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The dribble-soaked smiling guide to going green

Go green to save the planet… and £80,000 - Scotsman.com News
LIVING an environmentally friendly lifestyle can save more than £80,000 and cut carbon emissions by nearly 900 tonnes, a scientist will tell a group of schoolchildren today.
Dr David Reay, who is giving the opening speech of the second annual James Clerk Maxwell Lecture Series at the Edinburgh Academy, has calculated how different choices over a lifetime can have a radical effect on a person's impact on the planet and their finances.
A fairly affluent western person who is "ignorant" of climate change might produce 1,251 tonnes of greenhouse gases, costing £131,000.
However, a similar person who lives a "climate-aware" life might produce just 370 tonnes at a cost of £48,845, a saving of 881 tonnes of emissions and £82,155.

Let us look at how saving that £80,000 changes your life:


• CHILDHOOD: Wears disposable nappies as a baby and is driven to nursery and primary school in his parents' four-wheel drive car. Gordon also leaves computers, stereos, televisions and video game machines on for hours when not using them. Instead of putting on a jumper, he turns up the heating in his room. Family holidays involve flights to France and Egypt.

• EARLY ADULTHOOD: Buys a seven-year-old old Ford Escort as a student, flies to Thailand on holidays. On getting a job, he upgrades to a VW Golf GTI, goes to a large out-of-town shopping centre, buying food from all over the world, and takes holidays in Spain.

• FAMILY MAN: Buys a Volvo V70 estate car, food bill and miles rise as children are born. Holidays are in the United States. Children leave home, reducing emissions, but Gordon buys a Mercedes Benz S500 and now holidays in Peru. He consumes 33kg of food from around the world a week, resulting in 4,370kg of greenhouse gases a year from transport costs.

• RETIREMENT: Buys a Jaguar XJ8, takes annual holiday in New Zealand.

• DEATH: Chooses a brushed steel coffin and elaborate concrete catacomb.

Lifetime emissions of greenhouse gases: 1251 tonnes

• CHILDHOOD: Wears washable nappies, saving 12kg of greenhouse gas emissions a year, compared with disposables. Parents take her to nursery by bicycle and she later goes to school by bus. Family holidays are in UK towns, such as Plymouth and Chester. Amy turns off appliances after using them.

• EARLY ADULTHOOD: As a student, she uses a bicycle and public transport to get about, stays in UK for holidays. Sets her computer to go to sleep mode when inactive for more than a few minutes. Uses low-energy light bulbs. On getting a job, buys energy-efficient appliances, insulates her well-designed home, recycles and composts, buys local food.

• FAMILY WOMAN: Arrival of children sees increase in emissions, with amount of food bought rising to 33kg a week. Buying local food limits rise in emissions from transport costs to 147kg a year. Holidays spent in Skegness and exploring home city.

• RETIREMENT: Uses public transport to get around and continues to holiday in UK.

• DEATH: Buried in a hessian sack.

Lifetime emissions of greenhouse gases: 370 tonnes

If that isn't the best £80k you will ever spend I don't know what is.

You will be pleased to know that Dr Reay is writing a book for children explaining it all, look out for it for Xmas 2008, as he says "The inspiration was only ever a dribble-soaked smile away."


Your point is well made. We only get one life and we should make the best of it. If Dr David MiseReay guts wants to live an austere life, getting his warmth from his smug, self-satisfaction, then that's his business, although I suspect, like all these green miserabilists, that his prescription is for others not himself. He no doubt needs to fly around the globe, educating, researching and attending global warming bunfights. They can certainly count my family out, we plan to live life to the full extent that we can afford. We've already flown to Brisbane for a long weekend this year. Next month we're flying up to Cairns to pick up MrsBud's new Jag (not an XJ8 mind, are we green or what?). We've also got flights already booked this year for the UK, Sydney and Melbourne. They'll definitely be a couple more Brisbane trips to squeeze in sometime as well. And not a one will be carbon offset.

Talk about picking extremes! Holidaying every year in Thailand as a student? Annual holidays in Peru and New Zealand? FFS! What planet does Dr Reay inhabit. More to the point, what institution awarded him a PhD?

