An Englishman's Castle

December 15, 2006

Let us now praise..

Operational Honours - Full List - Times Online

Afghanistan

Victoria Cross: Corporal Bryan James Budd, The Parachute Regiment (killed in action).

George Cross: Corporal Mark William Wright, The Parachute Regiment (killed in action).

Mrs Budd received the VC on behalf of her husband, who died in August. Although injured, he continued with a lone assault on the Taleban, “attacking and killing the enemy as he rushed their position. His action inspired the rest of the platoon, who had taken cover after coming under enemy fire. They reorganised and mounted an attack, eliminating more Taleban and eventually forcing their withdrawal. When Corporal Budd’s body was later recovered, it was found surrounded by three dead Taleban.”

Corporal Budd, 29, from Ripon, North Yorkshire, had been involved in an earlier attack, on July 27, in which he also displayed exceptional courage while rescuing a wounded colleague under fire.

Mrs Budd, a clerk in the Royal Artillery, said: “Bryan will always be remembered by me as a loving husband and father to our two beautiful daughters, Isabelle and Imogen.” Imogen was born a month after Corporal Budd died. He is only the second recipient of the VC in 24 years.
Corporal Wright, 27, from Edinburgh, was killed while trying to save comrades trapped in a minefield in Helmand province, southern Afghanistan.

These stories are buried in the inside pages with the front pages taken up with froth and nonsense about poltroons, spivs and air-heads. I'm sure I'm not alone in preferring these men to Di, Dodi, Toni and Levy....

Posted by The Englishman at 6:07 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

April 14, 2006

Pain

BBC NEWS | Health | Foetuses 'cannot experience pain'

Foetuses cannot feel pain because it requires mental development that only occurs outside the womb, says a report in the British Medical Journal.
Dr Stuart Derbyshire, of the University of Birmingham, said a baby's actions and relationships with carers enabled it to process the subjectivity of pain. ..
"Pain is something that comes from our experiences and develops due to stimulation and human interaction.

"It involves concepts such as location, feelings of unpleasantness and having the sensation of pain.

"Pain becomes possible because of a psychological development that begins at birth when the baby is separated from the protected atmosphere of the womb and is stimulated into wakeful activity."

Dr Derbyshire said whether or not foetuses felt pain did not affect the abortion debate because it did not change the moral viewpoints of the pro-choice and pro-life lobby, or the legality of terminations.

So as pain is only felt after "human interaction etc" it is still alright to dissect unanaesthetised live dogs to study the blood flow is it? All that howling and squirming can't be reacting to pain can it? Or have we moved on from the medieval period?

Posted by The Englishman at 6:56 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 11, 2005

How "normal" are you?

Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test

Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen and his colleagues at Cambridge's Autism Research Centre have created the Autism-Spectrum Quotient, or AQ, as a measure of the extent of autistic traits in adults. In the first major trial using the test, the average score in the control group was 16.4. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with autism or a related disorder scored 32 or higher...

More:

Some people, including some people diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, argue that Asperger's syndrome is a social construct. Professor Simon Baron-Cohen of the Autism Research Centre has written a book arguing that Asperger's syndrome is an extreme version of the way in which men's brains differ from women's. He says that, in general, men are better at systematizing than women, and that women are better at empathizing than men.

A Wired Magazine article called The Geek Syndrome suggested that Asperger's syndrome is more common in the Silicon Valley, a haven for computer scientists and mathematicians. It created an enduring myth popularized in the media and self-help books that "Geek Syndrome" equals Asperger's syndrome, and precipitated a rash of self-diagnoses. Though these conditions do share traits, there is a consensus that most geeks are arguably "variant normal" and do not exhibit autistic-spectrum behaviors. "Geeks" may exhibit an extreme professional or casual interest in computers, science, engineering and related fields, and may be introverted; however, they do not suffer from impairments per se. This does not imply that there is no overlap between "geeks" and Asperger's patients, but it should be noted that self-diagnosis is a dangerous practice, and one prone to error.

Thanks goodness it is "prone to error" as I scored 45...

Posted by The Englishman at 7:03 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

June 28, 2005

Come fly with me!

Google Earth is a standalone application that's essentially an enhanced and upgraded version of its Keyhole 3D satellite imagery product. As Google has done with several of its past acquisitions, the company has also made the application free to all users, dropping its annual subscription fee for the basic version. Google Earth Plus with additional features will cost $20 per year.

Google Earth is designed to make it easy to "fly" to aerial views of many locations on the planet. Currently, the application has detailed imagery for the U.S., Canada and the U.K. and 38 major cities in other countries, as well as medium to high resolution terrain imagery for the entire world.

The application is a "console" with controls allowing you manipulate 3D satellite imagery of the Earth in a viewer directly above the controls. When you first start the application, your view is of the entire globe. You can either use the controls or Google Earth's search functions to zoom in on a specific location.

Wow wow wow!

Posted by The Englishman at 5:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 24, 2005

Where's that global warming when you need it?

After a break of 24 years I'm going to an Oxford May Ball this evening - and what is happening to our heatwave ? uk.weather.com - Oxford Weather. Bugger. Still it will be good to go back to St John's. I'm too old for this staying up lark, still I should be alright as long as I don't call any police horses gay!

Posted by The Englishman at 6:56 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 14, 2005

Recommendation 2

The right eye has been becoming weaker and weaker - I blame the Internet - so much so I have been toying with starting to shoot left handed as the target has become a blur even with my glasses.

But last week I went for an eye test, they said the prescription was only slightly different, but I ought to have new glasses. A quick look at the prices in the Opticians, �170, �250 , plus this, plus that, had me feeling my way out for a quick reviver.

A local firm, though they may as well be in Hong Kong, came to my rescue. Excellent service, the glasses came in four days and when I went shooting last night, for the first time ever I could see the bull as a focused dot! Now I have to find another excuse!

So my recommendation goes to:-
glassesdirect.co.uk

How to avoid the UK glasses rip off
1. Get an eye test at a high street optician
2. Buy online, using your prescription
3. Receive your glasses

Posted by The Englishman at 7:03 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

defrag C: -f

The old computer I blog from has been becoming slower and more annoying as time goes on, a bit like me really. For some reason the Windows XP defragger won't work, the MMC is missing in action or something - which also means other defraggers like Diskeeper also wont work. But yesterday I found the answer - the Command Line. The old ways still work, thank goodness for "conservatism".

Posted by The Englishman at 6:48 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 20, 2005

German Jokes - Part III

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don�t know. I just deliver packages.

Knock, knock
Who�s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.

Knock knock
Who�s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I�m the guy delivering it.
Great.

And before anyone complains, yes I borrowed them from somewhere else! _ but I must get Google back sending people to my site for German Jokes and not for Paula Radcliffe Pissing Pictures, which is what most of my visitors today have been after.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:44 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

A new one for the Favourites folder

Google Maps, Google Local launches for Britain and Ireland - Wikinews

April 20, 2005
Google has extended its mapping (http://maps.google.co.uk/) and local searching (http://local.google.co.uk/) services to the United Kingdom and Ireland.

Posted by The Englishman at 2:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 18, 2005

Competiton

Number of visits Pages Hits Bandwidth
Das Englander Castle Average 1022.33 2304.44 5218.61 85.39 MB
The Competition Average 1151.33 2125.22 14263.28 647.65 MB

And the Bastard can shoot straighter, but I think I can pee higher up the wall.

But when we look at his class of visitors I think the difference really tells, here are the search phrase that bring visitors to the sites:

Search Keyphrases (Top 10)
haiti 4.8 %
paula radcliffe toilet 4.5 %
paula radcliffe toilet break 3.2 %
paula radcliffe toilet picture 1.1 %
paula radcliffe marathon toilet 0.8 %
hate 0.8 %
radcliffe toilet marathon 0.6 %
free market 0.6 %
paula radcliffe toilet pictures 0.5 %
how to kill a chicken 0.5 %

Which seems to me to show a certain lavatorial bent in his readers, whereas I think you, gentle reader, show a much nobler inclination; three latin phrases in the top ten for instance!

german jokes 3.6 %
rent a german 2.6 %
honi soit qui mal y pense 1.1 %
where does oil come from 1 %
bos primigenius 0.9 %
entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem 0.7 %
syllabub 0.4 %
defending a castle 0.4 %
otis ferry 0.4 %
flying pigs 0.4 %

So stick with the Castle for a cultured debate!

Posted by The Englishman at 11:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Britain's Golden Shower Girl

Just glancing at my referrers this morning I noticed a heap of perverts looking for Google Search: paula radcliffe london marathon piddle and Pee and Shit etc.

Which perplexed me. Not wanting to disappoint my visitors I did some research. I rescued the sports pages from the bin and looked through - Yee Gods the bloody woman just squatted down and took a dump on the side of the road, in front of the crowds and live on TV - Photo. And they say she is an inspiration to the young. I tell you athletics are bad for your body - have you seen the state she is in? I couldn't fancy that even after six months in solitary ; bad for your brain - have you ever heard an intelligent word spoken by an athlete - they have to use a coach to learn how to breathe, for Gods sake; and bad for society.
And people want the Olympics in London - it might be acceptable to squat in the gutter in Paris - in fact I believe it is the norm. But in London?
If I want to see women peeing I believe there are clubs for that sort of thing - not on the streets please.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:26 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

New word of the week

World Wide Words is always a good read - this weeks newsletter (one week ahead of the web page) introduces us to this useful word:

"Drachenfutter",
"dragon fodder", the peace offering German husbands make to their wives when they have engaged in some inappropriate behaviour.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:58 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 15, 2005

British Hospitality

So this Texan who visits the UK to sample Wadworth's 6X and other fine beers is in London and decides to explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of bitter.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobby, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobby. "Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobby, "That is what we call the French Embassy.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:03 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

April 13, 2005

A different sort of Double Barrel

Spartan Gunworks :: Rifles & Combos Shotgun Upper / Centerfire Rifle Lower - Rifle/Shotgun Combo - now how would I get that on my ticket?
They also do 410 shotgun / .22 Rimfire rifle combo gun!
via Kim

Posted by The Englishman at 9:06 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 12, 2005

Die Spam, Die!

SpamLookup is a new MT plugin to kill Spam - If you have an MT blog, go get it and install, until we can use cattle prods on spammers it is the best we can do.

(Mr FM - as you were - it is up and running on your blog - check the main page for its control panel.)

Posted by The Englishman at 8:06 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 7, 2005

Happy Dance II

It is not the Present Mrs Englishman's Birthday today and any suggestion that, if it was, it would be a significant number involved is scurrilous, but that is me done for the day - off to party!

Posted by The Englishman at 7:37 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Happy Dance 1

A year or so ago I refused to deal with a company as I thought they were crooks, and my refusal caused certain problesm. So imagine my delight this morning to see that the FTC is keeping $1.5m of their money as a settlement!

Posted by The Englishman at 7:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 31, 2005

Headache

Urgh! Rough as Badger's Arse this morning - cold streaming out every oriface, guts as rotten as a nu-labour promise and the Englishettes have brought a sickness bug back to The Castle. Combined with a few beers with the Good Colonel last night - "So what are these Bloggie things then?" - and I am not a well bunny. If I can leave off driving the Porcelain Bus for long enough - IPA, Pork Scratchings and Gaviscon don't look any better the second time round - I will try and make use of my enforced leisure by filling in the most important form this year.
My subsidy application: Punching the numbers in to the FWi - Single Farm Payment Calculator it looks OK for the next ten years, provided no one goes and upsets the EU applecart.
And once that it is done it will be filling in the Entry Level Stewardship application.
And of course the Countryside Stewardship Scheme still has another eight years to run on this farm. I tell you it is hard work being a farmer these days..

Posted by The Englishman at 10:16 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 25, 2005

Help your non-local blogger

Young Tim Worstall stuck out in foreign parts away from the comforts of Blighty asks for your help - he has a cunning plan in which 90 seconds of your time keeps him in the style he wishes to enjoy - just the odd beer and meal. It is easy and painless and I have done my bit - why not go and help as well. It won't cost you a European Cent.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 24, 2005

Support your local blogger

Other bloggers may offer T-Shirts or mugs or caps but I thought An Englishman's Castle ought to be different: So here it is:

Rawlings 232 Wooden Baseball Bat handsigned by The Englishman with your choice of inscription - Legendary Adirondack northern white ash for optimum wood grain. 2.5" barrel, natural finish. 33" Adult size. - �25 - ideal for playing Rounders or whatever the American version is - I can't think of any other uses....

Posted by The Englishman at 9:09 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 22, 2005

Gmail geeky help

Gmail Notifier stopped working on all my machines - bad data error - the cure I found is to delete all your Google and Gmail cookies whilst the Notifier is not running. Or even just delete all your cookies ( from tools on the Interent Explorer menus.)
End of Public Service Broadcast.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 16, 2005

Great Management Moments

So I was pontificating again the other day about management styles and thought I ought to start writing that Management Guru book that I have inside. Can't decide between calling it "The ARSE Management Book" (ARSE - obviously standing for Anticipate, Rehearse, Speculate, Execute - the secret of being in control) or else "Pig Farming Secrets for Senior Management". Things like it is easier to move a pig with a bucket of food than to push it; If you beat a pig too often it may turn and bite you; If you let the pig think it is deciding where to go it will go there; And pigs know when it is time for market because the farmer stops tickling them behind the ears a week or so beforehand... Your help in deciding this would be welcome.

And in the hope of drumming up some advance orders let me tell you of one of my triumphs:

In a previous life I was presenting on why our fledgling company was positioned to take the world by storm, we had some competitors in Europe but we had identified them and we had mapped out the market sectors where we could beat them, and once we had established a toehold we could surround them and beat them. We also didn't have to worry about the American competition because they weren't going to turn up for a couple of years and we could then sell ourselves to them, make a lot of money and retire happy.

Knowing my potential investors I spiced the presentation with this map, subtly changed to show competitors names and market sectors.

Bigger

Went down well, great visual imagery illustrated the plan. We got the first investment. The map took pride of place in the office. So with our new money we invited over the potential big client, the one we had to win to set the rest of the plan rolling. They liked our technical stuff, the figures stacked up but the meeting was sticky and we never got the deal. It was only after they left to catch the flight back to Berlin that I noticed the map behind my head. Germans - no sense of humour.....

Posted by The Englishman at 10:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 8, 2005

Just got better

Google Desktop Search Download - out of Beta and now supports Firefox and Thunderbird. Essential tool.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Wave as you say goodbye

MyBlogLog tracks your blog's outgoing links - neat.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 6, 2005

Sinister Gun Trade

I escaped my Oubliette this afternoon to try out the Martini Action BSA I bought last week in the dark from a man in the Pub car park. (passim). The Son and Heir and I loosed off a few shots at the various damaged crockery I had scavenged and then I thought I would try a cunning scheme. One of my many troubles with shooting is that my right eye suffers from astigmatism so I can't see the bloody target. So as no one was around I thought I would try shooting off the left shoulder. What a strange feeling that is - a bit like using your left hand....Well at least I could see the target, and I hit it - not sure though if it is worth persevering trying this out or whether to continue to squint down the range. But the biggest surprise was finding out that the Martini has a bloody left handed stock, and I hadn't noticed in the dark. That will teach me to do dodgy dealings. Still I have the consolation in knowing there is a man in Texas who covets it!

Posted by The Englishman at 10:26 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 4, 2005

Friday night fun

Concentration test for men

Posted by The Englishman at 9:25 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 1, 2005

Peter wants a rise - some tips

Cuthbertson's Conservative Commentary causes concern, can't capture consumers consistently.

1) Site visit figures are unreliable.
2) If you want visits you have to feed the beast every day. Readers want something new.
3) Don't try and write to get visitors. Write to tell a mate down the pub what interests you and you think he would be interested in - or perform pinpoint surgery on targets which others can then pick up on.
4) Get the length right. If you do snippets do them well, they are the little savouries that should leave a lingering taste; if you do long articles, you are asking people to invest a lot of time in reading, make it worth their while every time.
5) Don't expect too much - I expect 40 visits a day here - I get a few more and am very happy.
6) Full disclosure - the adverts on this site have earned me $3.19 over the last year - but on my other Blog which I only spend a couple of minutes a day on - I average $150-$200 a month. The difference is that the other blog is tightly focused on a specific niche, no ego involved. This one is just my playground.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:47 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Martini Action

Wasted half of last night by going to some bloody PartnerShip meeting where various people argue about Five Year Plans and Land Use Restrictions and getting money from various arms of the Government. All will be right with the world if we have Arts and Crafts Learning Workshops and not houses and when someone mentioned ASDA the word Walmart was hissed...Socialist planning is alive and well at local level.
But the night got better as I popped into the pub to spend an hour or so filling out Firearm Certificates etc. Eight photos supplied and countersigned by two referees...

But at least I managed to buy an old BSA Martini action rifle from a man in the Pub - who then had to push start the Pikeymobile to get it started so I could drive home.....

Posted by The Englishman at 7:32 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

February 26, 2005

Zostered

Mrs Englishman and I went out for dinner last night - I was under strict instructions to behave. Previous Dinner parties have resulted in a certain coolness in the air the next morning - the one where I went out for a Rugby Club lunch and I hoped they wouldn't notice how drunk I was when we arrived. As Basil Fawlty said "I think I got away with it" - but apparently I told a most unsuitable joke... And then when we went to mix with some nice people, all went well until she said "when my horse goes toilet". To THE toilet you stupid woman, and bloody horses don't go "to toilet"; they stale. Learn the proper word... And then the one where I thought I had nothing wrong, and she didn't let on for a week the reason for the marital frostiness was that I went to sleep at the table for twenty minutes - I didn't fall into the pudding though... and the time I had an allergic reaction to the Kedgereee and it looked like they had had Bobby Sands in decorating the Bathroom ....

