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It's Friday so no German Jokes

"You should always unplug appliances before going to bed at night. There are two excepts to this rule: Fridges and life-support machines. Otherwise you could end up wasting a lot of vegetables"
Jimmy Carr

The rest of the best from the Edinburgh Fringe are below.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked
a million dollars... he's really let himself go... Eddie Bannon at the
Gilded Balloon

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. Susan Murray at the
Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound
people. David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we won't get much done." Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called
jail. Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work
out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you
not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what
job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her
computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well. Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at
the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy
Carr at the International Conference Centre

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked. Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl
out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad
players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was
no one looking for space. Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out
lads, we've all had a drink". Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things
that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to
pee on people. That put me right off him. Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. Ahmed
Ahmed at C34

Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday. Jeff Green at the
Assembly Rooms

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns
at the Pleasance

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at
the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was signing
copies of the script in Waterstones the other day. They threw me out. It
appears that you're meant to get permission first. Robin Ince (who
appeared in The Office) at the Underbelly

Comments

"i dont like the way the NHS contradicts itself, they say they won't treat people for obesity, so can you tell me why John Pressoct is currently sat in a hospital bed?" Sam Holdroyd, Jesters

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