ve smelt it I ve felt it
It s lust like a bit of velvet.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
I know them, I ve seen them
I ve been in between them.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

She married a Spaniard
With a prick like a bloody lanyard~
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She married an Italian
With a prick like a bloody stallion,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

It would take a coal miner
To find her vagina.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees.
She bangs just like a dunnie door
But she comes back for more and more
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

THE PUB WITH NO BEER
Melody - Itself

CHORUS:
It's a bastard away from the women and all,
With a pain in the guts from a great lover's ball,
But there's nothing so lonely, shocking, or queer,
Than to knock off a barmaid that's got gonorrhoea.

The publican's anxious for the chemist to come,
He's looking with lust at the barmaid's big bum,
He's waiting to give her a belt up the back,
But without a French letter he might get the jack.

The stockman rides in with a masterly stroke,
Takes the pants off her and gives a poke,
The look on his face quickly turns into fear,
When the barmaid informs him he just got gonorrhoea.

The swaggie tramps in undoing his fly,
He says, "Give me a poke or I'll shoot in your eye."
The stockman jumps up and says, "Don't do it, mate."
But the swaggie says sadly, "It's too bloody late."

Billy the blacksmith, the first time in his life,
Goes home for a roger with his darling wife,
As he walks in the bedroom, she says with a sneer,
"Without a Frenchie, you'll get nothin' here."

There's a dog on the verandah, still sufferin' from shock,
He's just seen the size of old Billy's cock,
He dashes for cover and cringes in fear,
Billy's sure to root something; I'm movin' from here!

THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

They ought to be publicly pissed on,
They ought to be publicly shot,
They ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot,
Drink it down, down, down . . .

THE SEX LIFE OF A CAMEL
Tune :The Eton boating song (unavailable)

The sexual life of a camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger tive Sphinx.
But the Sphinx s posterior sphincter,
Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile.
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx s Inscrutable smile.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, tittybum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
In the process of syphilisation.
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy,
Has buggered whatever it can.
Yet recent extensive researches,
By Darwin and Huxicy and Hall,
Conclusivety prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
We therefore balleve our conclusion,
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard,
is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven t they done it at Sptthead,
As they ve done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines of its tail.
The sexual life of the ostrich.
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
It buries it s head in the sand.
And if another ostrich finds it
Standing there with it s ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind ft.
Or doesn t it bloody well care?

WHY ARE WE WAITING?
Melody - Come Let Us Adore Him

Why are we waiting,
Could be fornicating (masturbating, etc),
Oh, why are we waiting,
So fucking long, etc . . .

WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?
Melody - Itself

Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no fuckin' use to anyone,
He's no bloody use at all.

They say he's a joy to his mother,
But he's a pain in the asshole to me,

He's fresh as a daisy,
He drives me crazy,

So drink it down, down, down . . .


The Ballad of Eskimo Nell

Gather 'round, all you whorey,
Gather 'round, and hear my story.

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue;
When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.

So pull up a chair and stand me a drink,
And a tale to you I'll tell
About Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell.

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's Dead-Eye Dick that swings the prick,
And Mexican Pete the gun.

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad,
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,
But the shooting's not so bad.

Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.

Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
This fucking was mighty slow.

Dick pound on his cock with a huge piece of rock,
And he said, "I want to play!,
It's been almost a week at this fucking creek,
With no cunt coming my way!"

So, do or dare, this horny pair
Set off for the Rio Grande:
Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
And Pete with his gun in hand.

Then, as they blazed their noisy trail,
No man, their path withstood.
Many a bride, her husband's pride,
A pregnant widow stood.

They reached the strand of the Rio Grand
At the height of a blazing noon.
To slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's saloon.

The swinging doors they pushed back wide,
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You'll drink or you'll fuck with me!"

Now, they'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,
From the Yukon to Panama,
So, with scarcely worse than a muttered curse,
The fellows all sought the bar.

When Dick walked in to a house of sin,
The whores all cursed their luck,
Not even a tart dared let out a fart,
When he said - "I want to fuck!"

The girls they knew of his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.

For they saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Move on the trigger grip,
So they didn't wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.