So best behaviour last night - bugger, I went to sleep on the sofa before the coffees - deep doodah yet again.

So I woke this morning with:
General feeling of malaise
Headache
Vision abnormalities
Taste abnormalities
Drooping eyelid (ptosis)
Loss of eye motion etc.

And it gets worse - the Englishettes are going down with Chicken Pox - routine vaccinations don't happen in the UK. And guess what? I have never bloody had Chicken Pox. So I'm feeling itches everywhere as I imagine I'm being invaded and reading articles such as MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Herpes zoster to see the symptoms (such as above)...
I'm doomed Captain Mainwaring, doomed I tell you - the red cross has been painted on the door and I am carrying a bell...

Posted by The Englishman at 8:14 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

February 22, 2005

Help request - especially from Texans

Regular readers might know that my wife tries to help a local charity (The Devizes Opportunity Center) to raise money.
This year there is an idea to hold a Chili Cookoff in the summer - but we are Limeys and have never been to one and don't have any idea how to hold one - any help really appreciated.

Posted by The Englishman at 10:41 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

I may be some time

Little man, what now? is a newish blog on the scene - seems fairly sound except they appear to like cats. Go and say Hi!

Posted by The Englishman at 3:08 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

February 17, 2005

They are all after my money..

Tim Worstall and L'Ombre de l'Olivier are after my million pounds - hah! I say! It is mine and I have started to spend it already. Just as soon as I get through on the phone +1.303617393468 I will be rich!

Posted by The Englishman at 9:17 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 16, 2005

How fashionable are you?

The Baby Name Wizard's NameVoyager
To begin start typing in a name!

Posted by The Englishman at 8:12 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Please call +1.303617393468

I have tried to get through but all I get is a modem talking to me - and I have won �1 million and all I want to do is claim it. If you get through ask them to just send the cheque.

It is not often they leave their telephone number available....

FROM: THE DESK OF THE E-MAIL PROMOTIONS MANAGER,
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Posted by The Englishman at 5:59 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

Dead Tree Blog

All Consuming

All Consuming is a website that visits recently updated weblogs every hour, checking them for links to books on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Sense, and other book sites. Every book on this site has a list of all the weblogs that have mentioned it, and every weblog that has mentioned books in the past also has a page here listing which books it has mentioned.

The last thing I need is more books on my "to read" list - but this is fascinating - it utilises the dispersed knowledge filtering of Blogs to pick out some great Books...

Posted by The Englishman at 6:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 15, 2005

Support the fight against Islamofascists and Global Warming Scaremongers

The Present Mrs Englishman went out walking today with the Girl and the Spare Girl and discovered my Brother and I loading up the pigs into a Transport Box - whoops, "Yes, Darling, they are going on Holiday"...
So I'm in deep Do-dos, and she doesn't yet realise they are coming back nicely wrapped in clingfilm in handy oven sized joints in a day or so..
Shit - I need help - please someone buy some of this excellent Happy Pork - reared outside with lots of TLC - they didn't even mind the Shoulder Slapping - Cheap - And you know none of our Raghead friends will be sharing it, and before I started this second bottle of really rather good Claret I thought of a reason why the Green Nazis wouldn't either, but I have forgotten it now..
The Previous Mrs Englishman has bought half a pig as has her father and her new man's best mate so it must be good..
Look: Tim Worstall wants your empty inkjet cartridges and what does he offer in return? No yummy mouth feel, no juicy grease running down your chin, no individually tattooed bits of meat for you delectation, no Yum yum at all. You know it makes sense.
And did I mention it is cheap?

Posted by The Englishman at 9:45 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Good News

The Heir has been fitted with a swanky new Titanium plate rather than the previous Vinegar and Brown paper contraption. All going well so far, so I'm slowly working my way through a bottle of decent Claret and then off to bed. Driving up and back to the local NHS hospital an hour away is taking up blogging time - apologies.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 2, 2005

Oh no what have I downloaded now...

WikidPad - wiki notebook/outliner for windows

wikidPad is a real-time wiki
wikidPad is not a web server, or application server, or groupware solution. wikidPad is a standalone notepad like application, albeit notepad on steroids. wikidPad is like an IDE for your thoughts.
Seems like a great idea now - what will I think in the morning?

Posted by The Englishman at 11:11 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Where am I?

UKBlogger map
Oh, there I am...

Posted by The Englishman at 11:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 26, 2005

SNAFU

Kim du Toit - Daily Rant has changed URL - blogroll the new one!
(Login doesn't seem to be working at the moment if tech support sees this.)

Neil Armstrong - has gone anonymous - so has been struck from the Roll. Jees, he is worried about his Mum finding out he blogs, imagine my grief if the present Mrs Englishman finds out what I'm doing on the computer - she thinks I'm looking for porn or something harmless not blogging......

Posted by The Englishman at 11:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 25, 2005

Sorry..

Error Message Generator gives me this:

Posted by The Englishman at 8:39 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Education Education Education

A year ago a post here - An Englishman's Castle: Chavs - was one of the first reporters on Chavs - the entry still gets comments - such as this gem today from, presumably, a Chav:

uz lot r jst sad god ur disin ppl ryt n u probz dnt even no ne chavz dat wel ne wayz. go get a lyf n stop getin involvd wiv stuf dat dnt mata. u no if u spent as much tym finkin bout wot ur doin dan wot uva ppl r doin u myt not al b snobby twats.

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January 21, 2005

Comments

Sorry - didn't notice that comments died yesterday - email if you want to say something! I will see if I can prod them back into action but I suspect a massive spam attack has caused the host to disable them.

Posted by The Englishman at 4:52 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 19, 2005

AntiSpam move

MT-Blacklist Massive weblog anti-spam initiative: rel="nofollow"

(Cutting out) the rotting flesh that the (spam) maggots sought out in the first place.

If you run an MT powered blog go and do this easy step - if you don't ignore this post. If you owe me a pint you know who you are!

Posted by The Englishman at 10:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 17, 2005

Its Trigger Time!

Of course I refute Mr Laban Tall's suggestion:

"Mr Free Market and the Englishman are already as close as two men can be without having to sign one of Mr Livingstone's civic unions."

However, I did spend some time yesterday with Mr Free Market ....
Sunday Trigger Time

Well it made me smile- large download.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:48 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

King Billy - The Answers

King Billy questions

"Scire ubi aliquid invenire possis, ea demum maxima pars eruditionis est."

Continue for the Answers.

1 1 - Rockall (wreck of Norge); 2 - Oseberg ship; 3 - Charles Rennie Mackintosh (the Willow Tea Rooms in Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow); 4 - Sisavang Vong of Laos; 5 - Anton Chekhov; 6 - Madame Butterfly; 7 - Royal Horticultural Society; 8 - St Louis (third Olympic Games); 9 - Fire on paddle steamer General Slocum in New York harbour; 10 - launching of TrSS Manxman

2 1 - Francis Davey (Daphne du Maurier - Jamaica Inn); 2 - The Vicar of Bray; 3 - Rev Sam Weech (The Titfield Thunderbolt); 4 - William Collins (Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice); 5 - Mr Chadband (Charles Dickens - Bleak House); 6 - Mr Roundhay (Conan Doyle - The Adventure of the Devil's Foot); 7 - Mr Brocklehurst (Charlotte Bront� - Jane Eyre); 8 - Dr Daly (W S Gilbert - The Sorcerer); 9 - Rev John Laputa (John Buchan - Prester John); 10 - Rev Josiah Crawley (Anthony Trollope - Framley Parsonage)

3 1 - Walker Art Gallery (George Stubbs); 2 - the Boswells (Carla Lane - Bread); 3 - Sir John and Cecil Moores; 4 - Wellington/Waterloo Monument (Melville Monument); 5 - Carl Bernard Bartels (Sculptor of the Liver Birds); 6 - Mersey Rail Tunnel (1886); 7 - Nathaniel Hawthorne (1856-7); 8 - Adelphi Hotel; 9 - Church of Our Lady and St Nicholas (1810); 10 - Custom House (Jules Verne - Around the World in Eighty Days)

4 1 - Mary Wilson; 2 - Dr Hawley Harvey Crippen; 3 - Dr Edward Pritchard; 4 - Dr Neill Cream; 5 - Frederick Gordon Radford; 6 - Lady Frances Howard, Countess of Essex; 7 - Dr Henry George Lamson; 8 - Graham Young; 9 - John Armstrong; 10 - Major Herbert Armstrong

5 1 - Deal pier (1873); 2 - Cromer pier (1993); 3 - Bangor pier (1914); 4 - Southend-on-Sea pier (1908); 5 - Britannia Pier, Great Yarmouth (1859); 6 - Penarth pier (1947); 7 - Yarmouth (Isle of Wight) pier (1876); 8 - North pier, Blackpool (1897); 9 - Saltburn pier (1924); 10 - Skegness pier (1919)

6 1 - Vasa Loppet (Swedish long distance ski race); 2 - Glacier Express; 3 - Offa's Dyke Path; 4 - Pennine Way; 5 - Leighton Buzzard Light Railway; 6 - Wuppertal Schwebabahn (monorail); 7 - E20; 8 - Hadrian's Wall; 9 - Channel Tunnel; 10 - Barcelona Metro

7 1 - James I to Anne of Denmark; 2 - William I to Matilda of Flanders (Eu); 3 - Henry VI to Margaret of Anjou (Titchfield Abbey); 4 - Edward IV to Elizabeth Grey nee Woodville (Grafton Regis); 5 - Henry VIII to Jane Seymour; 6 - Edward I to Eleanor of Castille (Las Huelgas); 7 - Richard I to Berengaria of Navarre (Limassol); 8 - Charles II to Catherine of Braganza (Portsmouth); 9 - William IV to Adelaide of Saxe-Meiningen; 10 - Edward III to Philippa of Hainault

8 1 - William Tell; 2 - King William IV; 3 - Williamsburg (Virginia); 4 - Williamanmary (Sellar & Yeatman - 1066 And All That); 5 - Sir William Hardy (Rainbow Warrior); 6 - Prince William Sound (Exxon Valdes, 1989); 7 - Father William (Lewis Carroll - Alice's Adventures in Wonderland); 8 - William the Lawless (Richmal Crompton); 9 - King William II; 10 - Sweet William

9 1 - Yes Tor (Devon); 2 - Ben Lomond (trad. Scottish song - Loch Lomond); 3 - Snowdon (John Betjeman - A Bay in Anglesey); 4 - Bredon Hill (A E Housman - A Shropshire Lad); 5 - Brandon Mountain (Co. Kerry - St Brendan); 6 - Plynlimon (Lewis Glen Cothi in George Borrow - Wild Wales); 7 - Leith Hill (Surrey); 8 - Black Combe (William Wordsworth - View from the top of Black Combe); 9 - Ben Bulben (W B Yeats - Under Ben Bulben); 10 - Malvern (Lord Macaulay - The Armada)

10 1 - Leonard Bernstein; 2 - Sir Jacob Epstein; 3 - Helena Rubinstein; 4 - Frankenstein; 5 - Wallenstein; 6 - Albert Einstein; 7 - Sergei Eisenstein (The Battleship Potemkin, 1925); 8 - Karl Bechstein 9 - Sir John Rothenstein; 10 - Field Marshal Fritz von Manstein (operation to relieve Stalingrad)

11 1 - White's Club, 69 St James's Street (1733 - Hogarth); 2 - Temple of Artemis at Ephesus (356BC - birth of Alexander the Great); 3 - Rome (AD64 - Nero); 4 - Reichstag, Berlin (1933); 5 - Matilda (Hilaire Belloc); 6 - Harrods (1883); 7 - �lesund, Norway (1904); 8 - Argyll Concert Rooms, London (1830); 9 - Great Fire of London (1666); 10 - Chicago (1871)

12 1 - Jonathan Edwards (triple jump world record, Gothenburg, 1995); 2 - Cambridge University VIII (Boat Race record time, 1998); 3 - Jim Laker (England v Australia, Old Trafford, 1956); 4 - Greg Norman (record four round score, Open Championship, Sandwich, 1993); 5 - Arsenal (unbeaten Premiership record, 2003/2004); 6 - Jack Hobbs (career batting record); 7 - Bj�rn Borg (v John McEnroe, Wimbledon Final, 1980); 8 - Paula Radcliffe (Marathon World Record, London, 2003); 9 - Roger Bannister (four-minute mile, Oxford, 1954); 10 - John McGuinness (outright mountain circuit lap record, Formula 1 TT, Isle of Man, 2004)

13 1 - Wight (French name); 2 - Irish Sea; 3 - Hebrides (Overture); 4 - Trafalgar; 5 - German Bight (Heligoland until 1956); 6 - Dogger; 7 - Bailey; 8 - Fisher (Bud, cartoonist); 9 - Lundy; 10 - FitzRoy (Capt Robert Fitzroy, first director of Met Office)

14 1 - Brown Hairstreak butterfly; 2 - Brown Clee (Shropshire); 3 - Father Brown (G K Chesterton); 4 - brown sauce; 5 - Thomas Brown ("I do not love thee Dr Fell"); 6 - Brown's Hotel (London); 7 - John Brown (militant abolitionist - 1859); 8 - Walnut Brown (Sherry - Williams and Humbert); 9 - Brown on Resolution (CS Forester); 10 - Brownshirts (SA)

15 1 - The Peach State; 2 - On Blueberry Hill; 3 - gooseberry; 4- International Date Line (Kiribati, 1994/5); 5 - Pears soap; 6 - Canaan Sodindo Banana (Zimbabwe, 1980-7); 7 - Harry Lime (Graham Greene - The Third Man); 8 - cherry-picker; 9 - Mark Lemon (founder and first editor of Punch); 10 - Plum Warner (MCC in Australia, 1932/3)

16 1 - Duntisbourne (Gloucestershire); 2 - Hemingford (Huntingdonshire); 3 - Manningford (Wiltshire); 4 - Lillingstone (Buckinghamshire); 5 - Ashford (Shropshire); 6 - Kibworth (Leicestershire); 7 - Carew (Pembrokeshire); 8 - Cropwell (Nottinghamshire); 9 - Pillerton (Warwickshire); 10 - Itchen (Hampshire)

17 1 - foxtrot; 2 - Edward Fox; 3 - The Red Fox (R L Stevenson - Kidnapped); 4 - the quick brown fox; 5 - The Fox and the Goat; 6 - The Foxglove (William Withering); 7 - George Fox (Society of Friends); 8 - The Springfield Fox; 9 - Uffa Fox (Flying Fifteen yacht); 10 - Fox Glacier (South Island, New Zealand)

18 1 - Kelly Holmes (Olympic gold medals at 800 and 1500 metres); 2 - Crystal Palace (Hollioake relay world record for CHASE); 3 - Calayan Rail (previously unknown bird in Philippines); 4 - King William's College General Knowledge Paper (motto); 5 - Mike Ruddock (six Joneses in Welsh Rugby XV); 6 - Geoffrey Rees-Jones's (former headmaster, King William's College); 7 - Princess Alice; 8 - Eurostat Yearbook (map on cover omitted Wales); 9 - Charley (hurricanes/Florida); 10 - Fred Dibnah (steam tractor at his funeral).

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January 11, 2005

It's on

The Hunt is meeting on the Castle Lawn this morning at 11:00 - hopefully pictures later - if you can make it come along.

Before I make the Mulled wine I have to pop into the shop to check in two dozen mink and seal skin coats we have coming in for sale.

And of course I'm feeling a bit politically incorrect today because the 50 Horse Chestnuts for planting arrived yesterday - and we all know they are dangerous and should be banned.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 9, 2005

Rachel's Back and Blogging

Blue-Eyed Infidel - blogroll it now!
And it is treat for the troops today!

Posted by The Englishman at 7:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 6, 2005

Say Hi to the new Girls

Finally I have picked them up:
+

my British Lee Metford MkII converted to a .22 trainer and

Marlin Model 1894C in .357 Magnum/.38 Special caliber.

Thanks to Kim for helping choose them (do I get my Welcome to The Nation of Riflemen Badge now?) and Mr FM for the time he will spend in the future with them...
�35 for 100 .357 ouch!
I'm out of here; I have better things to do for the rest of the day.

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January 5, 2005

Left overs -

As we empty the fridge ready for the New Year can I recommend:
Jane Grigson's

"Pulled and Devilled Turkey" as the best left over turkey and cream dish ever!
You "devil" (make a curry like paste and marinade) the dark meat and grill it - and pull the white meat into quill like shards and cook in a butter and cream and lemon sauce - serve with the dark meat surrounding the white meat with good bread or Naans.

And to go after it - Syllabub.

(English Dishes

Syllabub:

In the seventeenth century, a milkmaid would send a stream of new, warm milk directly from a cow into a bowl of spiced cider or ale. A light curd would form on top with a lovely whey underneath. This, according to Elizabeth David, was the original syllabub. Today's syllabub is more solid (its origins can also be traced to the seventeenth century, albeit to the upper classes) and mixes sherry and/or brandy, sugar, lemon, nutmeg, and double cream into a custard-like dessert or an eggnog-like beverage, depending upon the cook. )

Yum.