Just taking the nappy thing: Assume 4 nappies per day that equates to 1460 per annum. Using Dr Reay's figures that adds up to 8g of CO2 extra per nappy if one uses disposables. I'll bet Amy's mum exhaled more than that thanks to her efforts washing (by hand?), drying and folding all those terries.

Hands up who thinks Dr Reay should stand accused as a disemblng fuckwit of the first order.

btw. In consuming all those locally produced cabbages and sprouts one has to ask how much more methane Amy will fart into the atmosphere. Did Dr Reay factor that into the equation?

Sanctimonious twat. Did he include the increase in power use caused by washing Amy's nappies? Or that used to heat the greenhouses for her local food, and her hotel rooms in Skegness and Chester? (As an aside; Skegness? WTF?) Anyway, I'm saving tons of CO2 by not having children; do I get a credit for that?

"what institution awarded him a PhD?" University of Essex, nough said.

Nice thing about consuming locally produced foodicular items is that one can sit around the energy saving light bulb lit dinner table, unable to see what one is eating, laughing about all those brown people what is starving because you are not buying their produce. After all, the world needs less people, just not less sanctimonious, hair-thinning, greenie bastards. If ever a face needed a baseball bat, this is it:



• CHILDHOOD: Parents spend countless hours scraping turds from washable nappies, consume washing powders and gallons of 90degC heated water cleaning them, compared with disposables. Parents risk pollutants and having head crushed by taking her to nursery by bicycle and she later goes to school by bus where she is stabbed. Family holidays are forbidden as indulgent. Cyth does not know what an appliance is as they are products of the consumerist, capitalist nexus.

• EARLY ADULTHOOD: As a student, she uses a bicycle and biofuel Ka to get around, forcing Mexicans to riot due to the high price of flour, stays in UK for holidays as she knows nothing else. Is in a total dilemma over footwear and clothing, as she cannot decide between leather or plastic footwear, nylon or water-depleting cotton. Sets her computer to go to sleep mode when inactive for more than a few minutes, so loses countless sets of data to head crashes. Uses low-energy light bulbs and bottle-bottom glasses from enduring the flickering they produce. Has a nervous tick and stammer brought about by the irritating delay when lights switched on. Delay adds up to 1 year in lost life. Outside, plants die due to the mercury leakage from old LECFs. On getting a State job paid for by the carbon emissions and consumption of the capitalist sector, buys brand new energy-efficient appliances, insulates her well-designed home that will fall down in 20 years needing more carbon in the long run, recycles and composts, buys local food heated by oil in greenhouses.

• FAMILY WOMAN: Arrival of children sees increase in emissions, with amount of food bought rising to 33kg a week and even more use of biofuel resulting in even less food for Mexicans. Buying local food limits rise in emissions from transport costs to 147kg a year but heating costs spiral. Holidays spent in Skegness and exploring home city but only after 10 year interlude when she is finally free from the drudgery of washing terry nappies 24/7.

• DEATH: Buried under her third environmentally sound home that, like the others, collapses due to it not being structurally sound after a few years. Too old and weak to leap out of the way.

• RETIREMENT: Dies young so does not see it, worn out by manual labour, teeth to nubbins due to gritty, fibrous food and mecrury poisoning from lightbulbs.

As a father of twins, I cannot imagine any force on earth that could persuade me to give up disposable nappies. These people are complete fruit cakes.

Pampers are the single biggest technological breakthrough of the 20th century and the biggest boon to womans rights ever.

I still plan to have holidays around the coast, and go to Spain and France, Italy and the Med.
I can do this because I own/live on a sailboat.
If some nanger ever congratulates me for being enviro friendly, I will kill them after torture and render their quivering corpse down for fuel for the auxilliary diesel.
A suggestion for this half witted prof and his undoubted legions of mentally deficient followers: top yourselves now and make MY world a better place.

Buried in hessian sack...that alone says it all! I'm going to drive 60miles this norning to my fav diner...it seems the right thing to do.

Bravo Roger Thornhill.

There really is no response to these fluorescent green cretins than loud derision and, occasionally, giving them such a slap across the chops that they ricochet off three walls.

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