Not German Jokes
As a break from the ever popular German Jokes here are a few oneliners from goodness knows where.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"