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January 3, 2005

Diary Date Change

The hounds like a lot of us are feeling a bit listless and under the weather so the Meet tomorrow is off - provided it isn't the dreaded Kennel Cough it has been rescheduled for next Tuesday - the 11th.

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January 2, 2005

Diary Date

Place: The Castle
Time 11:00am Tuesday 4th Jan 2005
Tedworth Hunt Meet
All welcome for mulled wine etc.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:49 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 31, 2004

I have a piece of paper in my hand

Blogging may be light - my new firearms certificate has just arrived - I hope the Wiltshire Shooting Centre is open this morning for me to go and pick up the toys...
Previous

Update: Bugger, bugger, bugger - they were closed! So no playtime this weekend. Grrrrrr, and I can't even go and blast away my frustration.

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December 24, 2004

Happy Christmas

For the last couple of days I have thought in this season of goodwill if I haven't got something nice to say about someone I shouldn't say anything at all - so I have said nothing.

To all of you wherever you are, have a very Merry Christmas and we will have a fantastic New Year - your interest and comments have made this a wonderful and interesting year!
Download file

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December 22, 2004

Christmas Time

Got a text message from an old Guitarist friend who is in New York - "Saw Les Paul yesterday - and today bought myself one".
Ain't it often true that the best presents you get are the ones you buy yourself.

And I bet you were like me and didn't realise that Les Paul born June 9, 1915, still performs weekly in New York City. He often remarks at shows "When I introduce myself to people, they are always surprised to learn that I'm not a guitar and I'm not dead!".

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December 16, 2004

King Billy's quiz time again!

KING WILLIAM�S COLLEGE
ISLE OF MAN
General Knowledge Paper
2004 � 2005
�Scire ubi aliquid invenire possis,
ea demum maxima pars eruditionis est.�

1. In the year 1904, who or what:
1 � insular reef was struck by Capt. Gundal�s vessel?
2 � was uncovered by Gustafsson beside Slagenbekken?
3 � designed Tea Rooms opened in �The Alley of the Willows�?
4 � began a reign which, with one slight hiatus, was to last 55 years?
5 � made a post-mortem journey from Badenweiler to the Novodeviche Monastery?
6 � after a fiasco in Milan, received seven curtain calls in Brescia three months later?
7 � celebrated its centenary with the opening of new HQ in Vincent Square?
8 � city followed Paris and was itself followed in 1908 by London?
9 � tragedy befell the Knickerbocker Steamboat Company?
10 � Midland Railway initiative took place on 15th June?
2.
1 � who was the albino Vicar of Altarnum?
2 � which zealous High Churchman gained preferment?
3 � who was joined on the footplate by the Bishop for the run to Mallingford?
4 � which Rector of Hunsford was a conceited, pompous, narrow-minded, silly man?
5 � which Minister gave the appearance of having a good deal of train oil in his system?
6 � who was the Vicar of Tredannick Wollas, with whom Mr Mortimer Tregennis lodged?
7 � which black marble clergyman classed Consistency as the first of Christian duties?
8 � who was the Vicar of Ploverleigh who favoured three spoons to the teapot?
9 � who preached about racial equality in the Free Kirk at Kirkcaple?
10 � who was the perpetual Curate of Hoggleswick?
3.
1 � where does Molly display her long legs?
2 � who lived at the fictitious 30 Kelsall Street?
3 � who are represented by Murphy in Church Street?
4 � what replicates a memorial in Edinburgh to the Keeper of the Signet?
5 � who created two ornithological oddities and was later interned on the Isle of Man?
6 � what link between James Street and Hamilton Square was opened by the Prince of Wales?
7 � who was the American Consul who lodged at Mrs Blodget�s at 153 Duke Street?
8 � where, miserably, did Priestley buy himself a good cigar?
9 � where did 25 perish beneath the collapsed tower?
10 � where was Fix fixed with a right and left?
4. Who poisoned:
1 � John Russell with phosphorus at Windy Nook?
2 � his wife Cora with hyoscine at 39 Hilltop Crescent?
3 � Jane Taylor with antimony at 22 Royal Crescent, Glasgow?
4 � Matilda Clover with strychnine at 27 Lambeth Palace Road?
5 � his wife Margery with arsenic at Milford Sanatorium, Godalming?
6 � aided by Anne Turner, Sir Thomas Overbury with an enema of mercury sublimate
in the Tower of London?
7 � Percy John with aconitine at Blenheim School, Wimbledon?
8 � Frederick Biggs with thallium at Bovington, Hertfordshire?
9 � his son Terence with quinalbarbitone at Portsmouth?
10 � his wife Katie with morphine at Hay-on-Wye?
5. What was damaged by:
1 � Merle?
2 � Tayjack?
3 � Christiana?
4 � Marlborough?
5 � James & Jessie?
6 � Port Royal Park?
7 � Prince Leopold?
8 � Foudroyant?
9 � Ovenbeg?
10 � Europa?
6. What is the connection between:
1 � S�len and Mora?
2 � Zermatt and St Moritz?
3 � Chepstow and Prestatyn?
4 � Edale and Kirk Yetholm?
5 � Page�s Park and Stonehenge?
6 � Vohwinkel and Oberbarmen?
7 � Shannon and St Petersburg?
8 � Wallsend and Bowness?
9 � Cheriton and Sangatte?
10 � Horta and Cornella?
7. Which reigning or future English sovereign was married to whom in:
1 � Norway?
2 � a two-letter town?
3 � a Hampshire Abbey?
4 � a Northamptonshire village?
5 � the Queen�s Closet at York Place?
6 � the Monasterio de Santa Maria la Real?
7 � the Cypriot Chapel of St George?
8 � a south coast Naval Base?
9 � the Palace of Kew?
10 � York Minster?
8. Who or what:
1 � slew Gessler?
2 � would have chosen to be Henry IX?
3 � was originally known as Middle Plantation?
4 � in a work dedicated �Absit Oman�, discovered the National Debt?
5 � fishery research trawler was renamed and launched to combat whaling?
6 � stretch of water received 257,000 barrels of North Slope Crude on Good Friday?
7 � formerly feared that incessant inversion might cause cerebral injury?
8 � what was Miss Lamburn�s posthumous publication?
9 � may have been felled by Walter Tirel?
10 � is Dianthus barbatus?
9.
1 � what is in the affirmative?
2 � what has a shady glen on its steep steep side?
3 � what, far to the eastward, rises in pearl-grey air?
4 � where, in summertime, do the bells sound so clear?
5 � on what summit does the Oratory recall the navigator saint?
6 � from what shaggy side do three streams in three directions glide?
7 � where does a Bristol merchant�s folly take it to 1000 feet?
8 � what dread name is derived from church and storms?
9 � under what bare head is Drumcliff churchyard?
10 � where did twelve fair counties see the blaze?
10. Who:
1 � did a Mass for JFK?
2 � did nudes for the BMA?
3 � introduced waterproof mascara?
4 � related his story to Capt Robert Walton?
5 � took receipt of Devereux�s halberd at Eger?
6 � developed his early theories in the Patent Office in Berne?
7 � was credited with the best film ever made?
8 � established a grand factory in 1856?
9 � had Knewstub as a middle name?
10 � launched Winter Gale?
11. Which conflagration:
1 � was depicted in A Rake�s Progress?
2 � coincided with the confinement of Olympias?
3 � has been dubiously attributed to imperial arson?
4 � led to the decapitation of Marinus van der Lubbe?
5 � coincided with the performance of an interesting play by Pinero?
6 � obliged the proprietor to write to customers that ��.in the consequence of the above premises
being burnt down, your orders will be delayed in the execution a day or two.�
7 � was followed by Kaiser-assisted rebuilding in Jugendstil?
8 � saw the debut of Braithwaite�s steam fire engine?
9 � prompted a fatal confession from Robert Hubert?
10 � began in Patrick O�Leary�s cowbarn?
12. Who achieved, superlatively:
1 � 18.29 m?
2 � 16 min 19 sec?
3 � 68 � 27 � 90 � 19?
4 � 66-68-69-64 � 267?
5 � 38 � 26 � 12 � 0 � 73 � 26 � 90?
6 � 1,315 � 61,237 � 106 � 316* - 50.65?
7 � 1-6, 7-5, 6-3, 6-7 (16-18), 8-6?
8 � 2 hr 15 min 25 sec?
9 � 3 min 59.4 sec?
10 � 127.68 mph?
13. What on 198:
1 � is also Antifer?
2 � embraces Man?
3 � is Mendelssohnian?
4 � acknowledges 21st October?
5 � replaced an exchange for Zanzibar?
6 � is a two-masted Dutch fishing vessel?
7 � is a surgical textbook with Love?
8 � recalls Mutt and Jeff?
9 � is Puffin Island?
10 � recalls Beagle?
14. Who or what:
1 � is Thecla betulae?
2 � is topped by Abdon Burf?
3 � was the small cur� from Cobhole?
4 � condiment can be parliamentary or paternal?
5 � was not enamoured of the Dean of Christ Church?
6 � was opened by members of Byron�s staff in the year of Victoria�s accession?
7 � was hanged at Charlestown after Harper�s Ferry?
8 � began at Calle Nu�o de Ca�as in 1919?
9 � was Single-handed in the States?
10 � were the Sturmabteilung?
15.
1 � what is Georgia?
2 � where did the moon stand still for Gene Autrey?
3 � what part is played by the third party at a lovers� tryst?
4 � the eastward deviation of what was decreed by Teburoro Tito?
5 � what is the translucent legacy of a Cornish barber with premises in Gerrard Street?
6 � which President overlapped the premierships of Lisulu, Mundia and Musokotwane?
7 � who rode on the Great Wheel at the Prater with Rollo Martins?
8 � what is a hydraulic crane with a terminal railed platform?
9 � who produced his first number on 17th July 1841?
10 � who managed Jardine�s bodyliners?
16. Which first name is shared by these neighbours:
1 � Leer and Rouse?
2 � Abbots and Grey?
3 � Bohune and Bruce?
4 � Dayrell and Lovell?
5 � Bowdler and Carbonel?
6 � Beauchamp and Harcourt?
7 � Cheriton and Newton?
8 � Bishop and Butler?
9 � Priors and Hersey?
10 � Abbas and Stoke?
17.
1 � what comes before golf?
2 � who was Zinneman�s Jackal?
3 � who was Colin Roy Campbell of Glenure?
4 � which athlete features in a 33-letter pangram?
5 � which of Aesop�s fables encourages presaltation inspection?
6 � what was the subject of a 1785 account by a Birmingham physician?
7 � whose foundation appeared to be an amiable association?
8 � what was Seton�s tale of maternal devotion?
9 � who designed an airborne rugby team?
10 � what is Te Morka o Tuawe?
18. In 2004:
1 � who reached Hill�s Antwerp summit?
2 � where did 100 x 824 occupy 9 hours 15 minutes?
3 � what flightless new species recalls Pyrrhocorax in its colouring?
4 � what centurion has continued to advocate knowing where to look?
5 � who, uniquely, included Count, Dave, Jabba, Bomb, Polar Bear and Jughead?
6 � whose passing recalled defeat for the All Blacks and brought sadness to many former schoolboy
all-blacks?
7 � who, having started on Christmas Day, broke all records in getting to 102?
8 � what statistical compendium omitted to include the Principality?
9 � what preceded Frances and Ivan on their trip to the Peninsula?
10 � who was trailed rapturously after Betsy?

Posted by The Englishman at 8:50 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

December 13, 2004

Getting the Rap

Sunday Times: No action over D12 claims [ 13dec04 ]

The Sunday Herald Sun said the Detroit-based rap group linked to rap music supremo Eminem said an immigration staff member had told them they must obey certain behaviour codes if they wanted to enter the country when they arrived in Perth on Saturday for the first leg of their Australian tour.
Eminem accused the Federal Government of taking Australia back to the dark ages by reading the riot act to his rap crew members.
An immigration department spokeswoman said today it was standard procedure to ensure anyone entering the country on an entertainment visa met appropriate standards of behaviour.

Sounds Fairy Nuff to me.

I was musing over Mr Eminem's melodic talents at the weekend as a combination of some thirty something successful writer was praising him yet again in the paper and the young people's television started showing his latest "Smash Hit". I have never "got" him at all - what is there to like about his music? I admit his latest had some almost acceptable drumming in it - though if I wanted a decent rat-a-tat-tat I would off to The Union Jack Shop for a CD of the Boys. Other modern Beat Combos are quite acceptable in the background, and others are quite decorative on the screen but Rap - No sorry, I don't get it.

The same goes for Ballet, Electronic Organ Music, Prog Rock, Bruce Springsteen and U2...

So what do I like? - Here is one list of my Desert Island Discs - it would proably be totally different if I wrote it today.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:25 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 6, 2004

Recipe of the Day

Ever so often I look through where visitors come from to this Blog - it is an interesting way to find new places. This link looked interesting so I went to it:
Peppern�tter

150g sm�r
300g lyst r�rsukker
2 egg
2dl Lyle's Black Treacle (svarteste sirupsasfalt som er)
minst 1 teskje svart pepper
minst 1 teskje ingef�r
minst 1 teskje kardemomme
4 teskjeer bakepulver
ca.700g (14dl) hvetemel

I know I'm a monoglot but usually I can work out roughly what something means - but in this recipe all I can see is two eggs, Black Treacle and Black Pepper, Cardomen and Baking Powder - what in the name of all creation does that make?

Posted by The Englishman at 10:03 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

December 5, 2004

Ooh - get her!

One of the UK nominees of the Weblog Awards has asked be withdrawn. Now the points that it is all rather silly is fair, and that it flattering to be one is also true. But the reason Wherever You Are: Weblog wants out is:

When I first clicked through to the UK Blog category listing, I discovered a list of sites that were entirely unfamiliar to me. I had certainly never read any of them previously, and only recognised a handful of titles. In the spirit of 'checking out the competition', I spent some time visiting each site in turn, and I found myself increasingly alarmed by what I found. It appears that all the other weblogs on the list contain varying degrees of right-wing commentary and views; some of the content I simply disagreed with, but other entries contained opinions that shocked and/or offended me.

Now I had never heard of Whateveryouare before and thought Hurrah! an interesting leftwing UK Blog - but sadly no. The other visible posts are a pop at Labour's "Proud of Britain" campaign - done here as well. A couple on Popular Beat Combos - mainly that the new Band Aid is not as good as when I was lad - proper music in those days - which sounds like a grumpy old reactionary. An amusing note on Milk cartons displaying "Don't Drink and Drive", - which wouldn't be out of place on this blog. And a note about the MSM trying to "get Blogs".

In other words despite the hissy fit just another typical blog. Of course it is better written than most and looks nice but it won't make it onto my blogroll. I want proper intelligent rabble rousing lefty blogs to amuse - but sadly because blogs are not paid for by the state and are done by people freely there doesn't seem to be any.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 4, 2004

Stop reading this and go and buy a Paper

The Daily Ablution: Indy Columnist: Leave 'News and Views' to Us Pros, or Society Will Suffer

The Indy's Terence Blacker (�1 to read) mans the ramparts to defend the bastion of truth and balance that is the legitimate press from the "mad, ill-informed and rightwing" bloggers who don't properly recognise its authority and privilege under law.
Blogs are, in fact, representative of a "socially harmful" phenomenon, perpetuating "the delusion that professionalism is a sort of myth used by the powerful to protect their own interests [which] is socially harmful." For Blacker, the preeminent example of this danger is the journalistic blog ( "the acme of amateur achievement," in his somewhat overblown but oddly flattering phrase). Shockingly, it seems that people are now getting information from non-approved channels; specifically:
"from their favourite blogger, no matter how mad, ill-informed and rightwing, rather than from a newspaper or the news on television."

Shocking - there ought to be a law against it, shouldn't there be someone to read through stuff before it is published, purely to be helpful, prevent inaccuracies or libels, protect the public, especially the Kiddies - we could call him a Censor or something. Mr Blunkett! have you got a minute, I have got an idea for you!

Posted by The Englishman at 7:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 3, 2004

A Frosty Friday tale

A brisk frosty morning - windscreen covered in ice. So while I leave the SUV running outside to warm up, a little tale I was reminded of this morning as I saw an ex-girlfriend drive by peering through a clear space in her windscreen.
Many years ago when she had Daisy Duke legs and had just turned 16 we met clandestinely in the Pub - pretending we weren't going out. She left a few minutes before me and settled herself in my Pickup truck. I walked out and started to clear the windscreen, it had frosted over during the few hours I had been in the Pub. Out walks Big Don on his way to the loo (real pubs all had their loos outside) - "You don't want to like that - let me do it!" and standing by the passengers side he unzipped and started to defrost the windscreen. I'm not sure who was more surprised as the screen cleared and the poor innocent girl was faced with the business end of his todger, or him as he tried to stop 6 pints of Best on its way out.
Ah, Happy Days!

Posted by The Englishman at 9:03 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 1, 2004

BBC tries to get Blogs

BBC NEWS | Technology | Why 2004 was the year of the blog

Blogs also proved very useful to both sides in the US election battle because many pundits who maintain their own journals were able to air opinions that would never appear in more mainstream media.
Speculation that President Bush was getting help during debates via a listening device was first aired on web logs.
Online journals also raised doubts about documents used by US television news organisation CBS in a story about President Bush's war record.
The immediacy of many blogs also helped some wield influence over topics that made it in to national press.

