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Two nations

As I get older the truth that there are two nations everywhere becomes more self evident. I think the first time I noticed this was many years ago when I first went to Boarding School. As you know British Public Schools are always intensely interested in the bottys of the boys, and that they are functioning correctly. So outside the bogs was a chart where each boy had to cross if he had been or not each day. The cure for not going, or forgetting to mark the "bog board", was a large dose of Milk of Magnesia - from Matron.
So I developed a simple habit every day of first thing crossing the box whatever. I remember being caught doing this by a friend who was horrified that I would deceive the authorities in this way. I am sure he is probably a senior Civil Servant happy as one of Gordon's Turkeys, where as I still prefer to not have to complete the shit list checking everyday. Two nations.


What is it about Brits in authority that they take such an obsessive interest in shit?

I remember reading a book about the SOE in the Balkans during the last unpleasantness. One officer, who was spending his time disguised as a sheep on some serbian mountain or other, recieved from Cairo the radio message "Please detail your movements". Having probably been to the same school as you his automatic reply was "Once today twice yesterday."

Even as an adult, I have suffered the effects of this strange passion. Having undergone a minor (non-bowel related) operation in hospital the staff would not let me leave until I could satisfy Matron I'd had a dump.

This fixation with other people's poo confuses and scares me. Do they teach it in some sort of school for minor functionaries or is it a psychosis looked for in applicants for certain jobs? Can anyone enlighten me?


"Gordons Turkeys" ..... when bird flu arrives, will they be culled?? We have a right to know don't you think?

Well every night when I get home from work I ask my wife the question:

How Many Dumps!!!!

Of course I'm asking about our aging Border Collie who needs to be watched....

If I asked it of my wife I'd be spitting out teeth.

The boarding school authorities were intensely interested in my botty, too -- only they seemed to wish it bent over (clothed) so that a whipping could be delivered.

My record, which will stand forever, as whipping has since been outlawed (don't get me started), was 125 strokes of the cane in five years.

We never had to do the "bog-counting" thing, though. Good grief.

Something else struck me, though, in reading your account: it seems quite likely that such intrusiveness into one's private affairs may have "softened one up" to official noseyparkerness so that today's officialdom has an easier task when it comes to snooping and pesky questions...

As ever, my advice, when faced with impertinent questions from minor functionaries is to lie. The more outrageously the better. Not only does this confuse them, it helps to bugger up their statistical calculations.

In such small ways the revolution is carried forward.


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