Now, Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
So forty butts were bared to view,
And likewise forty cunts.

Now, forty butts and forty cunts,
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick, at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.

Sure, eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand.
It may be rare in Berkeley Square,
But not on the Rio Grande!

Now Dead-Eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to have some fun
And to whet his appetite.

His phallic limb was in fucking trim.
As he backed and took a run,
He made a dart at the nearest tart,
and scored a hole in one.

The lady he bore to the dusty floor,
And there he filled her fine,
And though she grinned, it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.

When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He has no time to spare,
With speed and strength, combined with length,
He fairly singes hair.

He had made a dart at the next fair tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unfraid:
Her name was Eskimo Nell.

But Dead-Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell.
She bawled to him, "Hey, you!"

Dick gave a flick of his muscular prick,
And the girl flew over his head,
He then wheeled about with an angry shout;
His face and his balls were red.

Nell glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry.
With utter scorn, she sneered at the horn
Which rose from his hairy thigh.

She blew the smoke of her cigarette
All over his steaming knob.
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
That he failed to do his job.

It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool:
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp!
You call that thing a tool?

"If this here town can't take that down,"
She said to those cowering whores,
"There's another cunt that can do the stunt,
But it Eskimo Nell's, not yours."

She dropped her garments one by one
With an air of consumate pride,
And as she stood in her womanhood,
They saw the Great Divide.

She seated herself on a table top,
Where someone had left a glass.
With a twitch of her tits, she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her ass.

She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her thighs apart.
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.

Now, Dead-Eye Dick knew more than one trick,
And he meant to take his time,
For a woman like this was orgasmic bliss,
So he played the pantomime.

He flexed his asshole to and fro,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like the granite knobs
On the top of a palace gate.

He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And reached almost to his eyes.

He polished his dick with alcohol,
Then, to make it steaming hot,
He finished the job, when he sprinkled his knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.

Then he did neither start to run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but with a swoop
Began a steady, forward creep.

As a marksman might, he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And his steady grin as he pushed it in
Showed a calculated cool.

Have you ever seen the pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse?
Well, then you know what pistons are.

Or, you think you do, but you've yet to see
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a fellow like Dead-Eye Dick.

But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the Rock of Ages between.

With nary a scream, she could take the stream
Like the flush of a watercloset.
Now, she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.

But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
For if he'd a mind, he'd grind and grind
For sixteen solid hours.

Nell lay a while with a subtle smile,
Then the grip of her cunt grew keener,
And a squeeze of her thigh then sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.

She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The principal cause and basic laws
That govern sexual science.

She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had withstood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a moment or two, went west.

Right here, my friend, we come to the end
Of copulation's classic:
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anaesthetic.

He fell to the floor, and he knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
Nor did he shout as his cock fell out,
Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread.

Then, Mexican Pete did leap to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt,
He rammed it up Nellie's cunt.

He rammed it hard to the trigger guard,
Then fired two times three,
But to his surprise, Nell closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstacy.

She rose to her feet with a smile so sweet,
Then "Bully," she said, "for you.
Though I might have guessed that that was the best
That you two poor pimps could do.

"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,
And yourself an elephant gun.

"I'm going forth to the frozen North
Where the peckers are hard and strong,
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.

"It's hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk.
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a solid, frozen chunk.

"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.

"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song.

"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold the jonnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.

"In the Valley of Death with baited breath,
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle
And the rotting corpses screw.

"Back to the land where men are Men,
I'll say 'Terra Bellicum,'
And there I'll spend my worthy end,
For the North is calling: 'Come!'"

Then Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk away from the Rio Grande,
Dead-Eye Dick with his useless prick,
And Pete with no gun in his hand.

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?

Comments

Touche, M'sieu Pussycat!

Can you still get this album. I remember about 20 years ago friends pinching when out for dinner from a restaurant that had a disc library. Not sure what happened to my cassette copy but it would be great to have a CD.
Dave

Can you still get this album. I remember about 20 years ago friends pinching when out for dinner from a restaurant that had a disc library. Not sure what happened to my cassette copy but it would be great to have a CD.
Dave

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