So BBC - so balanced - Bush wired speculation and then a mere "raising of doubts" about CBS - not Rather being found out.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:53 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 30, 2004

Bathtime reading

Having been taught biology at Oxford by Dawkins (well Richard's uncle) I always grab the latest pop science book on genes etc. The massive tome for I'm struggling through during my weekly bath is Amazon.com: Books: The Ancestor's Tale : A Pilgrimage to the Dawn of Evolution by Richard Dawkins

But why is he such a prat to have short term pops at George Bush when I want to learn why a hippo is closer to a whale than a pig.

As The Sunday Times
says:
Anti-Americanism keeps intruding in the new book. There is a very irrational paragraph on nuclear strategy that stoops to lampooning Bush's pronunciation "nucular"....

Shame as generally I admire him...

Posted by The Englishman at 9:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 27, 2004

What is...Pajamahadeen?

Times Online - Newspaper Edition

What is...Pajamahadeen?
...
Rather had denounced his blogging nemeses as �partisan political operatives�, but it was left to another television executive, Jonathan Klein, to inspire a resonant image appropriate to this series on buzzwords. Surveying the bloggers, he declared: �You couldn�t have a starker contrast between the multiple layers of checks and balances (in television news) and a guy sitting in his living room in his pajamas writing.�

Given a sense of history, Klein might have realised that a considered and satisfying sneer is infuriatingly liable to be appropriated with pride by its target. Methodism and neoconservatism both started life as terms of abuse. The guys in pajamas likewise speedily adopted for themselves the felicitous collective term �Pajamahadeen�.

Conventional journalists criticise bloggers for being parasitic rather than investigative, and Pajamahadeen, with its metaphorical connotations of guerrilla warfare, scarcely dispels that suspicion. It is admittedly a ready vehicle for dilettantes bearing grudges, and at its worst it attracts political obscurantists. But at its best it offers additional checks and balances on the flow of information.

Had there been an equivalent force in this country � a Pyjamahadeen to match the Pajamahadeen � the Hutton inquiry might not have been necessary. Concerted scrutiny on the internet of that notorious broadcast might have spared the BBC later embarrassment � and the rest of us Greg Dyke�s self-regarding memoir.
...

Posted by The Englishman at 10:27 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 26, 2004

Uniform Day

One of the advantages of not moving house very much is that we - in the words of Kim du Toit Comments -
live cheaply. We buy stuff that lasts not only our life time but is also passed down.

I was having a good rummage in the wardrobes this morning as I've been dragooned into going to some "Dinner Dance" tonight, and told I must behave. Bloody invite just says "Posh clothes".
Does that mean my Father's black suit and Uncle Percy's Overcoat, (his Dinner suit made in 1932 is still fine apart from a torn shoulder where I fell of my bike whilst wearing it, but it no longer buttons around my middle) or is the Dinner Jacket a Glam Rock Star gave me when he no longer fitted into it? Which ever one I choose it will be wrong.
Tomorrow Mr FM has invited me for a bit of shooting - he assures me it isn't too posh so I may get away with my peasant farmer look - old shirt, Dunhill tie and Barbour pullover - not a Barbour coat though - something a bit more waterproof.
And to take with me?
Pictures
Obviously the semi-auto would be frowned on and neither the old Farm Manager's nor my Grandfather's gun is useable. So that leaves a choice between my Fathers tidy little Covert Gun or the over-and-under which I found. All quality stuff that hasn't cost me a penny.
I thought I ought to wash the boots as well this morning, but the Pig Blood seems to have stained them - any tips or do you think I will get away with it?

Posted by The Englishman at 11:13 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 25, 2004

I'm Free!

Regulars will be bored of my tussle with Kennet Council. And my thanks to those who have helped and are going to help by inserting (a title="An Englishman's Castle: Welcome to Kennet - my arse!" href="http://www.anenglishmanscastle.com/archives/001044.html")Kennet Council(/a). (Replace round brackets with pointy ones) is immense - it really makes a difference to know people are behind you.
Anyway I refused to roll over and demanded my time in front of the Magistrates who were decent sensible people. They agreed with me that I had acted reasonably and had tried to pay my rates upto date and refused Kennet Council's application for costs for issuing a summons and the hearing. And I can pay the rest of month by month as I requested. So total victory! It shows it pays to not give in and gives me a renewed belief in Local Justice.
Now for a pint or two to celebrate.

Posted by The Englishman at 3:47 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

November 24, 2004

Smile as you wave me goodbye..

So I'm off to court tomorrow because Kennet Council believe it is appropriate to welcome a new business into the Kennet area with a summons rather than a pleasant welcome - just using their documents they claim I am about 35 days late paying an invoice which they admit was wrong. My defence is a bit more complete than that but just in case anyone from Kennet is reading this I will leave it to the magistrates.
I would appreciate it if anyone has a moment that they could drop the Glorious Leader of the Council: Cllr CP Humphries a polite email to ask WTF is going on - and is this stupid bureaucratic behaviour the best way to help Kennet attract business.

For the background see: Kennet Arse

And if you think this is just a personal whinge, you may be correct. But I believe it is more, it is alright ranting away on blogs and down the pub when the bastards try and grind you down. And of course in each individual case it is easier and cheaper to give in - pay the Danegeld. But if you don't stand your ground when it hits you personally you are just full of hot air - so I'm standing - are you behind me?

Posted by The Englishman at 10:39 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

November 22, 2004

No 1 on Google for Jacques Barrot is a criminal

Google Search: Jacques Barrot criminal

We are the top pick - Quelle Honour! Oh and by the way - Jacques Barrot is a criminal!

Posted by The Englishman at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

My kids are on drugs

I'm as harsh a critic of the NHS as any but I hope I also praise when it is justified. No.2 Son (The Spare) was rushed to hospital yesterday as his Appendix decided to blowup. There was a complete lack of healing crystals and homeopathy, just a good old mix of Class A drugs, a scalpel and huge amounts of antibiotics which means he is hopefully on the road to recovery - rather than the slab as would have been a couple of generations ago.
We have never lived in better times and when it comes to emergencies the NHS is pretty good - thanks.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:56 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

November 19, 2004

Life's a bitch sometimes

As I walked through the door at home tonight my four year old girl said: "Look, the Stallion has come home!". "Bright Girl" I thought and walked a little taller - I realised later that she was merely playing at being a Foal and that Mrs Englishman was less pleased at being called "The Mare" all the time....

Posted by The Englishman at 9:19 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

What DVD players and wet saturday afternoons are made for:

Greetings from Amazon.co.uk,

We thought you would like to know that the following items have been sent...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ordered Title Price Dispatched Subtotal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Dukes Of Hazzard - Vol. 2 12.99 GBP 1 12.99 GBP

Ah memories of happy days of poculation and snoozing in front of a fire as a happy batchelor waitng for the Daisy Duke Legged Girlfriend to finish work and arrive....

(Thank goodness the present Mrs Englishman doesn't know of this blog....)

Posted by The Englishman at 9:12 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 18, 2004

Spool Chicken for Firefox

SpellBound

Spell checker for Firefox - need I say more for all you geeky gurus - no more excuses for mistakes in blog posts.

Posted by The Englishman at 3:48 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 17, 2004

MR Englishman went to town

Just back from The Smoke where Mr Free Market and myself went to an ASI event - also reported on at Samizdata.net Democracy and the blogosphere � no big deal".
I think the effects of Blogs on the US election is well recognised now - stopping errors being propagated by the Main Stream Media. It is only just beginning to happen in the UK - mainly by people such as Scott Burgess who it was a pleasure to meet, as were the other bloggers there. After that I think we went to the pub and a Chinese before I was poured into a Hansom Cab and sent back to my club....

Posted by The Englishman at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 16, 2004

Date for your Diary

Whatever the fox hunt vote the local hunt is meeting at The Castle on January 2nd 2005 - Mulled Wine and Mince Pies will be served to mounted and foot followers alike. If you are in the area pop along and enjoy it.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:42 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

I thort I thaw a Puddy Cat acreeping up on me

Mr FM popped over at the weekend to help annoy the neighbours - it was bloody cold so I stuck a silly hat on..Download file 250k

Posted by The Englishman at 7:11 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 15, 2004

Geography Question 2

From 1714 the island (actually two islands) was Danish until seized by the British in 1807 during the Napoleonic wars.

Britain gave up the islands to Germany in 1890, and gave up their interests in Madagascar to the French, in return for those countries quitting their claims to the island of Zanzibar in Africa (currently in Tanzania), largely so the British could intervene there to suppress the slave trade.

Under the German Empire, the islands became a major naval base, and during the First World War the civil population was evacuated. The islanders returned in 1918, but during the Nazi era the naval base was reactivated. During the Second World War the islanders remained on the main island, but on 18 April 1945 over a thousand allied bombers attacked the islands leaving nothing standing. The civil population was protected in rock shelters, most of the 128 people killed being anti-aircraft crews. The islands were evacuated the following night.

From 1945 to 1952 the uninhabited islands were used as a bombing range. On 18 April 1947, the Royal Navy detonated 6800 tons of explosives in a concerted attempt to destroy the main island. While the military installations were destroyed, most of the island remained.

It is now a holiday resort once again and enjoys a tax exempt status,..

Where is it?

Posted by The Englishman at 9:05 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

November 12, 2004

Timeshare Holidays

To the first and only level of approximation that is needed everyone involved in any business connected to timeshare holidays are scum.
Apologies to those who are of a more sensitive disposition but I feel the need to say..

FUCK OFF AND DIE the lot of you.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:27 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Question for fellow bloggers

As a kid, or as a grown up, did you keep a diary writing up what you did everyday? Is blogging a continuation from that or are you like me and never wrote a thing?

Posted by The Englishman at 5:57 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

November 10, 2004

The Google killer?

As a geek I like to see what is coming - this is Microsoft's Search technology preview - it is up and down like a proverbial at the moment - I'm only No.2 for Englishman so I still prefer Google. More toys in the sandbox.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:38 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 5, 2004

Remember Remember

The 5th of November...

Apart from saluting the last man to enter Parliament with honest intentions today is a day to remember at The Castle.
Ten years ago today was when the Present Mrs Englishman and myself got hitched. I believe my credit card is going to take a ceremonial beating later today in Bath - she wants to revisit the shop where I bought her the engagement ring (though my request to the staff for "My Usual" did not go down well at the time).
So it must have been 4th November 1994 that I first had a meal in a No Smoking Restaurant. I had gathered together a few chums for a civilised Stag Night the night before the wedding. What is the point of doing it a week or so before? Where is the frisson of danger? Black tie, plenty of claret and I'm afraid we left the restaurant at about 11:30 and drove to my local pub for a few after hour drinks - I remember Pedro being asked if he wanted another pint, missing the bar and landing flat on his back but the pint glass was still vertical, so that was taken as a Yes! Happy Days.

I hadn't realised the restaurant was No Smoking but the owner was charming.
"If you want to smoke please use the Drawing Room".
Geoff - "Marijuana?"
"Out by the stables please."

If only other places were so civilised.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:49 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

November 4, 2004

I'm going to be rich...

Dear Sir/Madam,

May I crave your indulgence to open this business discussion with you by
an informal letter of this sort. It is pertinent that a business of this
magnitude should have commenced properly with a formal meeting between you
and us to enable both parties know ourselves, have a fore knowledge of the
nature of the business, discuss and acquaint ourselves with the
responsibilities and functions of both parties and
appropriate shares accordingly.

Following the sudden jailing of my brother Jeremy Jaynes of Raleigh, N.C.
I have been thrown into a state of utter confusion,
frustration and hopelessness by the
present civilian administration, I have been subjected to physical and
psychological torture by the
security agents in the country. As a woman that is so
traumatized, I have lost confidence
with anybody within the country

You must have heard over the media reports and the internet on the
recovery of various huge sums of
money deposited by my brother in different security firms abroad, some
companies willingly give up their
secrets and disclosed our money confidently lodged there or many outright
blackmail. In fact the total
sum discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of $25 Million
dollars. And they are not relenting
to make me poor for life. I got your contacts through my personal
research, and out of desperation
decided to reach you through this medium.I will give you more information
as to this regard as soon as
you reply.
I repose great confidence in you hence my approach to you due to security
network placed on my day to
day affairs I cannot afford to visit the embassy so that is why I decided
to contact you and I hope you will
not betray my confidence in you. I have deposited the sum of 20.000.000
million dollars with a security
firm abroad whose name is witheld for now until we open communication.I
shall be grateful if you could
receive this fund into your account for safe keeping.

This arrangement is known to you and our friend Richard Rutkowski alone,
so he will
deal directly with you as
security is up my whole being.I am seriously considering to settle down
abroad in a friendly atmosphere
like yours as soon as this fund get into your account so that I can start
all over again if only you wish, but
if it is impossible,just help me in diverting this fund into your account
which will accrue you 30% of this
fund.

Please honesty is the watch word in this transaction.I will require your
telephone and fax numbers so that
we can commence communication immediately and I will give you a more
detailed picture of things. In
case you don`t accept please do not let me out to the security as I am
giving you this information in total
trust and confidence .I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal
in good faith. Please expedite
action by sending your reply to my son email addresses below.

Sincerely Yours,

Jessica DeGroot

Posted by The Englishman at 7:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 1, 2004

My England

Some site visitors today are coming from Kim's site and his pictures of Wiltshire and I'm very pleased to welcome them - so here are some more, which also tie in with a story below - they were taken on 1st November 2003:
+
My father's memorial sarsen stone on the hill above "The Castle".

+

The view South - where I live.

+

The view East (the view to the west and north are of a side of a hill from this particular point. The stone is on the rampart of an Iron Age Hill Fort which surrounds the top of a hill).

Posted by The Englishman at 7:30 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Remembrance

A year ago on this blog - An Englishman's Castle: 1st November - I told a story that brought out the courage and compassion of my father as he fought 62 years ago in the "sandpit" of his time. He was typical of his generation and of our fighting men today. My thoughts are with them.

Last Year's Entry:

It�s ten years today � 1st November 2003 � that my father died. It�s 61 years since he and the rest of the Royal Wiltshire Yeomanry took part in the battle of El Alamein. Having been in the vanguard of the attack at the beginning of the battle they had lost most of their tanks and were rehorsed in Grants and Shermans for the second main attack on the 2nd of November. That morning they charged the German guns; on the flat plain there was no cover for the tanks against the dug in Panzers and 88s. The only way they could destroy an 88 was to run it over and crush the gun and crew. Of course a hit from an 88 destroyed a tank. And when they brewed up they burnt very quickly. Of the 50 tanks that started only four survived the day, many of the crews got out and some including my father were captured and spent the rest of the war in POW camp.

I would like to share a story about Dad � Herbert William Daw � which I only learnt at his funeral. He would never have mentioned it himself. A comrade of his told me he could have got back to the British lines but he stayed with his wounded driver; cowering behind a burning tank in the middle of a battlefield. And the driver had been wounded when the tank had been hit; he had been trapped by his arm. My Dad crawled back into the tank, amputated the arm and got him out. And I�m glad to say they both made it to the 50th year anniversary dinner.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:31 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 29, 2004

Friday Night Fun

Mr Free Market brings us the latest from Barry Beelzebub - The Devil's Advocate - just go and read it.

He is drinking is some fancy wine bar tonight so it will be a quiet night at the beer and sawdust local - and they are the dangerous ones....

Posted by The Englishman at 9:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Time to switch?

BBC

The Times newspaper will be printed in tabloid form only from Monday after more than 200 years as a broadsheet, it has been announced.

I might have to reconsider my subscription - the whole point of a bloody paper on the breakfast table is to hide behind it so the caterwauling monstrous regiment of women can fight over the muesli whilst I try and sip my PG Tips in peace. If the Times is going to be some sodding Daily Mail lookalike I will have to investigate the other papers that come in a proper size - I have never taken the Torygraph as I'm not that sort - I'm not sure if the Independent still exists as a paper - has anyone seen one anywhere? And that leaves the Guardian - the attack geese are already terrifying the postlady and the dogs try and eat the paperman anyway - and being sound animals they would rip the throat out of anyone bringing that rag up the drive, so that isn't an option. Any suggestions?

Posted by The Englishman at 9:00 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

October 28, 2004

Booze, Bloggers and very very important discussions in a serious atmosphere

Adam Smith Institute Blog - Democracy and the Blogosphere

I thought it was just me a nd a few other select people going along but the nice people at the ASI are inviting all sorts of rif raf as well, so come along, and I'll be looking to get very very drunk later on - anyone up for it?

The Adam Smith Institute is hosting an evening seminar on

Democracy and the Blogosphere

with Stephen Pollard, New Labour journalist and broadcaster
William Heath, Chairman of Kable (publishers of Government Computing)
Perry de Havilland, Chief Editor of Samizdata.net and Partner of the Big Blog Company
and Sandy Starr, Spiked Online

on Tuesday 16 November 2004 at 6:15pm for 6:30pm
at the Institute�s offices at 23 Great Smith Street, London SW1
Dress: jacket and tie

If you would like to attend, please e-mail blogevent@adamsmith.org in order to get a place. We have limited space, so it's important to book. The event will be followed by a champagne reception. Click here for a map.

Here's the blurb...

