Q&A: Your bird flu concerns
Concern is growing about the spread of bird flu from birds to humans and the possibility of the H5N1 virus mutating so it can pass easily from human to human.
The BBC news website has asked the experts to answer your questions on the issues.
A virologist, the BBC's medical correspondent and the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds respond to your concerns.
And I have some excellent advice here from SHED....
Q: How do I avoid getting bird flu?
A: While it may seem overly cautious, various international health
authorities are advising that persons in high-risk areas such as India,
South East Asia and East Anglia refrain from fucking birds. At least
for the time being.
We understand that complete abstinence is not always a viable option,
and ask that when you do fuck birds, make sure to take appropriate
precautions, such as pulling out.
Q: Can I still eat poultry?
A: The thing is, bird flu tastes like chicken so you never know if your
General Tzo's is infected. You're at highest risk if you're eating at a
Chinese establishment that is owned by Pakistanis or a Kebab House owned
by the Chinese. Best stick to KFC, which is made
from featherless, beakless mutates that are not legally birds.
This way you can die of cancer like the rest of your neighbors.
Q: How about eggs?
A: It depends on the kind of eggs. The ones that you buy in the store
should be fine. But if you're the kind of person that goes from tree to
tree raiding nests, you're engaging in high-risk behavior.
Q: How do I protect my cockatoo or canary from bird flu?
A: If you keep a cockatoo or canary as a pet, slaughter it immediately.
The proper way to do this is to grab its body in your fist, walk it into
the kitchen, place it on the cutting board, and lop its head off with a
knife. Pretty much any knife will do. Bird necks are about as tough as
As you probably know, the head and body must be burned, separately, with
their ashes scattered in different directions. Just like you're
disposing of a vampire corpse.
Important: Be sure to rinse thoroughly both the knife and your cutting
board! How stupid would you feel if you successfully killed and disposed
of the infected bird only to later die from decrusting a Marmite
I bet you'd feel pretty fucking stupid.
If the caged bird is a beloved family pet, have your husband, wife or
live-in fuckbuddy take the kids to a movie before slaughtering. When
they come home, explain to them that lil' Petey flew out the window and
then surprise them with a new pet monkey. Kids love monkeys, and they're
Q: What's the difference between a pandemic and an epidemic?
A: Here's a handy way of remembering it: If your home town is in the
"-demic" part, you're probably already dead.
Q: Is this thing a genuine threat or just media hype?
A: Despite what Michael Moore might have you believe, the two are not
mutually exclusive. Michael Jackson was both a legitimate concern and
the vertex of a media circus. Know what else gets a lot of hype but is
also really dangerous? Terrorism.
Q: Is the United Kingdom prepared to deal with an outbreak of bird flu?
A: Are you kidding? Haven't you been watching the news? According to
most leading scientists, the bird flu will not only pick off the elderly
and young (which wouldn't be so bad because we fall into neither
category), but also the hale and hearty that fall in the middle.
Have you seen 12 Monkeys? It'll be like that, only we haven't yet
invented that rusty time-travel contraption through which they send
Bruce Willis to save the world. But if we do invent one, I say we send
back a scientist, and not a half-retarded convict whose most distinct
personality trait is that he always acts like he's hung-over. Just a
Q : Should individuals stock up on flu drugs?
A: Honestly, if Avian bird flu breaks out, all the drugs in the world
aren't going to save you. Which is why I highly recommend stocking up on
any other drugs you might find in your kids' drug stash (usually to the
back of the sock drawer).
Drugs like pot, acid, Ecstasy and Percocet will make the whole slow
death thing a whole lot more painless. This of course only works if your
kids are cool.
Q: But I've had the flu before and it hasn't killed me.
A: This is the bird flu, not the regular flu. Regular flu symptoms
include fever, nausea, aches and difficulty sleeping. Symptoms of bird
flu are much, much different. They include walking into glass doors and
mirrors and an urge to defecate on public statues.