Of course I have better things to do than watch Big Brother but as the staff will be talking about it here is a handy quick guide to the contestants I read online elsewhere...
As an exemplar I give you Kitten - "Kitten is a human and animal rights activist. She is a strict vegetarian and is angered by sexism, pornography, homophobia, racism and George Bush. She has two cats called Puddypuddyquadropodteddyteddyteapot and Kittykittyquadropodtabbytabbypeaches."
And of course she is Lesbian who lives in Brighton - I think this will be a "Blog for Kitten" when I get the graphic made.
But on with the fun - here are the rest of the runners and riders....
This year, the producers of Big Brother 5 have intentionally set out to
cause as much conflict as possible and make everyone's lives a living
hell, including, apparently, the viewer. Let's review those housemates and
their opening words in full.
Marco, 21 year old "law student":
"Whoo! I'm so gay! G-A-Y! Y-M-C-Gay! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! I love being gay! I
love being bald! I love everything! Whoo! Whoo-hoo!"
Ahmed, 44 year old "property investor":
"I'm an asylum seeker, I'm a refugee, I'm a muslim, I have no papers of
any kind. I don't like gays."
Jason, 30 year old "air steward":
"I've slept with over 250 people and yet amazingly I have been single for
the last five years. I look like I've just stepped off the beach of some
soap opera, but I don't know how my enormous muscles will cope without my
steroids. I'm not saying if I'm gay but I do moisturise my buttocks, and
I've turned up tonight wearing nothing but leopardskin underpants."
Daniel, 30 year old "hairdresser":
"I'm gay and bald too, but I hate gays like Marco. I'm so attractive that
straight men want to sleep with me, and so do all women. People can't
handle me because I'm so real."
Stuart, 20 year old "psychology student":
"I'm the smartest boy in the world! And despite looking like one of the
blokes from Supergrass, everyone loves me. You'll just have to wait to see
if I'm gay or not. I like Busted! Whoo!"
Victor, 23 year old "politics student":
"I am black. I'll argue with anyone. You can call me 'slick' or 'The
Milkman' because I always deliver."
Vanessa, 26 year old "business studies student":
"I am *so* blonde! I have boobs!"
Emma, 20 year old "legal administrator":
"I'm from Liverpoooool. I think a homosexual is someone who has sex at
home. My hero is Janet Street-Porter. I see no reason to wear a bra."
Kitten, 24 year old "political activist":
"I *am* a lesbian, I *am* a radical feminist... (fade out)"
Michelle, 23 year old "mortgage advisor":
"I'd luv to do glamma modellin', iss sexy, innit? (PS:I love sex & porn.)"
Shell, 22 year old "history of art student":
"I *am* Felicity Kendal. I *like* my accent."
Nadia, 27 year old "bank clerk":
"I *love* this country! I am virgin! I used to be man."
Full marks to Kitten, who turned up, flicked V-signs at everyone, refused
to enter the house unless she could talk to her obvious slave girlfriend,
then flicked some more V-signs at the photographers and the crowd for good
measure, virtually guaranteeing her immediate exit from the series.