Much hype surrounds the internet's self-publishing phenomenon known as blogging. Many claim that the blogosphere - the community of millions of blogs - is the key to reinvigorating the political process. Some believe that, using blogs, politicians will better serve their constituents, the disaffected will become involved in politics, and public confidence in the ability of government to solve society's problems will skyrocket.

There are also those who fiercely believe that, if only MPs would all start blogging, public debate would be dramatically revitalised. Is this wishful thinking in the age of spin doctors and party whips? Would more conversation with the public encourage our MPs to follow better policies, or lead to governance by opinion poll?

Does the blogosphere really strengthen the political progress, or is it more anti-Establishment than the Establishment would like to believe? Should the unprecedented ability of citizens to spread criticism of the state, its actions and its employees be cause for governmental alarm? Can our political process withstand such scrutiny? And is the blogosphere the big, equality-driving democracy so many claim that it is, or is it really a meritocracy, where the most interesting, compelling, and worthwhile ideas rise to the top?

Posted by The Englishman at 7:27 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 24, 2004

Happy Birthdy to being online

Sun Oct 24 16:58:12 1993 - when I signed on to my email address the first time - I imagine I must have back from the pub after a good sunday lunchtime and eventully got that modem to work.. it has all been downhill from there.

Posted by The Englishman at 2:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

An Englishman's day out

Some people are worried that Kim du Toit has disappeared so may I reassure them he is alive and well - Mr Free Market and myself had a mini Blogger Bash of our own with the Du Toits, some Poppadums and some refeshments in London on Saturday night. The canned music playing far too loud in a speaker above our heads nearly got the Full Kim treatment..
Surprisingly chipper today after staying over night in The Farmers Club and enjoying the Best Breakfast in London - The Farmers Club, you will recall, is where Fisher and Harris met to do the deal that set up the IEA, without which much of recent history would have been very different.

Posted by The Englishman at 2:27 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 22, 2004

Essential Kit for An Englishman

As Mr FM points out certain items of clothing are essential:
So please excuse me if bring the following to your attention - if, dear reader you do not possess one of these it is requested that you remedy the situation.
eBay item 8140548977 (Ends 27-Oct-04 20:22:01 BST) - Cordings Covert Coat - from an English Aristocrat

This lot is superb Cording Covert Coat by Cordings of Piccadilly. It is a 42in Chest. The Jacket has very little wear. One button is broken but other wise for a thirty year old (probably) coat it is wonderful condition.
Cordings http://www.cordings.co.uk/ originated the Covert Coat - a new one would cost �425 - in the middle of the Nineteenth century and they have been the correct attire since for gentlemen from the Shires to the Dog tracks.
Without a doubt this is the finest traditional English tailoring which would do you credit in the sporting field or on the street - No English Gentleman would ever like to appear in new clothes on a shoot - and you can be confident that it is "fit for a Lord". - Will ship overseas....

Posted by The Englishman at 9:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Iran war started

An Englishman's Castle: Iranian Race is getting a lot of comments at the moment with Sunnis and Persians etc shouting at each other - I'm strapping on the old helmet and keeping a low profile.

Posted by The Englishman at 5:50 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Hospital news

Many thanks for the kind messages - the operation was postponed - more blood tests needed and also emergency cases took up theatre time. Kids wards are depressing places.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:30 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 20, 2004

Busy Day

My bloated subsidy cheque arrived this morning so it was straight down to the Wiltshire Shooting Centre to bag the Lee Metford .22 training rifle and order another gun as well (subject to being granted the variation on my Licence). Assuming Plod doesn't object then I will be ready for Boers next week - expect pictures (if I get the other one as well you will be let in on it as well.)

Then took the boy to Frenchay hospital - it stinks of disinfectant and the cleaners were busy everywhere, a lot of confidence in them. Op tomorrow so I will be away from the blog fabricator.

Posted by The Englishman at 10:19 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 19, 2004

Choices

The IEA is asking very nicely for my annual dab in their hand - but the Englishman's wallet is feeling the pinch at the moment and Mr Du Toit and Mr Free Market have both been with me to the Gun Shop and suggest an addition to the gun cupboard is in order.
What to do? - do I support World Peace, Prosperity and Freedom or do I support Personal Peace, Pauperdom and Freedom.
Dear Reader - it's you call.

Posted by The Englishman at 10:12 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 17, 2004

Sorry if you came here looking for a "Hot Chick Webcam"

No 1 on Google Search for hot chick webcam is this humble blog (so it comes up if you hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button on Google for Hot Chick Webcam). Bet they don't feel lucky now, but hey, they may stay around and learn something...

Posted by The Englishman at 1:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 15, 2004

Ouch

cunningstunt oh and it is work safe!

Posted by The Englishman at 7:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 14, 2004

Google your own stuff

Google Desktop is a new toy - a local version of google that you use to search your own computer - if it works it will fantastic. Installing now....

Posted by The Englishman at 8:34 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 13, 2004

Did you know?

A couple of emails that amused me - a bit -

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
"lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely
solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:51 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 12, 2004

Gone Shooting

Mr Free Market has a highly edited range report - Tomorrow I'm off to the Gun Shop, purely to look, I can't justify spending any money.....

Posted by The Englishman at 6:55 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 8, 2004

Mi casa es su casa

Blogging forecast - light turning windy later.
Spare time for the next couple of days is turning a building site into a spare bedroom - a wandering band of Texan refugees have honoured me by asking if they could stay for a couple of days at the beginning of next week, of course I'm delighted but the spare room had chippies, plumbers and planers at work in it yesterday - and no sign of the Sparky yet - so a bit of work to be done to make it habitable...

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October 3, 2004

Porn star interview plugs The Castle

katjakassin NOT work safe.

Posted by The Englishman at 4:26 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 2, 2004

So you think you know me?

Stupid Internet Quiz time - tell me how you get on.

Posted by The Englishman at 12:14 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

I love the smell..

Let me present you a small vignette of rural life in England today.
The pub was busy, but quiet without Mr FM and the Good Colonel (off serving his country in some boggy country). Rob the Knob, our local drug dealer, was showing off to the youngsters in the backroom and "accidentally" let off a CS gas spray.
The landlord just opened the windows; the teenage girls cried a bit more than they usually do on a Friday night; the old Ulster hands I was drinking with started the automatic reflex of searching their pockets for some HP2 batteries; and the hunt supporters just thought it was a training exercise. As tears streamed down our faces the beer went down faster and no one really complained...

Posted by The Englishman at 12:00 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 25, 2004

One for Kim

Kim du Toit kindly provides Saturday Skin every week, so I thought I would introduce you to Kaya from Brazil:

More!

To learn her amazing story got to:
Digital Babes strut their stuff

"The model that looks most closely to real humans are the one that's less than perfect, like the model Kaya who has a smile that's not straight, freckles and a touch of shining nose."

Posted by The Englishman at 9:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 23, 2004

Englishman

Dean reminded me to check out the new contender for Googles crown, the Amazon owned A9 - so I tested it to see if it had class:
A9.com Search: englishman
Yes No.1!
Also it brought up some images - one of which I'm stealing right now for this blog.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:49 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

Hospital Help

My eldest boy is going into Hospital for a replacement cranioplasty on 20th October and will be in for four or five days. He is a fine young man of sixteen interested in Guns, Golf and Girls. Any readers who can suggest suitable reading matter or anything else to keep him amused would be doing me a favour. And I would like to get him a decent baseball hat as he will need one - again any suggestions?

The scary bit - his doctor has suggested that he takes his own cup and cutlery in as well as cleaning materials and also to keep a large box of antiseptic wipes by his bed and insist that anyone coming to examine him cleans their hands. I hope he has the balls to do so...

Posted by The Englishman at 11:17 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 13, 2004

Keeping Cave

I'm keeping Cave as I nearly got caught this week writing this blog.

An old friend who slipped off to Spain a few years came back under the nose of the Excise men and we shared a few beers. On meeting the present Mrs Englishman he mentioned how thrilled he was to read An Englishmans Castle.

So a quick message for him - "For God's sake old man, you nearly dropped me in it. She thinks I spend all these hours on the computer looking at pornography or some other harmless pursuit; if she knew I was bleating on about life, the universe and everything she would get worried. She is a tofu eating, liberal teacher - can you imagine her reaction? As it is I think she believes Mr Free Market and I meet up for the vice that dare not speak its name rather than something unhealthy like going shooting. A man has to have some secrets from his wife after all.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:48 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 10, 2004

Creak...

I noted before how to an outsider the interesting thing about the Swift Boat story was how the Blogosphere argued and debated the claims and in the end the traditional media had to accept (to varying degrees) that the story had "legs". Without Blogs that story would never have happened. And again on the story of the newly revealed Bush memo's, asInstapundit.com - puts it there is an air of "blogger triumphalism". Through the collective wisdom of hundreds of people the documents have been analysed and claims made and tested. The end result is that there is very serious doubt about their veracity, backed by a huge body of evidence within a day of the story surfacing.

(This isn't a post about the politics involved, just a recognition as to the wheel of progress creaking forward another notch as "citizen journalists" prove their worth against the professionals.)

Posted by The Englishman at 8:15 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 7, 2004

They are digging up my backyard again

The Englishman's Castle is situated on a midden of great antiquity. The archaeologists who dug into it last year were so pleased that they have come back again this year with lots of students to dig again. They are meant to be putting up a daily diary here: All Cannings Cross Project.
September 6th - 19th 2004

Posted by The Englishman at 6:09 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 6, 2004

Women's work

How to Fold a Shirt

Posted by The Englishman at 4:44 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 3, 2004

A man of taste

Anthroblogogy - on the brink of civilization, or off the edge...

Guns, Ghurkas, and general good sense.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:51 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 2, 2004

Rabbit Clearance

My father, as a farmer, was plagued by Rabbits, when he bought his farm a couple of hundred acres of downland was unusable as grazing land, it belonged to the rabbits. Groups of farmers formed Rabbit Clearance Societies which employed a man to kill rabbits on a bounty system. One of his sayings was "Never employ the same man for more than two years" in this role. Why? because his job depended on there being rabbits and so he would (unconsciously) leave a few to breed. But if you get paid by the tail and you know the job isn't yours next year you clear them better. It is a classic case of the "Tragedy of the Commons", at least as far as the Bunnies were concerned. You too can now see this for yourself in the comfort of your own chair. Tragedy of the Bunnies.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 31, 2004

Preparing for autumn

I was going to wax lyrical about my weekend, walking round the estate picking blackberries, apples and Damsons. I carried home 10 pounds of these wild plums, some will go into gin, others were used to make the Blessed Nigella's Damson Fool - 1lb Damson, sugars and a pint of Double Cream, yum. But Mr Free Market beat me to it and I don't want you to get the impression we walk hand in hand round the hedgerows. So I won't mention it. So today's recipe is Frumenty. We have been eating this in this part of England for at least four thousand years, but it was a first time for me.
I went down to the barn and "Tak clene whete & braye yt wel in a mortar tyl the holes gon of; seethe it til it breste in water. Nym it vp & lt it cole. Tak good broth & swete mylk of kyn or of almand & tempere it therwith. Nym yelkys of eyren rawe & saffroun & cast therto; salt it;lat it naught boyle after the eyren ben cast therinne. Messe it forth with venesoun or with fat motoun fresch".

I actually had it with Double Cream and Brown suger for breakfast. And very good it was too.

Posted by The Englishman at 1:31 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 29, 2004

Dear John

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship, the distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fcuk you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky

Posted by The Englishman at 7:30 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

August 27, 2004

Webbollocks

Some time ago I orderd some new sheets from The White Company all very middle class i know but nice sheets.

Got an email from them today which I assume tells me the order is on the way (the title is re: Your The White Co. Order [DespCnf]) but the Entire text of the email is:

******************************************************************************
You may not reproduce, disseminate, copy, disclose to any other person, modify,
distribute and/or publish this e-mail without The White Company's prior consent.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This message is for the named recipient(s) only. It may
contain information that is privileged or confidential. If you are not a named
recipient or a person responsible for delivering this message to a named
recipient or have received this message in error you should notify the White
Company and delete this e-mail immediately.Unless otherwise expressly stated and
confirmed in this message, the contents of this message are strictly subject to
contract and shall not create a binding legal contract or other commitment on
the part of the White Company.
*******************************************************************************

Well that is clear, another company drowning under lawyers... oh and sue me please..

Posted by The Englishman at 5:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

It's Friday so no German Jokes

"You should always unplug appliances before going to bed at night. There are two excepts to this rule: Fridges and life-support machines. Otherwise you could end up wasting a lot of vegetables"
Jimmy Carr

The rest of the best from the Edinburgh Fringe are below.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked
a million dollars... he's really let himself go... Eddie Bannon at the
Gilded Balloon

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat. Susan Murray at the
Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound
people. David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we won't get much done." Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called
jail. Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work
out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you
not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what
job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her
computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well. Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at
the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy
Carr at the International Conference Centre

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked. Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl
out of Cork... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad
players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was
no one looking for space. Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out
lads, we've all had a drink". Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things
that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to
pee on people. That put me right off him. Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. Ahmed
Ahmed at C34

Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday. Jeff Green at the
Assembly Rooms

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns
at the Pleasance

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at
the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was signing
copies of the script in Waterstones the other day. They threw me out. It
appears that you're meant to get permission first. Robin Ince (who
appeared in The Office) at the Underbelly

Posted by The Englishman at 3:52 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 25, 2004

Top Comic (No German Jokes)

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Tommy Cooper 'funniest Briton'

Comedian Tommy Cooper has topped a poll of the funniest Britons of all time, according to Reader's Digest magazine.

Vintage Tommy..."Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cab sat there waiting for his tip when Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."

Posted by The Englishman at 7:03 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 24, 2004

Solicitors can piss off as well

Just popped into my Solicitor to pay their ridiculous bill. I drew up outside and the receptionist said as I walked in - "I'm not sure you can park there, we only have one space and a partner might need it."

That's all right I'm a customer and so I'm more important than a Partner", I replied to which she came back with the obvious.

"But we might need it for someone who is disabled"

Oh yea, really...I was only there for five minutes to hand over a cheque for hundreds of pounds for things like "they checked to see whether a thirty year old warehouse on an industrial site had planning permission to be a warehouse". Ker-ching �350

Bastards the lot of them.

Posted by The Englishman at 2:12 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

LLoyds bank can piss off

Lloyds bank have just sent me a letter asking me to prove who I am so I can continue to be a signatory of the Parish Council bank account. Something I have been for many years.

My reply;

To
Unintelligable signature
Bounmouth DBC
Lloyds TSB Bank plc
PO Box 1050
Southampton
SO 14 2GQ

Re "Account name"

Dear Sir or Madam.

I�m in receipt of what appears to be a forged letter claiming to come from yourselves. The signature is a mere scrawl and pp Business Manager. Which is obviously not the practice of a top financial institution.

I therefore enclose the documents as sent.

I have a strong anti-bullshit policy in place and if anyone thinks I�m going to entertain the ridiculous requirements of the letter in the bizarre chance they are genuine then they can think again.

Yours Sincerely

Posted by The Englishman at 2:05 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

August 20, 2004

Desert Island Discs

Desert Island Discs is one of Radio 4's most popular and enduring programmes. Created by Roy Plomley in 1942, the format is simple: each week a guest is invited to choose the eight records, a book and a luxury they would take with them to a desert island.

So what would your choice be?

Mine:

1; The Supremes - Baby Love (Holland/Dozier/Holland) Ooh baby love, my baby love I need you, oh how I need you ...
Puptent stuff

2: The Undertones Here Comes The Summer
Keep looking for the girls with their faces all tanned
Lying on the beaches all covered in sand
Stretching out their long legs lying in the sun
They know they're beautiful they're having fun

Here comes the summer ...

Everytime I see a beach I think of it, so on a desert island it is a must.

3: Led Zeppelin "Rock and Roll"

I did mention that my desert island is going to have a thirty foot high stack of Marshall speakers and a volume knob that goes to 11 didn't I?

4 Frank Sinatra Songs for Swinging Lovers Music I have rocked babies to sleep to and danced cheek to cheek to....

5 Elgar's Enigma Variations - well I'm English aren't I?

6 Beethoven's Ninth conducted by Leonard Bernstein in Berlin - despite the EU use of it a wonderful bit of music (after leaving the maternity unit when the son and heir was born it first thing that came on the radio, so extra special.) And that concert was the sound of freedom as the wall was knocked down.

7 Beethoven's Seventh - I want it at my funeral..

8 The Police Roxanne, I also need a Clay Trap, my trusty side by side and unlimited copies of it and boxes of carts. What better way to while away those afternoons than shooting the crap out of Sting?

My luxury would have to be a practical choice, beer would be not right on the beach, cold lager is beyond thought, so I think I would learn to roll up and have some Skunk plants which I could also make rope, cloth, cooking oil etc from if I could be arsed.

Book - Darwin The Origin of Species which I have never had the time to read properly, slowly savouring the intellectual rigour and wonder. (see below for an example of his writing).

Go then, what are your choices?

It is interesting to contemplate an entangled bank, clothed with many plants of many kinds, with birds singing on the bushes, with various insects flitting about, and with worms crawling through the damp earth, and to reflect that these elaborately constructed forms, so different from each other, and dependent on each other in so complex a manner, have all been produced by laws acting around us. These laws, taken in the largest sense, being Growth with Reproduction; Inheritance which is almost implied by reproduction; Variability from the indirect and direct action of the external conditions of life, and from use and disuse; a Ratio of Increase so high as to lead to a Struggle for Life, and as a consequence to Natural Selection, entailing Divergence of Character and the Extinction of less-improved forms. Thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:08 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

August 19, 2004

More linking madness

Google Search: "You must obtain prior written permission to hyperlink" brings up 16 sites, and links to them, sue sue sue....

Whereas Google Search: "You must obtain permission to link" only brings up 6 plonkers.

Posted by The Englishman at 4:19 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Sticky Links

Tim Worstall points out that
Sellotape says "Hyperlinking to this site, is not permitted without the express prior permission of Sellotape." Whoops I think I just did.. Anyway we are a 3M Scotch Tape Household.

Posted by The Englishman at 4:07 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 18, 2004

The road to Damascus

I used to live round the corner from the wonderful Pitt Rivers Museum and spent many a happy hour examining the weaponry and other delights. Must be the only museum that has Victorian Hashish cigars and shrunken heads alongside a display of shields from around the world with a Thames Valley Police riot shield alongside a Aboriginal bark one. The swords included some fantastic examples of Damascus steel, which I never understood how or why had become a "lost art".

Crumb Trail provides an illuminating answer in an article on Wootz.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Olympic Favourite

So the reporter goes up to an athelete carrying a long bar:
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm a German and how did you know my name vas Walter?"

(I think I should have filed that under German Jokes!)

Posted by The Englishman at 8:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 17, 2004

Take that spammers

MT-Blacklist v2.0e released!

Great - I think it should now be working on this blog, a small problem installing but so what it is an emergency release to deal with spammers. Thanks Jay, I have dropped a tip in the box!

No time to blog today as despamming takes precedence, but please try commenting to check it works.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:37 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 16, 2004

Up at six as usual

and then I read this article...Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | Book extract: How To Be Idle by Tom Hodgkinson

I wonder if that hard-working American rationalist and agent of industry Benjamin Franklin knew how much misery he would cause in the world when, back in 1757, high on puritanical zeal, he popularised and promoted the trite and patently untrue aphorism "early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise"?
It is a sad fact that from early childhood we are tyrannised by the moral myth that it is right, proper and good to leap out of bed the moment we wake in order to set about some useful work as quickly and cheerfully as possible.

Bastard, he makes sloth and idleness sound attractive in the rest of the article...

Posted by The Englishman at 6:40 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 15, 2004

Comments

Acidman and others are suufering from a troll posing as Drumwaster. It has happened here as well. So ignore the crap and go read the real thing.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:49 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 10, 2004

Personal not political

I have been mulling over whether to post this or not for several reasons so excuse me if it seems inappropriate. But I can't get on with normal blogging until I clear this out of my system.

Four years ago a bombshell hit our lives when we were told our newly born baby had brain damage and to expect that she would have cerebral palsy - extent unknowable.

(We have been incredibly lucky and she has it mildly , though the full range of problems she will have is still unknown.)

In that first meeting as we asked the obvious questions, including "why" and the most frustrating part of the whole experience was that the staff had obviously been trained by lawyers - you may have experienced it with a car accident where the insurance company says "never admit any liability". Here it was obvious they were terrified of being sued so they weren't going to get into a serious discussion of possible causes. I don't want to sue them, but I want to know what went wrong. (It is highly likely that a hidden infection was responsible, and the hospital did nothing wrong, in fact I'm sure the hospital did nothing wrong as I watched the whole procedure.) So I blame my distress and only have one word for lawyers like Sen. John Edwards who have made their fortunes from these cases. By using junk science and their skills they may help some individual cases but they make the general level of care for parents and children worse. They are simply

cunts.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:09 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 9, 2004

Red Dead

I was saddened to see that Red Adair had died - a fine man.

I note the cremation is planned to take two weeks....

Posted by The Englishman at 6:49 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Bravery

An American General and a British General were discussing the meaning of bravery. They decide that practical demonstrations are in order.

Gen. Norman Greenblatt (Tall, cropped hair, four stars on his shoulders and a multi-coloured group of medal ribbons): Marine!

PFC Cohen: Sir! Yes, Sir!

Gen. Greenblatt: You see that tower over there?

PFC Cohen: Sir! Yes, Sir!

Gen. Greenblatt: Double time up the tower, jump off, and land on your
head!

PFC Cohen: Sir! Yes, Sir!

PFC Cohen runs over to the tower, singing a typical US Marine Corps
marching song, climbs the tower with his rifle gripped in his perfectly aligned teeth, jumps off, and lands on his head. Blood, brains (well, a small amount) everywhere.

Gen. Greenblatt: That is bravery.

General Pennington-Smythe-Smith-Smythe (fairly short, thin, pencil
moustache, effeminate, and carrying a swagger-stick): Corporal Evans!

Cpl Evans: SAH!

Gen. P-S-S-S: Be a good chap, jog over to that tower, climb it, and ... well you know the drill!

Cpl Evans: SAH! BOLLOCKS SAH!

Gen. P-S-S-S (turning to Gen. Greenblatt): No, Norman, that is bravery.

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August 3, 2004

It's coming home to roast roost.

BBC NEWS | England | Wiltshire | Great bustard jets into Britain

The extinct great bustard is back in Britain after 30 chicks arrived from the Russian steppes on Monday.
The great bustard is the world's heaviest flying bird and can weigh up to 20kg and stand to the height of an adult roe deer.
Unfortunately it was regarded as a great delicacy in Britain and the last one was shot and eaten in 1832.

And Mr Free Market is tooling up ready

Posted by The Englishman at 8:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 29, 2004

A reader writes...

When meeting refugees in war torn Croatia, little did I realise that, in a
few short years I would join the burgeoning ranks of Britons, fleeing to France,
forced out of their homeland by property prices (ie the direct fruit of money
laundering out of corruption on a massive scale).

I have spoken to hundreds of small to middle income earners - yes, people who
still have to pay for their prescriptions - terrorised out of the homes they
they worked hard to pay for - Now having to buy a (hopefully) peaceful new
home in rural France.

Who speaks for them? UNRRA!!! - NO it should be this site.

Write here and SPEAK OUT

Simon

Posted by The Englishman at 8:32 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 22, 2004

Not German Jokes

As a break from the ever popular German Jokes here are a few oneliners from goodness knows where.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

Posted by The Englishman at 8:49 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 16, 2004

Tractors

I popped into my local tractor repair man to chew over about upgrading my 1965 Massey 65. He looks after and rebuilds these mineclearance machines
- so I got to sit up in a couple of them - (in the safety of Wiltshire, I'm not sure I would want to drive it where they go.) Interesting site - especially the news from Iraq. MineTech International - Gallery

MineTech teams found large quantities of ordnance ranging from stored ammunition to abandoned Explosive Ordnance (EO). The EOD clearance teams have faced a wide range of challenges, due both to the scale of the project and the state of the explosive materials, often rusty and corroded and sometimes buried up to a metre deep. Latest estimates suggest a further 1,000,000 tonnes of ammunition scattered over Iraq, equivalent to more than half the stockpile of the entire US military machine.

Posted by The Englishman at 1:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Out to lunch

According to The Times

The average British worker's lunch hour has shrunk to a mere 27 minutes, nine minutes less than in 2000, and one worker in five takes no lunchbreak at all,

Well in that case Mr Free Market and I had about a fortnight's worth yesterday. No loud noises or bright lights for me this morning please, and I'm still aching from my little nap on the floor at Paddington Station...
Anyway - thanks.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 9, 2004

One for the wishlist I think.

Amazon.co.uk: Books: How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter

Posted by The Englishman at 9:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 6, 2004

Twat

A weird comment appeared on one of my posts which I didn't understand - it wasn't the usual Spam and it was being rude about Raging Dave so off I go to Four Right Wing Wackos to find the answer. Seems like Michael J Ross has been busy posting stuff all over the blogosphere. This blog is my private property, I pay for it, I don't want it to be used for your crap, so Michael piss off and don't come back.

Posted by The Englishman at 11:48 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 5, 2004

Happy 50th Birthday

As far as Elvis Presley songs go, "That's All Right," his very first record, wasn't among his biggest hits. In fact, the 1954 song wasn't even a hit at all.
Yet today, July 5, 50 years to the day after it was recorded, media and fans are converging on Memphis for a blowout celebration to commemorate the song, which has been labeled by the city as the tune that started the musical and cultural phenomenon known as rock 'n' roll. more

Of course other records and recordings could be considered as the first but this has as good a claim as any - and it is one of my favourites.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 30, 2004

Commenting

Bastard spammers are putting comments all over the blog so I am having to tighten the commenting procedure up - sorry.

Either comment and I will review and then publ;ish or go to TypeKey
and get a registration which means you can comment on mine and other blogs - sorry about this.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 28, 2004

German Jokes part three

This blog is proud of its world renown repository of German Jokes so thanks to Freedom and Whisky for pointing to me to a few more Teutonic Rib-ticklers -
Scotland on Sunday - Top Stories - 'Cheap' Scots tell German jokers, nein danke!

THE Germans have a great sense of humour; the problem is they reserve it for the Scots, as these examples show.

Scots traditionally marry on February 29, goes the joke, so that they only need to celebrate their anniversary once every four years.

How can you tell that the trawler coming to the harbour is from Scotland? There are no seagulls in its wake.

"I've received some photos from my Scottish pen pal?" "What do they look like?" "Don't know. Have to get them developed first."

Two Scots fall down a crevasse while in the mountains. The mountain watch is alerted, and the rescue team appears. "Hello, we're from the Red Cross," one rescuer says. The reply comes from below, "You're getting no donations from us."

Hey anyone that laughs at the Scots can't be all bad...

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Friday Night

The long walk home...Die Wagenschenke

Posted by The Englishman at 11:44 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

June 23, 2004

CIX - why I still belong

About ten years ago I joined a strange cult like online community - CIX Online. And then the www happened etc, and sometimes I wonder why I still pay the monthly fee:
The reason, exchanges like these re football: (foul language alert)

See now, if I was Blind Lemon Blunkett, I'd /insist/ on anyone who wanted
being able to travel to an England match abroad. Then, I'd tell them all
to fuck off when they tried to get back in. Then I'd authorise their
families, their families parents and the friends of their families parents
to be hunted down and shot like the dogs they are, and their property
sequestered. Only in this was, I feel, are we likely to effectively deal
withe the menace of having to co-exist with the likes of stclub.
-------
The other thing I object to
is the football-tart. Now see, I'm no sexist, and the little ladies have
every right to show an interest from the ironing board, particularly when
someone 'kicks a goal'. However, I go rabid and start making monkey
noises that would shame a Croation Nazi when I see some Blondie in a
fucking football shirt, swigging ale, either on the terrace or in front of
a pub screen. Why ? Because it's all part and parcel of the crass
marketing of the game as a lifestyle item that is embodied in the pathetic
sight of a fucking clothes-horse parading with the England captains
armband on.
--------

Actually, attempting to buy one larger than size large ought to be made a
hanging offence.

Anyone with more than athletic proportions in a football shirt is probably
a bigger style offence than that pratt Llewellyn-Bowen. Probably> No,
definitely.
--------------

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June 22, 2004

Ilunga - my word of the day, week, year.

From Times Online - Newspaper Edition
THE Times has translated for you the most untranslatable word in the world.
The word is ilunga, from the Bantu language of Tshiluba, and means a person ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.

Whilst I pretend to be a hard old cynic I'm actually a cuddly old wishy washy Taurean and so Ilunga is the ideal word to discribe me. Yesterday an Estate Agent pissed me off for the third time, first time I tried to understand his point of view, second time I queried it, this time he got a classic snottogram - I'm awaiting his response.
Tony Blair on the EU - he is way past the third time.
The Bear at Hungerford.
Timeshare salespeople - all telesales people.
Compaq computers
The list goes on...

Posted by The Englishman at 9:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 21, 2004

Ping Pong

The Memsahib has claimed the television for the next two weeks as Wimbledon
is on. I will be rearranging the wine cellar (Some of the bottles seem to need help with breathing - mouth to mouth resuscitation may be needed)rather than watching spoilt kids wearing their hats backwards - no standards at all.

It is the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club but never a shot of the Croquet, now that is a game of skill and elegance combined with ruthlessness and revenge. Much more my cup of tea. For Hints of how to play and cheat at croquet see: Croquet World Online Magazine | Letters & Opinion

A sample:

The croquet player has one single object to keep in view - namely, to win the game; and in the following "Hints" we shall endeavour to give him the means. He is not to blame us if some of these appear unworthy ones. The same might be said of rifle practice, as compared with bravely tilting at an enemy with spear and shield upon an open field of battle. We are not living in the middle ages, and if it is now allowable in war to skulk and shirk about behind trees and walls and stones, and bring down a noble fellow with a murderous rifle shot, the unhandsome practices that we have recommended are not to be condemned upon the croquet lawn. The illusions of romance have been dissipated forever. There are no Quixotes no roaming about the world to protect distressed ladies, and with impunity we may overbear their gentle remonstrances, and take any advantage of them that we can, and we not acting up to the principles of this game if we do not do so.

In short, we counsel you, in accordance with the true character of croquet as a game of chicane, not to enter upon it as you might upon a game of billiards, cricket, or tennis, for a fair and friendly and gentlemanly contest of skill, but to regard it as one in which you are justified in shaping, in taking every mean advantage of your competitors.

There are those who think that if all unfair practices were discountenanced it would add very much to the enjoyment of a country life. We leave these honest people to their opinions. For ourselves, we are no moralists - we are no Castiglioni. We take the game as we find it, and, admitting a principle, we carry it out to its logical conclusion.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:37 PM

June 20, 2004

I live near...

Schoolbot humour based on the odd names some places in England have - just type in your postcode to find Amusing places close to you

My Results:

Cuckoo's Knob 7.3 miles

Sodom 12.3 miles

Box Tunnel 15.5 miles

Zig-Zag Hill 28.7 miles

Sandy Balls 30.7 miles

Butt Hatch 31.1 miles

Lusty Hill 31.1 miles

Handcock's Bottom 33.3 miles

Snatch House 34.0 miles

Golden Balls 37.0 miles

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June 18, 2004

Alice is back

Alice in Texas "I am back blogging, and intend to stay here."

Having escaped from my part of Blighty she is down Texas way and in fine form - example...

Tony Blair is now halfway physically morphed into some indistinct Schroeder-like Euro-politico. Grey crispy hair; puffy face; the occasional use of pseudy mid-European-intellektual specs, required by myopia born of psychosomatic-metaphorical failure to perceive The Big Picture; ultra-expensively cut suits disguising a multitude of foie-gras laden sins. The old wide-eyed enthusiasm is long gone. Now he rubs his beady eyes in sheer confusion at the wilfulness of his charges (ie, us), who simply refuse to listen to common sense anymore.

Posted by The Englishman at 6:33 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 17, 2004

Minefield Game

COBBLESTONE MINEFIELD

"Use logic and kittens to navigate a clear path through this gore filled minefield..."

Posted by The Englishman at 2:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 14, 2004

Busy ness

Working from home today the temptation to enjoy the sun has been hard to resisit, but the children must be fed so it has been hard at it working on eBay UK Shop - Simpleesell:
which I hope will develop into a nice little earner.

"Simpleesell - purveyors of auctioning services to the gentry" um, maybe I need to work on the advertising a little more...

Posted by The Englishman at 7:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 12, 2004

Daughters

Great news BLACKFIVE:'s Daughter is Almost Here! Best of luck to all.

He also has an updated "Ten Rules of Dating my Daughter" which I will remember for when the Englishettes get older.

Sample -

RULE TEN:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. I have a hearing loss and it takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an Iraqi Republican Guard (Soviet) T-72 tank. When my stress level gets too high, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then turn and run back to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face that you see in the window is mine...

Posted by The Englishman at 7:19 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 10, 2004

Connected?

I was offline most of today as I set up BT broadband at home - not as smooth as promised but all the 'puters are on the net now.

Rest of the day I had to get my eyes checked as I think I'm going shortsighted - �400 later I know I am and will start wearing glasses... bugger.

Webster's 1913 Dictionary

Definition: \Short"sight`ed\, a.
1. Not able to see far; nearsighted; myopic. See {Myopic},
and {Myopia}.

2. Fig.: Not able to look far into futurity; unable to
understand things deep; of limited intellect.

3. Having little regard for the future; heedless. --
{Short"sight`ed*ly}, adv. -- {Short"sight`ed*ness}, n.

Cunning is a kind of shortsightedness. --Addison.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 7, 2004

Venus - a reminder

Times Online - Home has details of Tuesday's 8th June Transit of Venus..

Venus will appear as a small black disc silhouetted against the Sun at 6.19am, shortly after sunrise. Over the next six hours, it will then cut a slow left-to-right diagonal path across its southern portion, disappearing at 12.24pm.
Transits of Venus occur so infrequently that this will be the only opportunity that anyone alive today will have to view one in the skies above Britain.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 4, 2004

My sort of pictures.

I was pleased to learn that a young girl I know, (I knew her mother very well a long time ago), has got a website of her photos. You have probably guessed I'm a bit of a tractor fan and so this one
Angel's Beast was my favourite. Other charming pictures include at Pony Club and with her family.

I remember one night I was walking home from the Pub and Sarah, who was about 16, was lying on her back with legs in the air (fully clothed) on the village Green. Her boyfriend was trying to get her to go home to her mum as she had too much to drink. When she saw me she said " Hi Tim, do you know I have got 36" long legs, what do you think I should be doing with them?" I resisted the temptation to say "Move over boy, this is man's work, watch and learn". Regrets, we all have them..

A word of warning, I wouldn't explore the rest of her site as her work is now "adult" in nature and not for the faint hearted - I will stick to the tractor pictures.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:15 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Lucky old Spring Dawn

Stephen Pollard "Not a site for Guardian readers" reports his racehorse has retired to the Elysian Hunting fields of Cirencester - it is all right for some. I don't ride but watching horses at a Meet and out in the Field it is obvious they have a fantastic time, being a herd animal, doing what comes naturally.

Oh and this move has pissed off his Gaurdian readers, even better..

Posted by The Englishman at 6:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 2, 2004

Faffing

An Englishman's Castle has been spruced up and buggered about, somethings work better, some still don't and some are worse - all change is for the worse, memo to self if it ain't broken don't mend it and stop wasting time...

Posted by The Englishman at 12:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 1, 2004

Every Mose is on his toes..

As well as ticking off Mr FM Ian at Panchromatica also reminds us that it is Fats Waller's Centenary year - all together now...
The Joint is Jumpin;

Check your weapons at the door,
Be sure to pay your quarter,
Burn your leather on the floor,
Grab anybody's daughter.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Mr Free Market gets a slapping

Ian at Panchromatica doesn't approve of some of Mr Free Market's comments - I must admit that Ms Carr seemed an odd target to take against, a woman more sinned against than sinning, a bit feeble minded but not an evil person - judging by the extremely limited amount I have read. But chain gangs on the A303 - oh yes please.

Posted by The Englishman at 7:50 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

Top 100 - no no no

Top 100 Beautiful Women: www.smh.com.au

The women were chosen for their "embodiment of natural beauty, healthy living, beautiful on the inside and out, with great skin and a natural glow to their personality, as well as their complexion",

1. Audrey Hepburn
2. Liv Tyler
3. Cate Blanchett
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Grace Kelly
6. Natalie Imbruglia
7. Juliette Binoche
8. Halle Berry
9. Helena Christensen
10. Elle Macpherson

I wouldn't disagree with the list too violently so far but the rest are below - but "natural" beauty, my arse, some of them are right old slappers - others I wouldn't kick out of bed for eating toast. I think I will rest awhile and reorder the list to my own liking, I maybe some time...

11. Cameron Diaz
12. Princess Diana
13. Kate Moss
14. Charlize Theron
15. Scarlett Johansson
16. Isabella Rossellini
17. Nigella Lawson
18. Beyonce Knowles
19. Madonna
20. Jamelia
21. Nicole Kidman
22. Monica Bellucci
23. Audrey Tatou
24. Vanessa Paradis
25. Julianne Moore
26. Jennifer Lopez
27. Marilyn Monroe
28. Julia Roberts
29. Liberty Ross
30. Kylie Minogue
31. Estelle Warren
32. Gisele Bundchen
33. Gwyneth Paltrow
34. Kate Winslet
35. Katharine Hepburn
36. Ava Gardner
37. Keira Knightley
38. Iman
39. Jerry Hall
40. Heidi Klum
41. Ursula Andress
42. Virginie Ledoyen
43. Sophie Dahl
44. Michelle Pfeiffer
45. Uma Thurman
46. Kim Catrell
47. Jennifer Aniston
48. Eva Herzigova
49. Brigitte Bardot
50. Felicity Kendal
51. Claudia Schiffer
52. Jacqueline Kennedy
53. Marlene Dietrich
54. Milla Jovovitch
55. Lucy Liu
56. Penelope Cruz
57. Neve Campbell
58. Sharon Stone
59. Vivien Leigh
60. Sophie Marceau
61. Linda Evangelista
62. Dido
63. Catherine Zeta Jones
64. Jessica Lange
65. Ingrid Bergman
66. Greta Garbo
67. Jodie Kidd
68. Laetitia Casta
69. Princess Caroline of Monaco
70. Kathleen Turner
71. Rachel Weisz
72. Naomi Campbell
73. Grace Jones
74. Christie Turlington
75. Famke Jensen
76. Catherine Deneuve
77. Cindy Crawford
78. Heather Graham
79. Judy Garland
80. Ginger Rogers
81. Sophia Loren
82. Yasmin Le Bon
83. Kirsten Dunst
84. Sandra Bullock
85. Melanie Sykes
86. Cleopatra
87. Lisa Snowdon
88. Rita Hayworth
89. Katie Holmes
90. Honor Blackman
91. Joely Richardson
92. Joanna Lumley
93. Andie MacDowell
94. Alicia Silverstone
95. Cat Deeley
96. Rene Russo
97. Sienna Miller
98. Rachel Hunter
99. Jade Jagger
100. Kelly Brook

Posted by The Englishman at 5:01 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 31, 2004

Bank Holiday Word of the Day

Petrichor - The smell of rain on dry ground.

It was named by two Australian researchers in an article in Nature in 1964, who discovered that the smell is an oily essence that comes from rocks or soil that are often (but not always) clay-based. The oil is a complicated set of at least fifty different compounds, rather like a perfume. It turned out that the oils are given off by vegetation during dry spells and are adsorbed on to the surface of rocks and soil particles, to be released into the air again by the next rains.

But that is not all - if you ask; "What causes the smell after rain?" - the smells people associate with rainstorms can be caused by a number of things. One of the more pleasant rain smells, the one we often notice in the woods, is actually caused by bacteria! Actinomycetes, a type of filamentous bacteria, grow in soil when conditions are damp and warm. When the soil dries out, the bacteria produces spores in the soil. The wetness and force of rainfall kick these tiny spores up into the air where the moisture after a rain acts as an aerosol (just like an aerosol air freshener). The moist air easily carries the spores to us so we breathe them in. These spores have a distinctive, earthy smell we often associate with rainfall. The bacteria is extremely common and can be found in areas all over the world, which accounts for the universality of this sweet "after-the-rain" smell. Since the bacteria thrives in moist soil but releases the spores once the soil dries out, the smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell, although you'll notice it to some degree after most rainstorms.

The word comes from Greek petros, a stone, plus ichor, from the Greek word for the fluid that flows like blood in the veins of the gods. So the word means something like �essence of rock�

Posted by The Englishman at 6:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Go on - you know you want to.

Time for me to suggest you get off your arse and did domething exciting - or get your kids to do it. Come and try Marlborough Downs Mountain Boarding, I'm sure I can organise a discount for loyal readers!

Posted by The Englishman at 8:57 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 25, 2004

Comments

A bit of a problem - I updated the blogging software to Movable Type Publishing Platform 3.0 and ticked all the boxes to allow comments without registration and without approval - I bvelieve in you lot having your say, but it doesn't seem to be working as it should. Therefore your comments sit around waiting for me to push the tit to OK them to be put up. So they will appear, and if anyone knows how to solve the problem please let me know, otherwise have patience!

And please keep commenting!

Posted by The Englishman at 4:08 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 20, 2004

Which Beer?

Kim wonders in a comment to my Jubilee post which beer I drink - well 25 years ago when I was young and foolish I drank Wadworth 6X ("4.3% ABV This delightful copper-coloured beer has a malty, fruity nose with a restrained hop character. The same characteristics emerge on the palate but with more intensity,leading to a lingering malty finish. The beer is full bodied and distinctive but with a high drinkability.") But now I'm older I need something a little weaker and not so sweet so it is Indian Pale Ale for me. ("3.6% ABV Our local bitter, extremely popular in Devizes and district and available throughout the Wadworth trading area - light, refreshing and sessionable.
An aroma of gentle malt with slight hoppiness combines with a good balance of flavours on palate, maltiness gradually dominating. There is a long-lasting after taste to match which eventually becomes biscuity.")

I hope that makes your mouth water....

Posted by The Englishman at 4:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 18, 2004

Jubilee

25 years ago today I walked down to the King's Arms for my first legal pint. Three pints, a packet of crisps and tuppence change from a pound. Today I went back for another pint as it is still my local. Bliss.

Posted by The Englishman at 11:43 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Happy Birthday - sod the Copyright.

Exposing the Happy Birthday story || kuro5hin.org

Are the lyrics to Happy Birthday to You also public domain? There are many references to Happy Birthday on the Web. Most warn you of the copyright claim on it, and that the current owners rabidly defend it.

Money grabbing lawyers demanding money on the flimsiest's of cases (reads link) can sod off today - its my Birthday and I'm off to the playground singing:
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to Lord Englishman,
Happy Birthday to me.

Posted by The Englishman at 12:27 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 14, 2004

Getting Listed

The British Bloggers Directory - BritBlog

BRITBLOG is new (launched for beta testing on 13 May 2004) directory of the weblogs of British people from all over the world. You don't need to live within the British Isles to get listed: you just need to be British.

As well as being categorised by geographical location, blogs are also grouped by category. This means it should be easy to locate blogs that are of interest to you and that have a British source.

- Hey they invited me! and it looks good - I will add a button on my next redesign.

Posted by The Englishman at 8:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 12, 2004

Splash

My little girl came and disturbed me at work and asked very nicely if we could go to the pond. So I did a quick google and found out how to make a Paper Boat - and they worked. Great fun, until I tried to launch tow together for a race, got too close to the edge and slipped in. Wet and cold. Still everyone else thought it was funny.

Anyway, it is a good site for how to make a paper
boat, and it has a German Joke on the page as well! The main site has lots of German fun and games.

("German Jokes" is the commonest Google keyphrase to find this site - go figure!)

Posted by The Englishman at 5:04 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 6, 2004

I'm on my bike as Mr Tebbit suggested.

I apologise for the lack of postings recently - unfortunately I left full time employment at the end of April which means I am busy racing around.. A little venture I'm involved in now is just starting to sell stuff on Ebay - as the venture progresses I will keep you informed!

But in the mean time you might like to browse some fine old china and glass..eBay UK Shop - Simpleesell

Thanks, here is a nice example commemorating Edward VIIIth coronation - the coronation that never happened - was it the most romantic gesture ever or a dereliction of duty?

Click

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May 1, 2004

Chavs is people as well.

The article on An Englishman's Castle: about Chavs still draws comments - here is a bit of today's one -

People are people and these "chavs" are no difrent from you or I. You may disagree with me but think about it.... deep down there people... i meen realy deep down.

So there you have it - as it continues:
I think people who judge people just by the way they look are discriminating because they havent givven the people a chance, or mayby there not giving themselves a chance to get to know worthwhile people. - Not saying all chavs are - but then againe not all "posh" people or "respectable" people as u might put it are decent people.

Posted by The Englishman at 9:21 PM | Comments (28) | TrackBack

Live on this Blog on Sunday

The Big Walk - I will try and post as I walk, keep tuned in and I will read comments as I go - I need all the encouragement I can get, as well as money!

The Weatherlooks good at the moment - lets hope it stays that way.

Posted by The Englishman at 4:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 30, 2004

A giant step

Wow, my eldest daughter took her first steps yesterday, three without holding on to anything. Any parent knows that wonderful moment, but for us it was extra special because she is three and a half, and only a couple of weeks ago we were being warned it might never happen. If she conquers this it will make a huge difference to her and us. I am so proud of her.

Also it makes me more determined to do what I can for the Opportunity Centre who have worked tirelessly to help us. - see the sidebar!

Posted by The Englishman at 8:49 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 29, 2004

Out of my window this morning.

Yesterday there were two, today three, I must remember to keep feeding them up. Bigger Please!

Posted by The Englishman at 9:43 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

A message from the front

Click here

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April 28, 2004

Come the Glorious Twelfth

I had a little visit from a Kennet Council Environmental Health Officer today.

Up to the 5th April the council supplied community skips for residents to get rid of rubbish, but due to budgets they have stopped the practice. So last week some toerag flytipped some garden rubbish on the farm, so we tidied it up and tried to burn it.

Some bootlick brown-nose reported me to the council, so an officer was sent round. The crime, having regular bonfires that emit black smoke - penalty 5 years in chokey and an unlimited fine. Occasional bonfires and ones that don't send up black smoke are allowed.

My first question was "who accuses me?" - Sorry , Sir under council policy we can't tell you.
My reply - under The Magna Carta I have the right to know my accuser. (To quote - No bailiff shall in future put anyone to trial upon his own bare word, without reliable witnesses produced for this purpose.) The witnesses must be produced.

But of course not a chance. So I show Snodnose the remains of the fire, pointed out it was mainly branches, and we hadn't had more than one fire in a month or so, and after he has spent twenty minutes bareheaded and in a suit in the teaming rain (I had disappeared indoors with his ID card to have a piss, a drink and to change into wet weather gear leaving him outside waiting) he agreed to let it be this time.

But I have plans...

Tweltfth Celebrations,battle of the boyne,ulster,king billy,bonfires

Posted by The Englishman at 11:52 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Big please

I have had great support from all sorts of people for my appeal - see details to the right.
But one or two of you may still be thinking about dipping into your pockets for a bit of change - if you like think of it as a subscription for this comic. Whatever you can spare would make a huge difference to these families.

(If you don't want to use paypal, drop me a line and I will provide an address to send cheques, used fivers and cowrie shells to.)

Thanks again.

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April 27, 2004

..seldom differ

Two blogs I read this morning are on the same subject...

Crumb Trail

Dawkins's Law of the Conservation of Difficulty states that obscurantism in an academic subject expands to fill the vacuum of its intrinsic simplicity. Theoretical physics is a genuinely difficult subject. Envious disciplines, which I shall not advertise, conceal their lack of content behind billowing clouds of deliberate obscurity,..

And Kim du Toit puts it it slightly more robust language:

Parsing The Bullshit

During a Political Science course at university, I was often at war with one particular professor (Alfred Stadler, for those who remember the poxy Leninist bastard) because during lectures I would constantly stop him to say: "Please could you re-state that in English?"

The first time I said that, he replied that maybe I was in the wrong course, and that I should be taking English instead.

My response was that maybe he was in the wrong place, in that his job was to teach me political science, and not concepta ignota. (I always knew that Latin would come in handy, and the exchange was all the sweeter because he didn't know what I was saying -- "ignota" means obscure).

- My motto entirely, if I don't understand what you are talking about it is your fault not mine, and post-modernist deconstructurism bullshit falls squarely into that category.

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April 26, 2004

Moonraker

The legend of the Wiltshire moonrakers is well known, but while the outline of the story is well documented, filling in the details largely depends on which book you read. The story is simple, though, and its message clear.

A pair of Wiltshiremen, engaged in smuggling brandy, hide a barrel of the contraband from the excisemen in a nearby pond and when they return at some later time, in the dark, they are caught in the act of raking the barrel back to land. They immediately claim that they are trying to rake cheese - the reflection of the moon - from the pond and the excisemen, amused by the apparently simple-minded rustics, leave them to it.

The moral of the story is that, despite their earthy accents, Wiltshire folk are not as slow-witted as some would believe and, to this day, people born in the county are proud to call themselves moonrakers.

Just when the incident took place is far from clear, particularly as smuggling is by no means restricted to any one period in history, but at least one historian has claimed it originated in the 18th century.

The site of the pond is a matter of fiercer conjecture, with any one of the many Wiltshire towns and villages which boast a pond laying claim to be the home of the original moonrakers at one time or another.

However it is generally accepted in happened in one of the Cannings Parishes and there is only one roadside dew pond out in the countryside - and it is this one which is in my garden. So I claim it as the original.

Now of course I wouldn't condone the smuggling of goods to avoid penal duties, but I'm proud to call myself a Moonraker - and as to what is at the bottom of the pond....

Posted by The Englishman at 5:16 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Changed but still the same!

Just a note to let you know that the Adam Smith Institute Blog - apparently
Europe's favourite think tank blog - has moved to: www.adamsmith.org/blog

Posted by The Englishman at 8:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 24, 2004

Tonight we sing the old songs..

I'm amazed to learn that this is a real company - FUGAWI Navigation Software For GPS Receivers as in "where the Fugawi?"

So Gentlemen - the Loyal Toast has ben drunk, time to start the songs..
Full Lyrics are available, for adults only, below:
Thanks to 24th Missile Regt R.A and others.

THE WILD WEST SHOW

Chorus:
We're off to see the Wild West Sho-o-ow,
The elephants and the kangaroo-oo-oos.
Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.

Call: Ladies and Gentlemen! In this corner we have the .

Response: The ? Fantastic! Incredible! What the hell is the ?
Tell us about it mother fucker.

Tattooed Lady:
This tattooed lady has "Merry Christmas!" tattooed inside her left
thigh, and "Happy New Year!" tattooed inside her right thigh. She wants
you to come up and see her between the holidays.

The Fukawi Tribe:
A tribe of pygmies from the Grasslands of Africa, the Fukawi grow to a
height of 4 feet tall. They roam through the 5-foot tall grass jumping
up and down shouting "We're the Fukawi! We're the Fukawi!"

The Laughing Hyena:
This animal lives up in the mountains, and once every year he comes down
to eat, once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every
three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has
to fucking laugh about, I don't know.

The Giraffe:
The giraffe is one of the most popular animals in the animal kingdom.
(Why?) Well, every time he goes into a bar he says, "The high balls
are on me."

The Leopard:
he leopard is the only living calendar--he has one spot for every day of
the year. (What about leap year?) Why, just lift up his tail.

The Sabre-Toothed Tiger:
he sabre-toothed tiger is the only 200-pound pussy that eats you.

The Orangutan:
The orangutan has one ball made of brass and the other made of steel,
and when he goes swinging through the trees they go "Orang-a-Tang,
Orang-a-Tang!"

The Elephant:
The elephant has an enormous appetite. Every day it eats 2 tons of hay,
20 buckets of rice...Lady! Please don't stand behind him...Too late.
Bill, go get the shovel and dig her out.

The Oomie-Goollie Bird:
The oomie-goollie bird has balls that hang down 14 inches.
Unfortunately, his legs are only 12 inches long, and whenever he comes
in to land, you can hear him cry, "Oooh, me goollies. Oooh,
me goollies."

The Ooh-Aah Bird:
The male of this species lives at the North Pole, and the female of this
species resides at the South Pole. During their mating season, the
birds fly until they meet at the equator, where you can hear
them going "Oooooh! Aaaaaaah! Oooooh! Aaaaaaah!"

The Winky-Wanky Bird:
The nervous system of this unusual bird has crossed over the links
between his eyelids and his dong. Now, every time he winks, he wanks,
and every time he wanks, he winks. Hey kid! Stop throwing sand in his
eye!

THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
Melody http://www.lepanto.org.br/Musicas/Inglesas/erlymorn.mid

T �was on the good ship Venus
�Kin oath you should have seen us
The figurehead was Fourskin Ned
Whopping away on his penis.
Chorus :
Frigging in the riging
Wanking in the planking
Masturbating in the grating
�Cause there �s fuck-all else to do.

The captain �s name was Morgan
A homo-sexual gorgon
Three times a day, He used to play
Upon his sexual organ.

The captain �s wife was Mabel
Whenever she was able
Would lay prostrate , Beneath the mate
On top of the chart room table.

The captain �s lovely daughter
Went swimming in the water
Delighted squeals Showed that the eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

Chorus
The cabin boy �s name was Ripper
Damn sadistic nipper
Stuffed his arse With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The cook �s was Mike O �Malley
Didn �t dillydally
He shot his bolt With such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
Chorus:

The stoker �s name was Mugger
Filthy low-down bugger
Wasn �t fit To shovel shit
On any bugger �s lugger.
Chorus

The parson �s name was Farrell
Who wore such strange apparel
They didn �t know The arse on show
Was him inside the barrel.

The ship �s dog �s name was Rover
They often did him over
He moaned and groaned, That faithful hound
From Calais cross to Dover.
The ship �s cat �s name was Kitty
Oh how her arse was shitty
But shifty or not, It was a twat
And the sailors had no pitty
Chorus

The bosun �s name was Hopper
�Kin hell, he had whopper
Once round the deck, Twice round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
We sailed to the Azores
And rooted all the whories
We caught the syph, In Tel Avif
And pox in Buenos Aires.
Chorus

THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER
Tune: The Ashgrove

The mayor of Bayswater,
He has a pretty daughter.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

Chorus
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to �her �knees (pause)
One black one, one white one
And one with a bit of shite on
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees

If she was my daughter
I �d have them cut shorter
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She went down to Woolongong
Where they told her they were much too long
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

I �ve smelt it I �ve felt it
It �s lust like a bit of velvet.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
I know them, I �ve seen them
I �ve been in between them.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

She married a Spaniard
With a prick like a bloody lanyard~
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
She married an Italian
With a prick like a bloody stallion,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

It would take a coal miner
To find her vagina.
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees.
She bangs just like a dunnie door
But she comes back for more and more
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe
Hang down to her knees
Chorus

THE PUB WITH NO BEER
Melody - Itself

CHORUS:
It's a bastard away from the women and all,
With a pain in the guts from a great lover's ball,
But there's nothing so lonely, shocking, or queer,
Than to knock off a barmaid that's got gonorrhoea.

The publican's anxious for the chemist to come,
He's looking with lust at the barmaid's big bum,
He's waiting to give her a belt up the back,
But without a French letter he might get the jack.

The stockman rides in with a masterly stroke,
Takes the pants off her and gives a poke,
The look on his face quickly turns into fear,
When the barmaid informs him he just got gonorrhoea.

The swaggie tramps in undoing his fly,
He says, "Give me a poke or I'll shoot in your eye."
The stockman jumps up and says, "Don't do it, mate."
But the swaggie says sadly, "It's too bloody late."

Billy the blacksmith, the first time in his life,
Goes home for a roger with his darling wife,
As he walks in the bedroom, she says with a sneer,
"Without a Frenchie, you'll get nothin' here."

There's a dog on the verandah, still sufferin' from shock,
He's just seen the size of old Billy's cock,
He dashes for cover and cringes in fear,
Billy's sure to root something; I'm movin' from here!

THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON
Melody - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

They ought to be publicly pissed on,
They ought to be publicly shot,
They ought to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot,
Drink it down, down, down . . .

THE SEX LIFE OF A CAMEL
Tune :The Eton boating song (unavailable)

The sexual life of a camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season,
He tries to bugger tive Sphinx.
But the Sphinx �s posterior sphincter,
Is all clogged by the sands of the Nile.
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx �s Inscrutable smile.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, tittybum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
Singing bum-titty, bum-titty, titty-bum,
Bum-titty, bum-titty aye.
In the process of syphilisation.
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy,
Has buggered whatever it can.
Yet recent extensive researches,
By Darwin and Huxicy and Hall,
Conclusivety prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.
We therefore balleve our conclusion,
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard,
is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven �t they done it at Sptthead,
As they �ve done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines of its tail.
The sexual life of the ostrich.
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
It buries it �s head in the sand.
And if another ostrich finds it
Standing there with it �s ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind ft.
Or doesn �t it bloody well care?

WHY ARE WE WAITING?
Melody - Come Let Us Adore Him

Why are we waiting,
Could be fornicating (masturbating, etc),
Oh, why are we waiting,
So fucking long, etc . . .

WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?
Melody - Itself

Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no fuckin' use to anyone,
He's no bloody use at all.

They say he's a joy to his mother,
But he's a pain in the asshole to me,

He's fresh as a daisy,
He drives me crazy,

So drink it down, down, down . . .

The Ballad of Eskimo Nell

Gather 'round, all you whorey,
Gather 'round, and hear my story.

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue;
When it bends in the middle like a one-string fiddle,
He can tell you a tale or two.

So pull up a chair and stand me a drink,
And a tale to you I'll tell
About Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
And a harlot named Eskimo Nell.

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's Dead-Eye Dick that swings the prick,
And Mexican Pete the gun.

When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad,
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,
But the shooting's not so bad.

Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.

Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
This fucking was mighty slow.

Dick pound on his cock with a huge piece of rock,
And he said, "I want to play!,
It's been almost a week at this fucking creek,
With no cunt coming my way!"

So, do or dare, this horny pair
Set off for the Rio Grande:
Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
And Pete with his gun in hand.

Then, as they blazed their noisy trail,
No man, their path withstood.
Many a bride, her husband's pride,
A pregnant widow stood.

They reached the strand of the Rio Grand
At the height of a blazing noon.
To slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's saloon.

The swinging doors they pushed back wide,
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You'll drink or you'll fuck with me!"

Now, they'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,
From the Yukon to Panama,
So, with scarcely worse than a muttered curse,
The fellows all sought the bar.

When Dick walked in to a house of sin,
The whores all cursed their luck,
Not even a tart dared let out a fart,
When he said - "I want to fuck!"

The girls they knew of his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.

For they saw the finger of Mexican Pete
Move on the trigger grip,
So they didn't wait and at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.

Now, Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
So forty butts were bared to view,
And likewise forty cunts.

Now, forty butts and forty cunts,
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick, at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.

Sure, eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand.
It may be rare in Berkeley Square,
But not on the Rio Grande!

Now Dead-Eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to have some fun
And to whet his appetite.

His phallic limb was in fucking trim.
As he backed and took a run,
He made a dart at the nearest tart,
and scored a hole in one.

The lady he bore to the dusty floor,
And there he filled her fine,
And though she grinned, it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.

When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He has no time to spare,
With speed and strength, combined with length,
He fairly singes hair.

He had made a dart at the next fair tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unfraid:
Her name was Eskimo Nell.

But Dead-Eye Dick had got his prick
Well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell.
She bawled to him, "Hey, you!"

Dick gave a flick of his muscular prick,
And the girl flew over his head,
He then wheeled about with an angry shout;
His face and his balls were red.

Nell glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry.
With utter scorn, she sneered at the horn
Which rose from his hairy thigh.

She blew the smoke of her cigarette
All over his steaming knob.
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
That he failed to do his job.

It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool:
"You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp!
You call that thing a tool?

"If this here town can't take that down,"
She said to those cowering whores,
"There's another cunt that can do the stunt,
But it Eskimo Nell's, not yours."

She dropped her garments one by one
With an air of consumate pride,
And as she stood in her womanhood,
They saw the Great Divide.

She seated herself on a table top,
Where someone had left a glass.
With a twitch of her tits, she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her ass.

She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her thighs apart.
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.

Now, Dead-Eye Dick knew more than one trick,
And he meant to take his time,
For a woman like this was orgasmic bliss,
So he played the pantomime.

He flexed his asshole to and fro,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like the granite knobs
On the top of a palace gate.

He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
And reached almost to his eyes.

He polished his dick with alcohol,
Then, to make it steaming hot,
He finished the job, when he sprinkled his knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.

Then he did neither start to run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but with a swoop
Began a steady, forward creep.

As a marksman might, he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And his steady grin as he pushed it in
Showed a calculated cool.

Have you ever seen the pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse?
Well, then you know what pistons are.

Or, you think you do, but you've yet to see
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a fellow like Dead-Eye Dick.

But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the Rock of Ages between.

With nary a scream, she could take the stream
Like the flush of a watercloset.
Now, she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.

But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
For if he'd a mind, he'd grind and grind
For sixteen solid hours.

Nell lay a while with a subtle smile,
Then the grip of her cunt grew keener,
And a squeeze of her thigh then sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.

She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The principal cause and basic laws
That govern sexual science.

She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had withstood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a moment or two, went west.

Right here, my friend, we come to the end
Of copulation's classic:
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anaesthetic.

He fell to the floor, and he knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
Nor did he shout as his cock fell out,
Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread.

Then, Mexican Pete did leap to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt,
He rammed it up Nellie's cunt.

He rammed it hard to the trigger guard,
Then fired two times three,
But to his surprise, Nell closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstacy.

She rose to her feet with a smile so sweet,
Then "Bully," she said, "for you.
Though I might have guessed that that was the best
That you two poor pimps could do.

"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,
And yourself an elephant gun.

"I'm going forth to the frozen North
Where the peckers are hard and strong,
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.

"It's hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk.
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a solid, frozen chunk.

"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.

"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song.

"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold the jonnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.

"In the Valley of Death with baited breath,
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle
And the rotting corpses screw.

"Back to the land where men are Men,
I'll say 'Terra Bellicum,'
And there I'll spend my worthy end,
For the North is calling: 'Come!'"

Then Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk away from the Rio Grande,
Dead-Eye Dick with his useless prick,
And Pete with no gun in his hand.

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?

Posted by The Englishman at 1:02 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 23, 2004

For St George's Day!

Thanks to Tally for forward me a suitable text for today:

England and the English - A Book of Words - Rudyard Kipling

My lords, ladies and gentlemen - for what there is of it - for such as it is - and for what it may be worth - will you drink to England and the English?

England and the English

Beyond the Pillars of Hercules, they do things inversely and, perpetually appearing to dig their own graves, by some means erect world-beheld monuments�an example, however, not to be followed by less confident peoples.

Royal Society of St. George: April 1920
I THINK this is an occasion on which it behoves us all to walk rather circumspectly. If you will let me, I will try and tell you why. About sixteen hundred years ago, when Rome was mistress of the world and the Picts and the Scots lived on the other side of the Wall that ran from Newcastle to Carlisle, the story goes that Rome allowed all those peoples one night in the year in which they could say aloud exactly what they thought of Rome, without fear of the consequences. So then, on that one night of the year, they would creep out of the heather in droves and light their little wandering fires and criticise their Libyan Generals and their Roman Pontiffs and the Eastern camp followers, who looked down on them from the top of the great high unbreakable Roman Wall sixteen hundred years ago.

To-day, Imperial Rome is dead. The Wall is down and the Picts and the Scots are on this side of it, but thanks to our Royal Society of St. George, there still remains one night in the year when the English can creep out of their hiding-places and whisper to each other exactly what we think about ourselves. No, it is not quite safe to criticise our masters�our masters who tax us and educate us, and try us, and minister so abundantly to what they instruct us our wants ought to be. Since these masters of ours have not yet quite the old untroubled assurance of power and knowledge that made Rome so tolerant in the days when the Picts and the Scots lived on the other side of the Wall, we will confine ourselves to our own popular and widely recognised defects.

Some of our severest critics, who, of course, are of our own household, have said that there never was such a thing as the English Race�that it is at best the intolerably insolent outcome of ancient invasions and immigrations, freshened with more recent Continental gaol-deliveries. Far be it from me to traverse such statements. I give them on no less authority than that of the late Mr. Daniel Defoe, Liveryman of the City of London, author of Robinson Crusoe and of a pamphlet called The True-born Englishman. He deals very faithfully with the English. So faithfully that, in deference to the susceptibilities of some races, I will not give his version of the Englishman�s pedigree, but in his summing up of the true-born Englishman, Defoe says:

A true-born Englishman�s a contradiction,
In speech an irony, in fact a fiction,
A metaphor intended to express
A man akin to all the Universe.

In that last line it seems to me that Defoe slips into a blessing where he meant to curse, because a man �akin to all the Universe� cannot be wholly lost. He must have some points of contact with humanity. And the Englishman has had several.

The Phoenicians taught him the rudiments of shopkeeping; the Romans taught him love of sport by hiring him to fight wild beasts in their arenas. Under the Heptarchy he studied Social Reform, which in those unenlightened days consisted of raising levies on capital in order to buy off the Heathen of the North from taking direct action against English industries. He next took a three-hundred-years� course of colloquial and Law French under eminent Norman teachers. He did not learn that language then or since, but it left him with a profound respect, based on experience, for his neighbours across the Channel, and a conviction, which time has deepened, that they were the only other people in the world who mattered.

For five hundred years his affairs, domestic and foreign, were controlled by French, Italian, Spanish, with occasional Austrian, politico-ecclesiastical authorities, who tried to teach him that �this realm of England� was but part of a vast international organisation destined to embrace, protect, and instruct all mankind. He escaped from those embraces only to find himself subjected to the full rigours of the Puritan Conscience, which at that time was largely directed by gentle men from Geneva, Leyden, Amsterdam, and the Low Countries. While thus engaged he was, under pretext of union, finally and fatally subjugated by the Scot. A few years later he embarked on the swelling tide of party politics in all their attendant purity; since which he has seldom been allowed to look back, and never forward.

I submit that such a nightmare of national experiences would have driven an unmixed race to the edge of lunacy. But the Englishman is like a built-up gun barrel, all one temper though welded of many different materials, and he has strong powers of resistance. Roman, Dane, Norman, Papist, Cromwellian, Stuart, Hollander, Hanoverian, Upper Class, Middle Class, Democracy, each in turn through a thousand years experimented on him and tried to make him to their own liking. He met them each in turn with a large silent toleration, which each in turn mistook for native stupidity. He gave them each in turn a fair trial and, when he had finished with them, an equally fair dismissal. As an additional safeguard he devised for himself a social system in watertight compartments, so arranged that neither the waters of popular emotion nor the fires of private revenge could sweep his ship of State from end to end. If, in spite of this, the domestic situation became too much for him he could always take a ship and go to sea, and there seek or impose the peace which the Papal Legate, or the Mediaeval Trade Union, or a profligate Chancellor of the Exchequer denied to him at home. And thus, gentlemen�not in a fit of absence of mind�was the Empire born. It was the outcome of the relaxations of persecuted specialists�men who for one cause or another were unfit for the rough and tumble of life at home. They did it for change and rest, exactly as we used to take our summer holidays, and, like ourselves, they took their national habits with them. For example, they did not often gather together with harps and rebecks to celebrate their national glories, or to hymn their national heroes. When they did not take them both for granted, they, like ourselves, generally denied the one and did their best to impeach the other. But, by some mysterious rule-of-thumb magic, they did establish and maintain reasonable security and peace among simple folk in very many parts of the world, and that, too, without overmuch murder, robbery, oppression, or torture.

One secret of the success of the English was, perhaps, their imperturbable tolerance. A race that has been persecuted, or�what comes to the same thing�bored, by every persecuted refugee to whom they have ever given an asylum, naturally learns to tolerate anything. Their immensely mixed origin, too, made the English in a very real sense �akin to all the universe�, and sympathetic in their dumb way with remote Gods and strange people. Above all, their long insular experience of imported brain-storms had taught them that men should not try to do better than good for fear lest worse than bad might follow. And there has been enough of worse than bad in the world for the last few years. Our national weakness for keeping to the easiest road to the latest possible minute sooner than inconvenience ourselves or our neighbours has been visited upon us full tale. After ninety-nine years of peace the English were given ninety-six hours in which to choose whether they would buy a little longer peace from the Heathen of the North, as some of their ancestors had done, or whether they would make peace with them as our King Alfred made it with the Danes. It was a race that had almost forgotten how to say �No� to anybody who